MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[2229.1] am far from my doors, far from my walls, someone would have to
wake the turnkey, there must be one somewhere, far from my
subject to, let us ^get back to it, it's gone, no longer there where
I thought I last saw it, strange this mixture of solid and
liquid, no longer the same, or else I mistake the place, yes,
it's the same, still there, in the same place, it's a pity,
I would have liked to lose it, I would have liked to lose me,
I'd like to lose me the way I could long ago, when I had some

[2229.1] imagination, close my eyes and be in a wood, ^or at the seashore,
or in a town where I don't know anybody, it's night, everyone
has gone home, I walk in the streets, I ^{[⁁] lash into} them one after
another, it's the town of my youth, I'm looking for my mother to
kill her, I should have thought of that earlier in the day^{a bit sooner},
before being born, it's raining, I'm all right, I stride along
on the crown of the street with great yaws to right and left,
[2229.2] now that's all over, with closed eyes I see the same thing as

[2229.2] with them open, namely, wait, I'll say it, I'll try and say it,
I'm curious to know what it can possibly be that I see, with
closed eyes, with open eyes, nothing, I see nothing, well that
is a disappointment, I was hoping for something better than that,
is that what it is to be unable to lose yourself, I'm asking
myself a question, is that what it is, to see nothing, no matter
where I look, nor, eyeless, the little creature in his different
disguises coming and going, now in shadow, now in light, doing

[2229.2] his best, seeking the means of staying among the living, of
getting off with his life, or shut up looking out of the window
at the ev^er changing sky, is that it, to be unable to lose myself,
I don't know, what did I see in the old days, out of my eye,
when I ventured a quick look, I don't know, I don't remember.

[2230] There I am in any case equipped with eyes, which I open and
shut, two, perhaps blue, knowing it avails nothing, for I have
a head now too, where all kinds of things are known, can it be
of me I'm speaking, is it possible, of course
not, that's another thing I know, I'll speak of me when I speak