MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

[2194] how could I want it, what is it,
and this business of suffering, what is it, they say I suffer,
perhaps they're right, that I'd feel
better if I did this, said that, if my body stirred, if my head understood,
if they went silent and departed,
perhaps they're right, how would I know

[2194] about these things, how would I understand
what they're talking about, I'll never
stir, I'll never speak, they'll never go
silent, they'll never depart, they'll never
get me, they'll never stop trying, that's
that, I'm listening.

[2195.1] Well I prefer that, I
must say I prefer that, that what, oh you know,
who you, oh I suppose the audience, well well,
there's an audience, it's a ^{public show},
you buy your seat and you wait, or perhaps
it's free, a free show, you wait for it to begin,
that what, the show, you wait for the show
to begin, the free show, or perhaps it's compulsory,

[2195.1] a compulsory show, you wait for it to begin,
the compulsory show, it takes
some time, you hear a voice, perhaps it's a
recitation, that's the show, someone reciting,
selected passages, old favourites,
a poetry matinee, or someone improvising,
you can ^barely hear him, that's the
show, [2195.2] you can't leave, you're afraid to leave,

[2195.2] things might be worse elsewhere, you make
the best of it, you find explanations ^{[ADDITION]Addition on page 10vpull yourself together} , you
came too early, here we'd need Latin,
it's only beginning, it hasn't begun, he's
only preluding, clearing his throat,
alone in his dressing-room, he'll appear in a
moment, he'll begin in a moment, or it's
the stage-manager, giving his instructions,

[2195.2] his last recommendations, before the curtain
rises, that's the show, waiting for the show,
to the sound of a murmur, you pull yourself
together, perhaps it's not a voice at all,
perhaps it's the air, ascending, descending,
expanding, contracting, seeking a way out
among the obstacles, [2195.3] and the spectators,
where are they, you hadn't noticed, in the

[2195.3] clutch of waiting, that you are waiting
alone, that's the show, waiting alone, in
the restless air, for it to begin, for something
to begin, for there to be something else besides
yourself, for the power to go, the courage

[2195.3] to go, you pull yourself together, perhaps
you're blind, no doubt you are deaf, the
show is over, all is over, but where then is
the hand, the hand of friendship,
or merely of charity, or the hired hand,
it's a long time coming, to take yours,