MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

[p. 14v]
DOODLE 42 DOODLE 43 DOODLE 44
addition 15→

[2202] [p. 15r] of the bony structure, that should suffice. [2203] But one must not forget it's Unfortunately it's a question of words, voices, one must not forget that, one must try and not forget that completely, a statement to be made, by them, by me, some slight obscurity here, it might sometimes be wondered if all this bollocks about life and death is not entirely foreign to them alien to them, just as much as to me. [2204] The fact is they don't know where they are, where I am, I no longer know where they are, in xxx xx their affair, where I am, I never knew, x I'm where I always was, wherever that is, and the affair, I don't know what is meant by that, some process no doubt, where I am stuck, or haven't yet come to, I'm not there at all, in their affair, that's what worries them, they want me to be there somewhere, anywhere, if they'd only stop ratiocinating, about on them ^themselves, about ^on me, about the end ^goal pursued, and simply go on, with no illusion about having begun one day or xxx or xxx ever being able to conclude, but it's too difficult, too difficult, for one devoid of purpose, not to look forward ^long to his end, and devoid of any reason to exist, for a time when x to look forward to his end, and devoid of all reason to exist, back to the time he did not. [2205] Difficult too not to forget, in your thirst for something to do, so as to be done with it, have it done at least, and have that much less to do, that there is nothing to be done, nothing par special to be done, nothing doable to be done. [2206.1] No point either in your thirst, your hunger, no, no need of hunger, thirst is enough, in your thirst, no point in telling yourself stories, to pass the time, stories don't pass the time, nothing passes it, that doesn't matter, that's the way it is, you tell yourself stories, then any old thing, saying, No more stories from now, whereas they it's stories still, or rather there were never any stories, it was always any old thing, for as long as you can remember, no, rather longer than that, you don't remember anything, always any old thing, always the same old thing, to pass the time, [2206.2] and then, as time didn't pass, without for no reason, in your thirst, trying to stop, unable to stop, seeking why, why ^{the cause of the cause of} this need to talk, this need to stop, this inability to stop, finding the cause, losing it again, finding it again, not finding it again, seeking no longer, seeking again, finding again, losing again,

[p. 15v]
DOODLE 45

[p. 16r] seeking no longer, seeking again, finding nothing, finding at last, losing again, talking without stopping, as thirsty as ever, seeking as usual, losing as usual, talking away, seeking again, wondering what, what it's all about, seeking what it can be you seek, exclaiming, Ah yes, sighing, No no, groaning, Enough, ejaculating, Not yet, seeking anew, losing your head, seeking your head, talking incessantly, any old thing, seeking once more, any old thing, thirsting away, you don't know for what, ah yes, something to do, no no, nothing more to be done, since when, since time began, [2206.3] and enough of that, unless perhaps, that's an idea, let us seek there, one last effort, seek what, very true, let us try and discover, before we can, what it can be, before we seek there, where, talking unceasingly, seeking incessantly, in yourself, outside yourself, seeking no longer, losing your head, cursing God, stopping cursing, being damned if you can bear unable to bear it any more, going on bearing, seeking indefatigably, in nature, the world of nature, the world of man, not knowing what, not know where, where is nature, what's man, what are you seeking, who is seeking, seeking who you are, ultimate ab supreme aberration, where you are, what you're doing, what you've done to them, what they've done to you, [2206.4] talking fluently, where are the others, who is talking, it's not I, where am I, where is it where I've always been, where are the others, it's they are talking, talking to me, talking of me, I hear them, I'm dumb, what do they want, what have I done to them, what have I done to God, what have they done to God, what has God done to us, nothing, and we've done nothing to him, you can't do anything to him, he can't do anything to us, we're innocent, he's innocent, it's nobody's fault, what's nobody's fault, this state of affairs, what state of affairs, so it is, so be it, don't worry, it will be so, what will be so, so what, speaking talking excitably, parched with thirst, losing your head, seeking determinedly, seeking no longer, seeking again, what do they want, they want to be, this, that, they want to me to howl, stir, emerge from here, be born, die, listen, I'm listening, [2206.5] it's enough not enough, I must understand, I'm do I'm trying doing my best, I can't,

[p. 16v]
DOODLE 46
addition 16→
DOODLE 47

[p. 17r] I stop doing my best, I can't do my best, I've had enough, poor darling ^wretch, so have they, let them say ^{tell me} what they want, give give me something to do, within my power to do, poor wretches, they can't, they don't know, they're like me, more and more, no more need of them, no more need of anyone, no one can do anything, it's I am talking, thirsting, starving, in the xxx ice and in the furnace, you feel nothing, strange, you don't feel a mouth, you don't feel on you, you don't feel the mouth any more, no need of a mouth, the words are everywhere, in me, outside within me, outside me, well well, listen to that, a minute ago I had no thickness, I hear them, no need to hear them, no need of a head, impossible to stop them, impossible to stop, I'm inside of words in words, made of words, others' words, what others, the place too, the air too, xxx the walls, the ground, the floor, the ceiling, words, the whole universe is here, with me, I'm the air, the walls, the walled-in one, everything gives way, opens, flows, ebbs, flows, flakes, I'm all these flakes, meeting, mingling, falling asunder, wherever I go I find myself, leave myself, go towards me, come from me, nothing but me ever but me, a particle of me, retrieved, lost, gone astray, [2206.6] words, I am all these words, all these strangers, this dust of word dust, dust of words, with no ground to settle on, no sky to scatter through for their settling, no sky for their dispersing, meeting to say coming together to say, fleeing one another to say, that I ^am they, all of them, those that mingle, those that part, those strangers among strangers, and nothing else nothing but them, yes, nothing else, yes, something else, ^{that I'm} something quite different, a quite different thing, a dumb thing in an hard place, empty place, a hard, shut, dry, cold, black ^{an empty an empty, closed, a hard, shut, dry, fxxx cold black} place, where nothing stirs, nothing speaks, and that I listen, and that I seek, like caged beasts born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born of caged beasts born in a cage and dead in a cage, born of caged beasts born and dead in a cage, born and then dead, born in a xx cage and then dead in a cage, in a word like a beast, in one of their words, like such a beast, and that I seek, like such a

[p. 17v]
DOODLE 48 DOODLE 49

[p. 18r] beast, with xx my feeble strength, such a beast, with nothing left of his ^its species but fear and fury, no, the fury is over, nothing but fear, nothing left of all his due but fear of of all his ^its due but fear, centupled, fear of his shadow xxx its shadow, [2206.7] no, it was born blind from birth, fear of noise ^sound, if you like, then, if you like, we'll have that, one must have something, fear of noise ^sound, fear of noises ^sounds, beasts' noises ^sounds, men's noises, xxx noises in the day and noises in the sounds of beasts, xxx sounds of men, sounds in the day and sounds by the night it's a pity, but there it is, fear of sound, fear of sounds, the sounds of beasts, the sounds of men, sounds in the daytime and sounds by night, that's sufficient, fear of sounds, all sounds, more or less, more or less fear, all sounds, there's only one, one sound, continuous, day and night, what is it, it's steps coming and coming going, it's voices speaking for a moment, it's bodies making their way, it's the air, it's things, it's the air among things, that's sufficient, that I seek, like it, no, not like it, like me, in my in my way, what am I saying, after my fashion, that I seek, what am ^do I seeking now, what it is, that must be it, it must be that, it can only be that, what it is, what it can be, what what can be, what I'm seeking ^{I seek}, no, what I hear, now it comes back to me, all comes back to me, I seek, I hear them say I seek what it is I hear, [2206.8] now it comes back to me, what ca it can possibly be, and where it can possibly come from, to my ears to me, since all is silent here, and the walls are thick, and how I manage, without feeling an ear on me, or a head, or a body, or a soul, how I manage, to do what, why nothing obviously, how I manage, it's not clear, you say it's not clear, something is lacking to make it clear, I'll seek, what is lacking, to maki make everything x clear, xx I have my I never stop seeking something, it's xx wearisome in the end, and it's only the beginning, how I manage, under such conditions, to do what I'm doing, what am I doing, I must find out what I'm doing, tell me what I'm doing, I'll in ask how it is possible, [2206.9] I hear, you say I hear, that and that I seek, it's a lie, I seek nothing, nothing any more, no matter, let's leave it,

[p. 18v]

[p. 19r] no harking, and that I seek, now they are refreshing my memory, and that I seek, firstly, what it is, secondly, where it comes from, and thirdly, how I manage, that's it, now we've got it, how I manage, to do it, x seeing that this, considering that that, x inasmuch as God knows what, now we've got it, now I that's clear enough, how I manage, to understand, it's a lie, what would I understand with, that's why I'm asking, how I manage, to understand, oh not the half, not the hundredth, not the five thousandth, let us continue to divide by fifty, not the quarter millionth, that's sufficient, but a little nevertheless, it's essential, it's preferable, it's a pity, but there it is, just a little all the same, the least possible, it's appreciable, it's sufficient, the rough meaning of one expression in a thousand, in ten thousand, let us continue to multiply by ten, nothing is more restful that arithmetic, in a hundred thousand, in a million, it's too much, too little, we've gone wrong somewhere, no matter, there is no great difference here between one expression and the next, when you grasp one you grasp them all, I am not in that fortunate position, all, how you exaggerate, and always for the whole hog, the all of all and the all of nothing, never in the happy medium, never, always, it's too much, too little, often, seldom, [2206.10] let us now sum up, after this digression, there is I, I feel it, yes, I confess, I give in, there is I, it's essential, it's preferable, I wouldn't have said so, I won't always say so, so let me hasten to take advantage of being now obliged to say, in a manner of speaking, that there is I, on the one hand, and this noise on the other, that I never doubted, this noise, on the other no, let us be logical, that was there was never any doubt about that, this noise, on the other, if it is the other, that will doubtless be the subject of our next deliberation, I sum up, now that I am there it I x I'll do the summing-up, I'll it's I will do the summing-up, I'll say it's I will do the summing-up, it's I will say what is to be said and then say