MS-TCD-4664

- come then ^now to Kilcool^e [the] ^{that this} time in Kilcool from [those other] [the] ^those other times other homes nearer town [xx] [we have seen] to Kilcool^e further out (curtain up) to live in Kilcool^e papa dead [xx] we have seen and then mamma perhaps of grief or partly grief that simple [bug] that but for grief [that weakening] ^enfeebling but not that again ^{we have seen no more of that} all has been weighed all that remained and [tip tip] now the one [scale] now the other and [so no] more those other times other homes no more of [them and] we have seen [xx] what remained we have seen and now [Kilcool] that time in Kilcool^e with this aunt to go on living with this aunt in Kilcool^e both parents gone we have seen having nothing and this aunt [came] forward to take the girl away [the orphan] girl to take her to her bosom and take her to her home in Kilcool^e further out this widowed childless aunt to go on living with her in her [humble] home in Kilcool^e that is the time we are [come to now]. (Pause.) Oh God grant - (Pause.) Oh grant Time [the Father] ... that dark [when] she [dies] when she so young so long ago was laid in Redford by the sea when we come to that time that dark [room] now where she was

laid so young so long ago the darkened room the sleepless days and all night the [skylight] the [pink shade] and little sleep that short sickness when [we come] to [that] and then the dark where she was laid this [prayer] giver of light and taker of it away this prayer again take it away. (Pause. Weeps. Five seconds.) Out [there] by the Slow & Easy third class coast line to avoid the [charge] all her [troubles] in a grip in the [sack] beautiful [sun] most of the way just the tunnels through the Head corner seats [on] the sea side gazing out [of the w] all [blue] and glitter beautiful [sun] all blue and glitter just the tunnels through the Head and [then] the aunt [putting out] the old hand saying Don't be fretting [pet] don't you be fretting you'll be happy with me. (Pause)

... and [xxx] ^while it was not clear at first that she was now in position [meaning] of [course] no further positions and what is more ^{to the point} no further change of [position] worth mentioning such as for example turning over on the side (xxx) ^{([on face])} now the one side now the [xxx] other ^{in order} to rest and relieve the back and even as some are seen to do when the[x] sides are weary ^over on the face breasts permitting, while [this] was not yet clear meaning [to] her [entourage] not yet even to them though to her quite clear [that] she was now in position

(Normal voice)
... leave her like that without in the state she was in - and here he paused ^halted with his hand on the [door-knob] and turned back to look at her - leave her like that knowing the state she was in [to] look at her? No, just [turned] back. Weary ^Sick of the [sight] - [leave] (curtain) - leave her like that knowing the state she was in - here he turned and let her see his face - without hearing her out or a word of [explanation] or a word ... as to when [...] perhaps soon ... again, did he not realize, (violently) did he not realize? (Pause. [Assuredly].) He did. He thought he did. And that to hear her out wd. be ^only to hear ^again what he had heard a thousand times already. And that to [explain] would be ^only to say ^again what he [sai] had said a thousand times already. And that he had to go away - meaning a journey - and did not know when he would be back. But that when ^{he was} he got back back ... And that everyone had their [troubles]. All to the [carpet], beyond ^through her. ([Long] pause) She got her [bottom] off her [heels], [then off] up off her knees [xx] DOODLE 15 her feet and [to] over to the window, pulling the [xxx] to ^drawing [closing] the [curtains] behind her to shut off the light of the [room] and [see] into the street. He [turned over] and [made] ^off, his shadow lengthening before him till he was [half way] to the street lamp, [still] lengthening behind him. (Long pause.) Conclusion. [(Begin tears)] Conclusion. (Long pause) Oh time giver of light - (Pause.) Oh time when we come to this and ^.... [this] dark where she was laid so long ago this prayer giver of light and taker of it away take it away. (Pause. Tears, at length. End of tears. Pause.) Conclusion. The body. [On its]

This it is certainly among other things that keeps me going

I am not speaking to myself, more than that I cannot say, I am not speaking to myself, I have no need whatsoever of that, I have nothing whatsoever ^{there is nothing I wish to say,} to say, every word is ^mild torture [xx] I would [give] all I have [xx] to be silent ^stop, DOODLE 22 but [I have nothing,] nothing left, or there are no takers, [how I] understand them, more than that [I cannot] say[.] I am not speaking to myself [and] I am not speaking voluntarily ^{wd. give all [I have to stop]}, this [is not] intended as information. I have no information Pause Long p^Pause
I do of course get some silence, as just now, when I pause [go silent]. pause after a period.
Long pause

back[xx], ^flat, [stretched] out [xxx] pillow.
back, flat, [no] pillow, under the chandelier [⁁]^[blazing], the eyes - (Pause.) Closed [mostly], then suddenly open and gaze up unblinking half a minute forty seconds undazzled. ([Tone of irritated expostulation].) Get up. Draw the - [curtains] (Pause.) Fling open the [curtains], the windows, let in the sun, the breeze, ^{pour in,} go out, sun, breeze, [flowers], birds, get up, open all up, go out, live! (Pause) Can't you! (Pause.[)] The voice ^{Normal tone}.) The voice (assuming voice, low, fast[,] breathless.) Ah you and your living, will [you] leave off talking to me about living. (Panting.) [What else] am I doing only living, what else do you call [this] I'm doing only living? (Panting.) Is it because I'm lying [here] quiet with my thoughts - (panting) - not whining after anything and not [pawing] over anything - (panting) - that I amn't living? (Norm (Pause. Normal voice.) [The] thoughts. (Pause) How it is that - (Pause.) how it is you can't ^{one cannot} see the - (pause) - xxx cause. [(Pause. xxx xxx cause]. (Pause.) Lie there [in possession] ^knowing [xx] all the facts with ^and nothing [else] ^[other] to do and [not] ^never [see] the [xxx xxx] ^cause. (Pause.) What has become of the need for help. (Pause.) Quiet [with them]. (Assumed voice, vehement.) Take it away! Take it away! Go away! (Panting. [Normal voice].) Turn it off! (Panting. Normal voice.) [Sings] Songs. [(]Sing. (Sings.)
              .   .   .   .   .   .
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
(Pause. Sings)
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
(Pause)

(Pause of ^{[1 to]} 2 seconds every minute or minute & a half at least a [week's] silence in year)

These pauses ^{silences pauses} scarcely more than for breath[[⁁]] ^{and I do not count the others the commas these pauses between periods} are not on a average ... of an average ... on an average more than [of] [say] ^{do not exceed more [than] say} from one to two seconds ^{on an average} any single one and I have calculated, I have calculated while going along but they [add] ^mount up [and] I have calculated reckoned, I have reckoned [on] whilst going along that [that] one ^{[on an] average} every minute on an average mounts up to a week a year I think this is accurate, a week's silence week's silence so why [would] I complain, I do not, this it is undoubtedly among other things [that] keeps me going.