Samuel Beckett
Digital Manuscript Project
Not I / Pas moi

MS-TCD-4664

This document was written in blue ink, and contains edits in blue ink, black ink. In this visualisation, unclear words are placed between [brackets].

MS. Pages: cover - 13r 13v - 18r 18v - backcover
[p. cover]
[p. 09v]

1hrs. silence in a month
24 hr. silence in 12 months
= 2 hr. silence in 1 month
= 2/30 hr. silence in 1 day


1/15 hour = 4 minutes
               = 240 seconds

80 pauses of 3 seconds per day
80/24 pauses of 3 seconds per hour
=10/3  3 ½ pauses of 3 seconds per hour

120 pauses of 2 seconds perday
120/24 pauses of 2 seconds per hour
5 pauses of 2 seconds per hour
50 pauses of 2 seconds per [hour] = 10 days silence in year?


10 hr in 12 [m.]
12 [hr in 12 m]
[1]        -     [.]
240  m. in 12 -
20    [h]   in   1
20/30 [h]   . 1 day
40    m.  . 1 day
[40/24]40 10 /246 x 60 10/24 6 secs - 1 hr
100 secs                            -      hr
= 50 pauses of 2 secs per hour


DOODLE 1
DOODLE 2


120 [sec] per hr
= 2 min. per hr
48 min. per day
= [xxx] per day 4 /246 x 365/246 days per year
= 48/60 hr. per day
= 48/60 x 365/60 hr. per yr.
= 48 2 x 365                  12_
   60   x   [24] days    60)730

Pause [of] 2 seconds every minute = [xx] 12 days
silence in year


[p. 10r]
KILCOOL

Paris 2[4] 8 63

Woman's face alone in constant light.

Nothing but fixed lit face & speech.

When theatre lights down[, curtain] before curtain up, light on face and speech already. I.e. light [from stage same & same pre-curtain reset]

Tears [thrice]: near beginning, brief; towards middle, longer; &, longest, to close. Curtain down on [lit] weeping face.

Tears [brought] on each time by [same essential] element, [followed] by pause for tears to mount

Opening: [4 - 5] lines [text mu] muffled text speech, curtain up, conclusion of this speech, [long] pause. Tears.

Talks of herself in 3rd person

- come then now to Kilcoole [the] that this time in Kilcool from [those other] [the] those other times other homes nearer town [xx] [we have seen] to Kilcoole further out (curtain up) to live in Kilcoole papa dead [xx] we have seen and then mamma perhaps of grief or partly grief that simple [bug] that but for grief [that weakening] enfeebling but not that again we have seen no more of that all has been weighed all that remained and [tip tip] now the one [scale] now the other and [so no] more those other times other homes no more of [them and] we have seen [xx] what remained we have seen and now [Kilcool] that time in Kilcoole with this aunt to go on living with this aunt in Kilcoole both parents gone we have seen having nothing and this aunt [came] forward to take the girl away [the orphan] girl to take her to her bosom and take her to her home in Kilcoole further out this widowed childless aunt to go on living with her in her [humble] home in Kilcoole that is the time we are [come to now]. (Pause.) Oh God grant - (Pause.) Oh grant Time [the Father] ... that dark [when] she [dies] when she so young so long ago was laid in Redford by the sea when we come to that time that dark [room] now where she was

[p. 10v]







DOODLE 3 DOODLE 4 DOODLE 5
DOODLE 6 DOODLE 7

[p. 11r]







laid so young so long ago the darkened room the sleepless days and all night the [skylight] the [pink shade] and little sleep that short sickness when [we come] to [that] and then the dark where she was laid this [prayer] giver of light and taker of it away this prayer again take it away. (Pause. Weeps. Five seconds.) Out [there] by the Slow & Easy third class coast line to avoid the [charge] all her [troubles] in a grip in the [sack] beautiful [sun] most of the way just the tunnels through the Head corner seats [on] the sea side gazing out [of the w] all [blue] and glitter beautiful [sun] all blue and glitter just the tunnels through the Head and [then] the aunt [putting out] the old hand saying Don't be fretting [pet] don't you be fretting you'll be happy with me. (Pause)

[Abandoned]

Themes, [lay down before sorting].

To each theme a certain pause length.

To each theme a different voice quality
(speed, [xxx]high or low, [moved] or cold etc.)

1 theme only leads to tears
1 theme only leads to smile
1 theme only leads to laugh


Ex. of I [Near] [xxx x] Coming up to the end alone quite still on her back her head
on the pillow under the light, the eyes -
(Pause.) Closed mostly, then suddenly open
wide and gaze up unblinking half a
minute forty seconds.
(Pause.) [Undazzled].
(Pause.) Alone quite still face and body
body & face, only the eyes.
(Pause.)

The pillow for the head. (Pause.) Alone quite
still body & face, only the eyes.
(Pause.)
Closed mostly. (Pause.) Near Coming up to her end.
(Pause.) Oh time giver of light -
(Pause.) Oh time when we come to this
and then the dark where she was laid
so young so long ago this prayer giver
of light and taker of it away this
prayer again take it away.
(Pause,
4 seconds. Tears, 8 seconds. Pause, 4 seconds.
)

[Certain] of above prayer [to] time for dark
as [light] is darkened.
This the tear
producer.
Three times, including
curtain (light on weeping face, prayer
unanswered)..


Within given theme normal [xxxxxxation]
pauses.
Only before [text] engaged [put]
[a full] length pause.

Whole text spoken over soft rapid [beat] only
audible in major pauses & during
silent weeping.

"I" "me" etc. never spoken outside
assumed voice.


Identification by final prayer [to time
for] assumed voice -

Her voice. (Pause. Imitating Assuming voice [)], low, fast,
breathless
.)
Ah you and your [living], will
you stop talking to me about living.

(Pause with panting (Panting.) What else am
I doing only living, what else do you call
this I'm doing only living.
(Panting.)
Is it because I'm sitting here quiet
with my thoughts - (panting) - not
whining for anything and not [pawing]
over anything - (panting) - that I
amn't living?
(Normal voice.) Her thoughts

[p. 11v]

A.F. 813 17th Sat.

Themes:
1. Light [-] dark leading to prayer for dark and tears. 3 [tim] Three times: Opening, midway, end.

2 Voice imitated

3 Thoughts.

4 Lover.

5 Age.

6 Never [properly] seen, heard.

7 Her body

8 Burial

DOODLE 8
DOODLE 9
DOODLE 10
DOODLE 11
DOODLE 12
DOODLE 13
DOODLE 14

Her thoughts: of [xxx] of a dark where she
would [lie] and be ...
before [any world xxi]. ([Laughs])

Shadow before & behind - [street lamps]

1 hours pause
1 day[s] pause in 1 year
= 1/365 per day
= 24/365 x [60]/365 x [60]/365

       86.400
            234
365)[86.400]
       730
       1300
       1196
       .1100

[3])74
   25

    30 pauses in [a] [hour]

    30 pauses of 2 seconds in [a] hour
              = 1 min. per hour
              24 min. per day
    24 x 365 min. per year
              [24]
          1460
          730_
2[4]60 )8760 [.)]140
         60___
         276

[p. 12r]

... and [xxx] while it was not clear at first that she was now in position [meaning] of [course] no further positions and what is more to the point no further change of [position] worth mentioning such as for example turning over on the side (xxx) ([on face]) now the one side now the [xxx] other in order to rest and relieve the back and even as some are seen to do when the[x] sides are weary over on the face breasts permitting, while [this] was not yet clear meaning [to] her [entourage] not yet even to them though to her quite clear [that] she was now in position

USSY 23.12.63

(Normal voice)
... leave her like that without in the state she was in - and here he paused halted with his hand on the [door-knob] and turned back to look at her - leave her like that knowing the state she was in [to] look at her? No, just [turned] back. Weary Sick of the [sight] - [leave] (curtain) - leave her like that knowing the state she was in - here he turned and let her see his face - without hearing her out or a word of [explanation] or a word ... as to when [...] perhaps soon ... again, did he not realize, (violently) did he not realize? (Pause. [Assuredly].) He did. He thought he did. And that to hear her out wd. be only to hear again what he had heard a thousand times already. And that to [explain] would be only to say again what he [sai] had said a thousand times already. And that he had to go away - meaning a journey - and did not know when he would be back. But that when he was he got back back ... And that everyone had their [troubles]. All to the [carpet], beyond through her. ([Long] pause) She got her [bottom] off her [heels], [then off] up off her knees [xx] DOODLE 15 her feet and [to] over to the window, pulling the [xxx] to drawing [closing] the [curtains] behind her to shut off the light of the [room] and [see] into the street. He [turned over] and [made] off, his shadow lengthening before him till he was [half way] to the street lamp, [still] lengthening behind him. (Long pause.) Conclusion. [(Begin tears)] Conclusion. (Long pause) Oh time giver of light - (Pause.) Oh time when we come to this and .... [this] dark where she was laid so long ago this prayer giver of light and taker of it away take it away. (Pause. Tears, at length. End of tears. Pause.) Conclusion. The body. [On its]

DOODLE 16
[p. 12v]







          24
          60
      1440
    ___60
3)864.00
   288.00

30.000 pauses of [3 se]
3 secs = 1 [day's] pause

365 x 24 x 60 x 60

                    365
                  __24
                  1460
                  730_
                  8760 hours
                ___60
               528600 minutes
        _______60
864. )31.716.000 |36
         2592
          .5796
           5184
            .612

30 million seconds in a year
how many pauses silences of 3 seconds to
make total silence of 24 hrs.
= 86.000 seconds

365 pauses of 3 seconds

60)

60)1000
         16

2.500[.]0
86)31.716

95

quiet with them.

DOODLE 17

365

[1000 pauses]
1 pause every thousand
seconds

4

1/4 every [hour] = 1 in 4
1/2                      2 . 4
3/4            -         3 . 4

3

? pauses in 4 hours to obtain 1 [h]
1/4 = 5 x 3 minutes
300 x 3 secs

DOODLE 18 DOODLE 19 DOODLE 20
DOODLE 21

1/365

This it is certainly among other things that keeps me going

I am not speaking to myself, more than that I cannot say, I am not speaking to myself, I have no need whatsoever of that, I have nothing whatsoever there is nothing I wish to say, to say, every word is mild torture [xx] I would [give] all I have [xx] to be silent stop, DOODLE 22 but [I have nothing,] nothing left, or there are no takers, [how I] understand them, more than that [I cannot] say[.] I am not speaking to myself [and] I am not speaking voluntarily wd. give all [I have to stop], this [is not] intended as information. I have no information Pause Long pPause
I do of course get some silence, as just now, when I pause [go silent]. pause after a period.
Long pause

DOODLE 23
[p. 13r]







back[xx], flat, [stretched] out [xxx] pillow.
back, flat, [no] pillow, under the chandelier [][blazing], the eyes - (Pause.) Closed [mostly], then suddenly open and gaze up unblinking half a minute forty seconds undazzled. ([Tone of irritated expostulation].) Get up. Draw the - [curtains] (Pause.) Fling open the [curtains], the windows, let in the sun, the breeze, pour in, go out, sun, breeze, [flowers], birds, get up, open all up, go out, live! (Pause) Can't you! (Pause.[)] The voice Normal tone.) The voice (assuming voice, low, fast[,] breathless.) Ah you and your living, will [you] leave off talking to me about living. (Panting.) [What else] am I doing only living, what else do you call [this] I'm doing only living? (Panting.) Is it because I'm lying [here] quiet with my thoughts - (panting) - not whining after anything and not [pawing] over anything - (panting) - that I amn't living? (Norm (Pause. Normal voice.) [The] thoughts. (Pause) How it is that - (Pause.) how it is you can't one cannot see the - (pause) - xxx cause. [(Pause. xxx xxx cause]. (Pause.) Lie there [in possession] knowing [xx] all the facts with and nothing [else] [other] to do and [not] never [see] the [xxx xxx] cause. (Pause.) What has become of the need for help. (Pause.) Quiet [with them]. (Assumed voice, vehement.) Take it away! Take it away! Go away! (Panting. [Normal voice].) Turn it off! (Panting. Normal voice.) [Sings] Songs. [(]Sing. (Sings.)
              .   .   .   .   .   .
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
(Pause. Sings)
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
(Pause)

(Pause of [1 to] 2 seconds every minute or minute & a half at least a [week's] silence in year)

These pauses silences pauses scarcely more than for breath[[]] and I do not count the others the commas these pauses between periods are not on a average ... of an average ... on an average more than [of] [say] do not exceed more [than] say from one to two seconds on an average any single one and I have calculated, I have calculated while going along but they [add] mount up [and] I have calculated reckoned, I have reckoned [on] whilst going along that [that] one [on an] average every minute on an average mounts up to a week a year I think this is accurate, a week's silence week's silence so why [would] I complain, I do not, this it is undoubtedly among other things [that] keeps me going.

DOODLE 24
MS. Pages: cover - 13r 13v - 18r 18v - backcover