MS-TCD-4664

- come ^now to Kilcool^{e this} time in Kilcool from ^those other times other homes nearer town we have seen to Kilcool^e further out (curtain up) to live in Kilcool^e papa dead we have seen and then mamma perhaps of grief or partly grief that simple bug that but for grief ^enfeebling but ^{we have seen no more of that} all has been weighed all that remained and tip tip now the one scale now the other and so no more those other times other homes what remained we have seen and now Kilcool that time in Kilcool^e with this aunt to go on living with this aunt in Kilcool^e both parents gone we have seen having nothing and this aunt came forward to take the girl away the orphan girl to take her to her bosom and take her to her home in Kilcool^e further out this widowed childless aunt to go on living with her in her humble home in Kilcool^e that is the time we are come to now. (Pause.) Oh God grant - (Pause.) Oh grant Time the Father ... that dark when she dies when she so young so long ago was laid in Redford by the sea when we come to that time that dark room now where she was

laid so young so long ago the darkened room the sleepless days and all night the skylight the pink shade and little sleep that short sickness when we come to that and then the dark where she was laid this prayer giver of light and taker of it away this prayer again take it away. (Pause. Weeps. Five seconds.) Out there by the Slow & Easy third class coast line to avoid the charge all her troubles in a grip in the sack beautiful sun most of the way just the tunnels through the Head corner seats on the sea side gazing out beautiful sun all blue and glitter just the tunnels through the Head and then the aunt putting out the old hand saying Don't be fretting pet don't you be fretting you'll be happy with me. (Pause)

... and ^while it was not clear at first that she was now in position meaning of course no further positions and what is more ^{to the point} no further change of position worth mentioning such as for example turning over on the side ^{(on face)} now the one side now the other ^{in order} to rest the back and even as some are seen to do when the sides are weary ^over on the face breasts permitting, while this was not yet clear meaning to her entourage not yet even to them though to her quite clear that she was now in position

(Normal voice)
... leave her like that in the state she was in - and here he ^halted with his hand on the door-knob and turned back to look at her - to look at her? No, just turned back. ^Sick of the sight - (curtain) - leave her like that knowing the state she was in - here he turned and let her see his face - without hearing her out or a word of explanation or a word ... as to when ... perhaps soon ... again, did he not realize, (violently) did he not realize? (Pause. Assuredly.) He did. He thought he did. And that to hear her out wd. be ^only to hear ^again what he had heard a thousand times already. And that to explain would be ^only to say ^again what he had said a thousand times already. And that he had to go away - meaning a journey - and did not know when he would be back. But that when ^{he was} back ... And that everyone had their troubles. All to the carpet, ^through her. (Long pause) She got her bottom off her heels, then up off her knees xx DOODLE 15 her feet and over to the window, closing the curtains behind her to shut off the light of the room and see into the street. He turned over and made ^off, his shadow lengthening before him till he was half way to the street lamp, still lengthening behind him. (Long pause.) Conclusion. (Long pause) Oh time giver of light - (Pause.) Oh time when we come to this ^.... this dark where she was laid so long ago this prayer giver of light and taker of it away take it away. (Pause. Tears, at length. End of tears. Pause.) Conclusion. The body. On its

This it is certainly among other things that keeps me going

I am not speaking to myself, more than that I cannot say, I am not speaking to myself, I have no need whatsoever of that, ^{there is nothing I wish to say,} , every word is ^mild torture I would give all I have ^stop, DOODLE 22 but I have nothing, nothing left, or there are no takers, how I understand them, more than that I cannot say. I am not speaking to myself and ^{wd. give all I have to stop}, this is not intended as information. ^Pause
I do of course get some silence, as just now, when I pause after a period.
pause

back, flat, no pillow, under the chandelier [⁁]^blazing, the eyes - (Pause.) Closed mostly, then suddenly open and gaze up unblinking half a minute forty seconds undazzled. (Tone of irritated expostulation.) Get up. Draw the - (Pause.) Fling open the curtains, the windows, let in the sun, the breeze, ^{pour in,} go out, sun, breeze, flowers, birds, get up, open all up, go out, live! (Pause) Can't you! (Pause.) ^{Normal tone}.) The voice (assuming voice, low, fast, breathless.) Ah you and your living, will you leave off talking to me about living. (Panting.) What else am I doing only living, what else do you call this I'm doing only living? (Panting.) Is it because I'm lying here quiet with my thoughts - (panting) - not whining after anything and not pawing over anything - (panting) - that I amn't living? (Pause. Normal voice.) The thoughts. (Pause) How it is that - (Pause.) how it is ^{one cannot} see the - (pause) - cause. (Pause.) Lie there ^knowing all the facts ^and nothing ^other to do and not ^never see the ^cause. (Pause.) What has become of the need for help. (Pause.) Quiet with them. (Assumed voice, vehement.) Take it away! Take it away! Go away! (Panting. Turn it off! (Panting. Normal voice.) Songs. (Sings.)
              .   .   .   .   .   .
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
(Pause. Sings)
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
              .   .   .   .   .   .   .
(Pause)

(Pause of ^{1 to} 2 seconds every minute or minute & a half at least a week's silence in year)

These ^pauses scarcely more than for breath[⁁] ^{and I do not count the others the commas these pauses between periods} are not on a average ... of an average ... on an average ^{do not exceed more than say} from one to two seconds ^{on an average} any single one but they ^mount up and I have reckoned, I have reckoned whilst going along that that one ^{on an average} every minute mounts up to a week a year I think this is accurate, a week's silence so why would I complain, I do not, this it is undoubtedly among other things that keeps me going.