MS-TCD-4664

I am not talking to myself, more than that I cannot say, I am not talking to myself, I have no more need of that, there is nothing ^no more I wish to say, ^{every word is mild torture,} I would give all I have to stop, but I have nothing, nothing left, or there are no takers, how I understand them, more than that I cannot say, I am not talking to myself but would give all I have to stop, this is not intended as information. ^{- (emphatically) - it is well known how I stand.}

Pause

Silence of course I do get in a xxx sense, as just now, when (pause) after ^{one second, two seconds} a period, a certain amount afar some other voice.

Pause.

These pauses scarcely more than for breath do ^are not on a average ... of an average ... on an average, do not on an average exceed more than let us x say from one to two seconds any single one, that seems to be the maximum ^{longer I know not}, but they mount up, amazingly ^{it is quite amazing,} and I have reckoned, I have reckoned whilst going along that two or three every minute or so which seems fair mounts up to something in the neighbourhood ^nature of a week a year, I think this is accurate, a week's silence, so why complain, I do not, this it is undoubtedly among other things that keeps me going.

Pause.

^{One second, two seconds So brief, what is it, it mounts up it is amazing, I have worked it out, one second, two seconds, every now and then, I have worked it out while going along, a week a year, is not this amazing, one second, two seconds, every now & then, a week a year, is it not amazing, This This I suppose it is that keeps me going, one second, two seconds, every now & then.} So brief, what is it, it mounts up, it is amazing, I have worked it out, I have worked it out while going along, one second, two seconds, every now & then ^again, a week a year, is it not amazing, this I suppose it is that keeps me going, one second, two seconds, every now & then. ^again.

Was I in someone once?

Pause

Memory, gone, this is ^too a help too, I suppose, things said before - (pause) - things said before. Which in the normal way ^normally - (pause) - painful ^irksome to hear again, things said before - (pause) - never said before, all fresh, and new, on and on, virgin ways, never been ^trod before, virgin? Well ... for me ^{this old whore}. Yes, memory, gone, and yet a time once, or pure fancy, pure ^mere fancy, when there was dark, on and off, I went out, or just the longing ^{mere hankering}, to be unseen, xxx ^oh not now, only for a time, for there to have been a time, moments, once, when I was unseen, and so think, be able to think, it was not always ^{(tears coming)} ... the way it is ^{like this}, there was a time ... moments ... when I was happy ... I was unseen ... ... what it is ... what it was ... to be happy ... happy? ... well ... compared with -

(Tears. End of tears. Pause.)

There is s^Someone in me, trying to get out, saying let me out, let me out, when I think of that, inside me all xxx dark, someone there, wanting out, into the light, poor creature, sometimes it seems ... it seems true, I talk and talk and hear nothing only (assumed voice, low, panting ^breathless), Let me out! Let me out! (normal voice) Was I in someone once, and where is she now, if I was in her once, and she let me out, this these are the kind of thoughts that keep on cropping up, ^{the thoughts that assail, [⁁]} as I go along, they are a help. Oh I am wearied, if the impossible were being asked it would not be so bad. be less hellish.

(Pause.)

Let me see now if I can remember, not (talking) to myself, silence enough ... when you add it up ^{work it out} ... to support ... life, what else ... memory gone, did I say that, I take it back, and yet a time, instants of x moments of ... (tears coming) ... moments when ... ^{even then is something wanting, ah yes, no information intended...} or just fancy ... (tears resume) ... what else ... someone in me

Nothing speaks of nothing

xxx

There is no me and there is no one else, there is no one at all, there was never any me at all.

My I's are nothing and my mes are nothing and my my's are nothing and so for all the other persons in the quartet or quintet as may be.

I am nothing speaking of nothing neither to myself nor to anyone else.

^{Of things I am less formal, mind is being the nothing maker.}

I have been speaking for ever and will go on speaking for ever.

I speak in sentences of different ^varying length, but seldom ^{seldom never} exceeding thirty words, longer than this I cannot.

These are all perfectly constructed ^{quite of regular construction}, with a beginning, a middle and an end.

The number Their number I cannot state with certitude, but it must lie in the neighbourhood of 500.

All opening questions in tone of one intoning a question

The time? - (Pause.) Night. (Pause.) He always came at night. (Pause.) They never met by day, (Pause.) He had never seen her, she had never seen him, by the light of day.

How this was? - (Pause.) He was never free, in the daytime. Even in the long summer days he was never free, in the daytime. Night had to fall, before he could be free.

Met in the first place? - (Pause.) I hear told this. (Pause.) He saw ^{chanced to see} her from, the street, through the lighted window. She turned the light low and saw his face pressed against the glass. She went ^{stood a moment looking, then} over and pressed hers to it too. For the fun of it. The same pane, on her side. She loved a bit of fun. fun. innocent fun. He took off his cap. (Pause.) The smi laughing faces with just the glass between them. (Pause.) I hear told all this.

Pause.

The place? - Her room, M^rs Frost's old room. ^{that was.} (Pause.) A time came when M^rs Frost could no longer manage the stairs. She said, What would you say, Miss, to taking my room, it has a bath, and letting me have yours? (Pause.) I can no longer manage the stairs. (Pause.) It would mean everything to me, Miss. (Pause.) It was a finer room in every way - and could not be observed from the street. (Pause.) It was there, not long after the change over.

Her age? - (Pause.) No longer young, not yet old. (Pause.) Reasonably well preserved. (Pause.) Withering beauty - but beauty still. (Pause.) No glaring blemishes, as yet. (Pause.) His? (Pause.) Impossible to say. (Pause.) Brilliant exterior.

How often? (Pause.) Oh ... two hundred ... two fifty ...