MS-UoR-1477-6

[0015] that time you went back that last time to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child when was that (eyes close) ^{dull grey day} took the eleven to the end of the line and ^on from there no no trams then all gone long ago that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child not a tram left in the place only the old rails when was that

[0016] when you went in out of the rain always winter then always raining that time in the Portrait Gallery in off the street out of the cold and wet ^rain slipped in when no one was looking and through the rooms ^[halls] all shivering and dripping till you found a seat marble slab and sat down to s^rest and dry off and on out to hell out of there when was that

[0017] B^on the stone sitting together in the sun on the stone at the edge of the little wood and as far as eyes could see the wheat turning yellow vowing every now and again you loved each other ^{just a murmur} not touching or anything of that nature yl^ou one end of the stone she the other long low stone like millstone no looks just sitting there ^together on the stone in the sun with the little wood behind you gazing at the wheat or eyes closed no sign of life not a soul abroad ^{no sound}

[0019] C^was your mother still ah for God's sake all dust the lot of them long ago ^{all gone long ago all dust the lot} you the last huddled up on the slab in the old green greatcoat with your arms round you whose else hugging you for a bit of warmth to dry off and on out to hell out of there and on to the next not a living soul in the place only [a] yourself and a few attendants drowsing around in their felt pantofles ^{galoshes shufflers} not a sound to be heard only every now and again a shuffle of felt drawing near then dying away

[0018] straight off the ferry and up with the nightbag to the main ^high street neither right nor left not a curse for the old scenes the old faces ^names straight o^up the rise from the wharf to the main ^high street and there not a wire to be seen only the old rails all rust when was that was your motg^her still ah for God's sake not ^at all all gone long ago that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child someone's folly

[0020] all still just the leaves and ears and you too still on the stone in a kind of daze not speaking ^{a word} only every now and again to vow you loved each other ^{just a murmur} one thing could ever bring tears to your eyes ^{a tear} till they dried up altogether that thought when it came up among the others floated up that picture ^scene

[0022] till you m^lifted your head and f^there before your eyes when they opened a vast oil black with age and dirt someone famous in his time presumably some famous man or woman or even child such as a young prince or princess some young prince or princess of the blood [w]^sheeted with glass ^{black with age behind the glass (sheet)} where gradually as you looked trying to make it out gradually of all things a face appeared that made you swivel round ^{turn on the slab} to see who it was there in the rom^om you hadn't heard ^{at your shoulder elbow}

[0021] Foley was it Foley's Folly bit of the ^a tower still standing all the rest rubble and nettles where did you sleep no friends all the homes gone was it that kip on the front where you no she was with you then still with you then just the one night in any case off the ferry one morning and back on her the next to look was the ^ruin still there where none ever came where you hid as a child slip off when no one was looking and hide there all day on a stone among the nettles with your picture-book

[0023] on the stone in the sun gazing at the wheat or seeming to ^{the sky or the eyes closed} nothing else to be seen from where you sat but the wheat turning yellow and the blue sky vowing every now and again ^then you loved each other ^{just a murmur} tears without fail till they dried up altogether suddenly there in whatever thoughts you might be having ^coming whatever visions ^scenes perhaps way ^[stet] back ^[xxx] in your childhood or the womb that was the worst of all or that old Chinaman long before Christ born with long white a^hi^air

[0025] or talking ti^o yourself whl^o else out loud imaginary conversations there was childhood for you ten or eleven on a stone among the giant nettles making it up now one voice now another till you wre^ere hoarse and they all sounded alike ^{the same} well on into the night some moods in the dark or moonlight have them ^{and they} all out on the roads looking for you

[0024] never the same after that never quite the same but that was nothing new if it was ^wasn't this it was that common occurrence something you could never be the same after crawling around year after year with your eyes on the ground sunk in your lifelong mess muttering to yourself who else you'll never be the same after this you were never the same after that

[0026] or just sitting by the window in the dark listening ^harking to the owl not a thought in your head till you began finding it hard to believe harder and harder to believe you ever told anyone you loved them or anyone you till it became ^justjust one of those things ^{old tales} you used to make up ^{went on muttering} to keep the void out just another of those things you uw^sed to keep making up for yourself to keep the void from pouring in on top of you the shroud

[0030] never the same but the same as what for God's sake did you ever w^say I to yourself in your life come on now ^{(eyes close)} did ^could you ever say I to yourself in your life turning-point that was a great word with you before they dried up altogether always having turning-points and never but the one the first and last that time curled up worm in slime when they lugged you out and dried ^wiped you off and straightened u^you up that was your turning point never another after that ^{never the same after that} never looked back after that was that the time or was that another time

[0031] muttering that time together on the stone in the sun and so on as you went along or that time together on the towpath (eyes close) or that time together in the sand that time that time making it up from there as best you could always toh^gether somewhere in the sun or the dhooting hooting died and not another sound hour after hour not a sound together on the towpath facing downstream into the sun sinking and the bits of flotsam coming from behind and drifting on or caught in the reeds the dead rat it looked like that time ^[[Stet]] came on you from behind and went drifting on till you could see it no more

[0032] that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child straight off the ferry and up to the main ^high street to catch the eleven neither right nor left only one thought in your head not a curw^se for the old scenes the old faces ^{the old names} just head down press on up the rise to the stop and stood there waiting with the nightbag till the truth began to dawn

[0033] when you began not knowing who you were from Adam trying how that would work not knowing who you were fro;^m Adam no notion who it wass saying what you were saying whose skull you were clapped up in whose moan had you the way you were was that the time or was that another time there ^alone[⁁] with the portraits of the dead black with dirt and ant antiquity and the dates on the frames in case you might get the century wrong not believing it could be you till they put you out ^{[sxxx out]} in the rain at closing-time

[0035] no getting out to it that way so what next no question of asking not another word to the living as long as you lived ^so foot it up in the end to the station bowed half double get out to it that way all closed down and boarded up Doric terminus of theGreat Southern and Eastern all closed down and the colonnade crumbling away so what next

^{[0034] no sight of the face or any other part never turned to her nor she to you always parallel like on an axle-tree never turned to each other just blurs on the fringes of the field no touching or anything of that nature always space between if only a few inchews no pawaing to see were you flesh and blood no pawing in the manner of flesh and blood no better than figments shades if it wasn't for the vows}

[0038] gave it up gave up and sat down on the steps in the pale morning sun no no sun those steps got no ⁽morning⁾ sun somewhere else then gave up and off somewhere else and sat down on a step in the pale sun a doorstep say someone's doorstep for it to be time to get on the night ferry and out to hell out of there no need sleep anywhere not a curse for the old scenes the old faces ^names the passers stopping ^pausing to gape at you like something out of Beckett ^{quick gape then pass on pass by on the other side}

^{[0036] the rain and the old rounds trying making it up that way as you went along how it would work that way for a change never having been how never having been would work the old rounds trying to wangle transmute you into it tottering and muttering all over the parish till the words dried up and the legs head dried up and the legs dried up whosever thety were or it gave up whoever it was}

[0040] always ^{forever [Stet]} winter then always ^forever raining always slipping in somewhere when no one would be looking in off the street out of the cold and wet ^rain in the old green holeproof coat y our father left you places you hadn't to pay to get in such as ^like the Public Library that was another another time great thing free culture in bad ^foul weather far from home or the Post Office that was another another time

[0037] huddled stock still always stock still like that time on the stone or that time in the sand stretched out parallel in the sun gazing up at the blue with the glider or eyes closed blue dark blue dark stock still side by side picture ^scene float up and there you were wherever it might be

[0047] always winter then endless winter year after year as if it couldn't end the old year never end like time could go no further earth no further that time in the Post Office [⁁]^{(eyes close)} all bustle Christman^s bustle in off the street when no one was looking out of the cold and wet ^rain pushed open the door like anyone else and straight for the table neither right nor left with all the forms and the ballpoin^ts ^pens on their chains sat down on first vacant street ^seat and were taking a look round for a change before drowsing away

[0041] huddled on the doorstep in the old green greatcoat in the pale sun with the nightbag needless on your knees not knowing where you were little by little not knowing where you were or when you were or what for place might have been deserted for all you knew ⁽or cared⁾ like that time on the stone where none ever came

[0039] stock still side by side in the sun then sink and vanish without your having stirred any more than the two knobs on a dumbbell excepts the eyelids and every now and again the lips to vow and all around too all still all side^s wherever it might be no stir or sound only faintly the leaves in the little wood behind you or the ears or the bent or the reeds as the case might be of man no sight or sound