MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[0618] enough attention.[0619] No more perhaps^es either,[0620] that old trick ^{is
worn to a thread}.[0621] I'll forbid myself everything, then ^{go on}
as if I hadn't.[0622] The master.[0623] A few allusions here and there, as
to a satrap, with a view to enlisting sympathy.[0624] They clothe^d
me an^d gave me money, that kind of thing, the light touch.
[0625] Then no more.[0626] Or Moran's boss, I forget his name.

[0627] Ah ^yes, certain
things, things I invented, hoping for the best, full of doubts,
croaking with fatigue, I remember certain things, not always the
same.[0628] But to investigate this matter seriously, I mean with as
much futile ardour as that of the underling, which I hoped was
mine, close to mine, the road to mine, no, that never occurred to
me.

[0629] And if it occurs to me now it is because I have despaired of
mine.[0630] A moment of discouragement, to strike while hot.[0631] My master
then,assuming he issolitary, in my image, wishes me well, po^or
devil, wishes my good, and if he does not seem to do very much
in order not to be disappointed it is because there is not very
much to be done or, better still, because there is nothing to be
done, otherwise he would have done it, my good and great master,
that must be it, long ago, poor devil.

[0632] Ano^ther hypothesⁱs^, he has
taken the necessary steps, his will is done as far as I am con-
cerned (for ^{he may have} other protégés) and all is well with
me without my knowing it.[0633] Cases one and two.[0634] I'll consider the
former first, if I can.[0635] Then I'll admire the latter, if my eyes
are still open.[0636] This sounds like one of Mahood's anecdotes.

[0638] But
quick, consider, before you forget.[0639] There he is then, the unfort-
unate devil, quite miserable because of me, for wh^om there is
nothing to be done, and he so anxious to help, so used to giving
orders and to being obeyed.

[0640] There he is ever since I came into
the world, possi^bly at his instigation, I wouldnt
put it past him, commanding me to be well, you know, in every way,
no complaints at all, with as much success as if he were ^shouting
at a ^lump of inanimate matter.[0641] If he is not pleased with this
p^anegyric I hope I may be — I nearly said hanged, but that I hope
in any case, without restrictions, I nearly said con, that would
cut my cackle.[0642] ^{Ah for a} neck^!I want all to be

[0643] I want all to be