MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[1158] to impressions, and one ear, sufficiently, and the head sufficient-
ly obedient, to provide me with at least a vague idea of the
elements to be removed from the setting, for all to be empty
and silent.[1159] It was always the way.[1160] Just at the [^/]moment when the
world is assembled at last, and it begins to dawn on me how I
can leave ^{[⁁] it}, all fades and disappears.

[1161] I shall hⁿever see this place
again, where my jar stands on its pedestal, with its garland [^/]of
many-coloured lanterns, and me inside it, I could not cling to it.
[1162] Perhaps they will have me struck with lightning, for a change,
or poleaxed, one merry [x]ak bank-holiday evening, then bundled in
my shrouhd and whisked away, out of sign^t and mind.

[1163] Or they will
have me removed alive, for a change, cleared away, and deposited
for a change, ^shifted and depositied deposited elsewhere, all a ^{[xxx xxx chance]} at all
[^/ ]hazards.[1164] And on my next appearance, if ever I appear again, all
will be new, new and strange.

[1165] But little by little I'll get used
to it, with their help, used to the scene, used to me, and little
by little the old problem will raise its horrid head, how to live,
with their kind of life, for a single second, young or old, without
help or guidance ^{a helping hand}.

[1166] And being thus reminded of other attempts, in
other circumstances, I shall start asking myself questions, helped
by[x] them, prompted by them, like those I have just been asking, con-
cerning them me, and them, and these suf^dden changes of time and
age, and how to succeed at last where I had always failed, so that

[1166] they may be pleased, and perhaps leave me in peace at last, and free
to do what I have to do, namely try and please the other, if that
is what I have to to do, so that he may be pleased, and leave me
in peace, and give me quittance, and the right to rest, and to
silence, if that is in his gift.

[1167] It's a lot to expect from one
creature, it's a lot to ask, that he should first behave as if
he was ^were not, then as if he was ^were, before being admitted to tht^at peace
where he neither is, nor is not, and where the language dies that
permits of such expressions.Two falsehoods, two trappings, to
suffer to the end, before I can be let loose, alone, in the un-
thinkable unspeakable, where I have not ceased to be, where they

[1168] Two falsehoods, two trappings, to
suffer to the end, before I can be let loose, alone, in the un-
thinkable unspeakable, where I have not ceased to be, where they