[2180.1] Oh I know, I know, attention please, this may mean
something, I know, there's nothing new there, it's
all part of the same old irresistible boloney,
namely, But my dear man, come, be reasonable, look, this
is you, look at this photograph, and here's your
file, no convictions, I assure you, come now, make an effort,
at your age, to have no identity, it's a scandal,
I assure you, look at this photograph, what, you see nothing,
true for you, no matter, here, look at this death's-head, you'll
see, you'll be all right, it won't last long, here, look, here's
the record, insults to policemen, indecent exposure, sins
against holy ghost, contempt of court, impertinence to superiors,
impudence to inferiors, deviations from reason, without
[p. 103r] battery, look, no battery, it's nothing, you'll be all right,
you'll see, I beg your pardon, does he work, good God no, out
of the question, [2180.2] look, here's the mediacl 
report, spasmodic tabes,
painless ulcers (gommes), I repeat, painless, all is painless,
multiple softenings, numerous hardenings, insensitive to blows,
sight failing, chronic indigestion, light diet, shit well tolerated, hearing failing, heart irregular, sweet-tempered, smell
failing, soun d sleeper, no erections, would you like some more,
commission in the territorials, inoperable, untransportable, look,
here's the face, no no, the other end, I assure you, it's a
bargain, I beg your pardon, does he drink, good God yes, passionately, I beg your pardon, father and mother, both dead, at seven
months interval, he at the [/]conception, she at the nativity, I
assure you, you won't do better, at your age, to have no human
shape, the pity of it, look, here's the photograph, you'll see,
you'll be all right, what does it amount to, after all, a painful moment, on the surface, then peace, underneath, it's the only
way, take my word, the only way out, I beg your pardon, have I
nothing else, why certainly, certainly, just a second, I was
wondering myself, just a second, if you were not rather, just a
second, here we are, this one here, but I wanted to make sure,
what, you don't understand, neither do I, no matter, it's no time
for levity, yes, I was right, no doubt this time, it's you all over, [2180.3] look,
here's the photograph, have a look at that, he's dying on his feet,
you'd better hurry, it's a bargain, and so on, so on, till I'm
tempted, no, all lies, they know it well, I never understood,
I haven't stirred, I'm all right, I'll be all right, when they
depart, I haven't stirred, all I've said, said I've done, said
I've been, it's they who said it, I've said nothing, I haven't
stirred, they don't understand, I can't stir, they think I don't
want to, that their conditions don't suit me, that they'll hit
on others, in the end, to my liking, then I'll stir, they'll
have put me in their pocket, off the cushion, that's how I see
it, no, I see nothing, they don't ubderstand , I can't go towards
[p. 104r] them, they'll have to come and get me, if they want me,
Mahood won't get me out, nor Worm either, they set
great hopes on Worm, to coax me out, he was something new, different from all
the others, meant to be, perhaps he was, for me they're all the same,
they don't understand, I can't stir, I'm all right here, I'd be
all right, if they'd leave me, let them come and get me, if they
want me, they'll find nothing, then they can depart, with an
esay mind. [2181] And if there is only one, like me, he can depart without fear of remorse, having done all he could, and even more, to
achieve the impossible and so lost his life, or stay with me
here, he might do that, and be a like for me,
that would be delightful, my first like, that would be epoch-making, to know I had a like, a congener, he wouldn't have to
be like me, he couldn't but be like me, he need only relax,
he might believe what he pleased, at the outset, that he was
in hell, or that the place was charming, he might even
exclaim, I'll never stir again, being used to
announcing his decisions, at the top of his voice, and thus get
to know them better, he might even add, to cover all risks
, For the moment, it would be his last bit of balderdash inanity,
he need only relax, he'd disappear, he'd know nothing either,
there we'd be the two of us, unbeknown to ourselves, unbeknown to each other, that's a darling dream I've been having,
a broth of a dream. [2182] And it's not over. [Stet] DOODLE 15 [2183] For here comes another,
to see what has happened to his pal, and get him out, and back to
his right mind, and back to his kin, with a flow of threats and
promises, and tales like this of wombs and cribs, diapers bepissed
and the first long trousers, love's young dream and life's old
lech, blood and tears and skin and bones and the tossing in the
grave, and so coax him out, as he me, that's right, pidgin
bullskrit, and in the end, having lived his life, no, before, but
you've got my meaning, and there we are the three of us, it's
more cosy, perpetual dream, you only have to sleep, not even
that, it's like the [⁁] old jingle, A dog [⁁] crawled into the kitchen, And stole
a crust of bread, Then cook up with I forget what, And walloped
[p. 105r] him till he was dead, second verse, Then all the dogs came
crawling, And dug the dog a tomb, And wrote upon the tombstone,
For dogs and bitches to come, third verse, as the first,
fourth, as the second, fifth, as the third, give us time, give
us time and we'll be a multitude, a thousand, ten thousand,
there's no lack of room, adeste, adeste, all ye living bastards,
you'll be all right, you'll see, you'll never be born again,
what am I saying, you'll never have been born, and bring
your brats, our hell will be heaven to them, after what you've
done to them. [2184] But come to think of it are we not already a
goodly company, what right have I to flatter myself I'm the
first, first in time I mean of course, there are some more
questions,please God they don't take the fancy to answer them. [2185] What can they be hatching anyhow, at this late hour? [2186] Can it
be they are resolved at last to seize me by the horns? [2187] Looks
like it. [2188] In that case tableau any minute. [2189] Oyez, oyez, I was
like them, before being like me, oh the swine, that's one I
won't get over in a hurry, no matter, no matter, the charge
is sounded, present arms, corpse, to your guns, spermatozoon. [2190] I too, weary of pleading an incomprehensible cause, at six and
eightpence the thousand flowers of rhetoric, let myslef drop among
the contumacious, nice image that, telescoping space, it must
be the Pulitzer Prize, they're trying to bore me to sleep, at
long range, for fear I might defend myself, they want to catch
me alive, so as to be able to kill me, thus I shall have lived,
they think I'm alive, what a business, were there but a cadaver
it would smack of body-snatching, not in a womb either, the
slut has yet to menstruate capable of whelping me, that should
singularly restrict the field of research, a sperm dying, of cold,
in the sheets, wagging feebly its little tail, perhaps
I'm a drying sperm, in the sheets of an innocent boy, even that
takes time, not a stone must be left unturned, one mustn't
be afraid of making a howler, how can one know it is one before it's
made, and one it most certainly is, now that it's irrevocable,
for the good reason, here's another, here comes another, unless it
[p. 106r]DOODLE 16 escapes them in time, what a hope, the bright boy is there,
for the excellent reason that that counts as living too, counts
as murder, it's , notorious, oh you can't deny it, some
people are lucky, born of a wet dream and dead before morning,
I must say I'm tempted, no, the testis has yet to
descend that would would have any truck with me, it's mutual, another gleam down
the drain. [2191] And now one last look at Mahood, at Worm, it's our
last chance, ah will they never learn sense, there's
nothing more [⁁] to be got, there was never anything to be got from those
stories, I have mine, let them tell it to me, they'll see
there's nothing to be got from it either, nothing to be got
from me, it will be the end, of this hell of stories, you'd think
it was I cursing them, always the same old trick, you'd be
sorry for them, perhaps I'll curse them yet, they'll know what
it is to be a subject of conversation, I'll
impute words to them you wouldn't throw to a dog, an ear, a mouth, and in the
middle a few rags of mind, I'll get my own back, a few flitters
of mind, they'll see what it's like, I'll clap an eye at random
in the thick of the mess, on the offchance something might
stray in front of it, then I'll let down my trousers and shit
stories at them, stories, photographs, records, sites, lights,
gods and fellow-creatures, the daily round and common task,
observing the while, Be born, dear friends, be born, enter my
arse, you'll just love my colic pains, it won't take long, I've
the gripes. [2192] They'll see what it's like, that it's not so easy as
it looks, that you must have a taste for it, that it's not
within reach of everyone, that you must be born alive, that
it's not a thing you can acquire, that will teach them perhaps,
to keep their nose out of my business. [2193] Yes, if I could, but I
can't, whatever it is, I can't any more, I could perhaps
once, in the days when I was bursting my guts, as per
instructions, to bring back to the fold the dear lost lamb,
I'd been told he was dear, that he was dear to me, that I was
dear to him, that we were dear to each other, all my life I've
pelted him with twaddle, the dear departed, wondering what he 
[p. 107r] could possibly be like, wondering where we could possibly have
met, all my life, well, almost, damn the almost, all my life,
until I joined him, and now it's I am dear to them,
now it's they are dear to me, glad to hear it, they'll join
us, one by one, what a pity they're numberless, so are we,
dear charnel-house of renegades, this evening decidedly everything is dear, no matter, the ancients hear
nothing, for them it's all over, hell is reserved for the last
arrival, and my old quarry, there beside me, for him it's all
over, beside me how are you, underneath me, we[⁁]'re piled up in
heaps, no, that won't work either, no matter, it's a detail,
for him it's all over, him the second-last, and for me too,
me the last, it will soon be all over, I'll hear nothing
more, I've nothing to do, simply wait, it's a slow business,
he'll come and lie on top of me, lie beside me, my dear tormentor, his turn to suffer what he made me suffer, mine to be
at peace. [2194] How all comes right in the end to be sure , it's thanks
to patience, thanks to time, it's thanks to the earth that
revolves that the earth revolves no more, that time ends its
meal, and pain comes to an end, you only have to wait, without
doing anything, it's no good doing anything, and without
understanding, [⁁] there's no help in understanding, and all comes right,
nothing comes right, nothing, nothing, this will never end, this
voice will never stop, I am alone here, the first and the last,
I never made anyone suffer, I never stopped anyone's suffering,
no one will ever stop mine, they'll never depart, I'll never
stir, I'll never know peace, neither will they, but with this
difference, that they don't want it, they say they don't want
it, they say I don't want it either, don't want peace, after
all prehaps they're right, how could I want it, what is it,
and this business of suffering, what is it, they say I suffer,
perhaps they're right, and that I'd feel better if I did this,
said that, if my body stirred, if my head understood, if they
went silent and departed, perhaps they're right, how would 
[p. 108r] I know about these things, how would I understand what they're
talking about, I'll never stir, never speak, they'll never go
silent, never depart, they'll never catch me, never trop trying,
that's that, I'm listening. [2195.1] Well I prefer that, I must say I
prefer that, that what, oh you know, who you, oh I suppose the audience
well well, so there's an audience, it's a public show, you buy
your seat and you wait, perhaps it's free, a free show,
you take your seat and wait for it to begin, or perhaps it's
compulsory, a compulsory show, you wait for the compulsory show
to begin,it takes time, you hear a voice, perhaps it's a
recitation, that's the show, someone reciting, selected passages,
old favourites, a poetry matinée, or someone improvising, you
can barely hear him, that's the show, [2195.2] you can't leave, you're
afraid to leave, it might be worse elsewhere, you make
, the best of it, try and be reasonable, you came too early, here we'd need latin,
it's only beginning, it hasn't begun, he's only preluding,
clearing his throat, alone in his dressing-room, he'll appear
in a moment, he'll begin in a moment, or it's the stage-manager,
giving his instructions, his last recommendations, before the
curtain rises, that's the show, waiting for the show, to the sound
of a murmur, you pull yourself together try and be reasonable, perhaps it's not a
voice at all, perhaps it's the air, ascending, descending,
flowing, eddying, seeking an exit, finding none, [2195.3] and the
spectators, where are they, you didn't notice, in the anguish
of waiting, never noticed you were waiting alone, that's the show, waiting
alone, in the restless air, for it to begin, for something
to begin, for there to be something else but you, for the power
to go, the courage to leave, try & be reasonable, perhaps you are blind, probably deaf, the show is over,
all is over, but where then is the hand, the helping hand
or merely charitable, or the hired hand, it's a long time
coming, to take yours and draw you away,
that's the show, free, gratis and for nothing, waiting
alone, blind and deaf, you don't know where,
you don't know for what, for a hand to come,
and draw you away, somewhere else, where
[p. 109r] perhaps it's worse.