[2326.1] The silence, speak of the silence before going into it, have I
been there already, I don't know, at every instant I am there,
there I am speaking of it, I knew it would come, I emerge from
it to speak of it, I am in it while I speak of it, if it's I
who speak, and it's not, I act as if it were, often I act as
if it were I, but at lenght, 
was I ever there at length, a long
stay, I understand nothing about duration, I can't speak of it,
oh I know I speak of it, I say never and always, I speak of
the four seasons and of the differrents parts of the day and of
the night, the night has no parts, that's because you are
asleep, the seasons must resemble one another, be very similar, perhaps it's
springtime now, that's allw words they taught me, without
making their meaning clear to me, that's how I know learnt how to reason
reason, I used them all, all the words they showed me, there
were lists of them, ah what a the strange glow all of a sudden, they
were on lists, with images opposite, I must have forgotten
them, I must have mixed them up, these nameless images I have,
these imageless names, these windows that I should perhaps
[p. 139r] rather call doors, at least by some other name, and this word
man which is perhaps not the right one for the thing I see when
I hear it, [2326.2] but an instant, an hour, and so on, how can they
be respresented, a life, how could they make that clear to me,
here, in the dark, I call that the dark, perhaps it's azure,
they are blank words, but I use them, they come keep coming, all those they
showed me, all those I remember;, I need them all, to be able to
go on, it's a lie, twenty a score would do, tried and trusty, unforgettable, nicely varied, that would be palette enough, I'd mix
them, I'd vary them, that would be gamut enough, all the things
I'd do if I could, if I wished, if I could wish, no need to wish,
that's how it will end, with in heartrending cries, inarticulate
murmurs, to be incvented, as I go along, improvised, as I fgroan
along, I'll laugh, that's how it will end, in a chuckle, chuck
chuck, ow, ha, pah, I'l;l practise, nyum, hoo, plop, pss, nothing
but emotion, ugh, hey, what else, ooh, bing, bang, that's blows,
uhgh, hey pooh, what else, ooh, aah, that's love, enough, it's tiring,
heehee, that's the Abderite's ribs, of Democritus the Abderite, no, theo other,'s, in the
end, it's the end, the ending end, it's the silence, a few gurgles
on the sielence, the real silence, not the one where I macerate
up to the mouth, up to the ear, that covers me, uncovers me, br
breathes with me, like a cat with a mouse, that of the drowned,
[2326.3] iI've have [⁁] I've drowned, more than once, it wasn't I, I've have choked suffocated, set fire
to me, beaten thumped on my head with wood and stone iron, it wasn't I, there
was no head, no iron, I didn't do anything to me, I didn't do
anything to anyone, no one did anything to me, there is no one,
no wood, I've looked, no one but me, no, not me either, I've
looked everywhere, there must be someone, the voice must bemlong
to someone, that's all right with me, what it wants I want, I
am it, I've said so, it says so, from time to time it says so,
then it says not, that's all right with me, I want it to go
silent, it wants to go silent, it can't, it does for a second,
then it starts again, that's not the reals silence, it says
that's not the real silence, what can be said of the real silence,
I don't know, that I don't know what it is, that there's is no such
thing, that perhaps there is such a thing, yes, that perhaps
[p. 140r] there is, somewhere;, I'll never know. [2327] But when it falters and
when it stops, but it falters every instant, it stops every
instant, yes, but when it stops for a good few moments, a good
few moments, what are a good few moments, [⁁] what then, then there are murmurs, therem must
be murmurs , and listening, someone listening, no need of an era
ear, no need of a mouth, the voice listens, as when it speaks,
listens to its silence, that makes am a murmur, that makes
a voice , a small voice, the same vp voice only small, it sticks
in the throat, there's the throat again, hthere's the mouth again,
it fills the ear, then I vomit, someone vomits, someone starts
to vomit again, that must be how it happens, I have no explanations
to give offer, nor none to demand ask for, the comma will come where I'll drown for
good and all, then the silence, I believe it this evening, still
this evening, dhow it drags on, that's all right with me, perhaps
it's the springtime, violets, no, that's the autumn, there's a
time for everything, for the things that pass, the things that
end, the things that stir, depart, return they could never get
me to understand that, the things that stir, depart, return,
a light changing, they could never get me to see that, and death
into the bargain, a voice dying, that's a good one, silence at
last, not a murmur, no air, no one listening, not for the likes
of me, amen, on we go. [2328.1] Enormous prison, like a hundred thousand
cathedrals, never anything else any more, from this time forth,
and in it, somewhere, perhaps, riveted, minute tiny, the prisoner,
how can he be found, how false this space is, what falseness instantly, to want to draw that round you, to want to put a being
there, a cell would be enough, if I gacve up, if I could only give
up, before beginning, before beginning again, what breathlessness,
that's right, ejaculations, that helps you on, that puts off the
fatal hour, no, it's the other way round reverse, I don't know, start
again, in this immensity, this obscurity, go through them motions
of starting again, you who cannot stir, you who never started,
you the who, go through the motions, what motions, you can't stir,
you mlaunch your voice, it dies away in the vault, it calls that
a vault, perhaps it's the firmament, perhaps it's the abyss, those
are words, it speaks of a prison, that's all right with me, vast
enough for a whomle people, for me alone, or waiting for me, I'll
[p. 141r] go there now, I'll try and go there now, I can't stir, I'm there
already, I must be there already, perhaps I'm not alone, perhaps
a whole people is here, and the voice it's voice, coming to me
fitfully, we would have lived, been free a moment, [2328.2] now we talk
about it, each one to himself;, each one out loud for himself,
and we listen, a whole people, talking and listening, simultaneously, that would ex, no, I'm alone, perhaps the first, or
perhaps the last, talking alone, listening alone, alone alone,
the others are gone, they are as gone, they have been stilled,
their voices stilled, their listening stilled, one by one, at
ecah new [/]coming, another will come, I won't be the last, I'll be
with the others, I'll be as gone, in the silence, it won't be
I, it isn't I, I'm not there yet, I'll go there now, I'll try
and go there now, no sense in trying, I wait for my turn, my
turn to go there, my turn to talk there, my turn to listen there,
my turn to wait there for my turn to go, to be as gone, it's
long and tedious interminable, it will be long and tedious interminable, gone where, where
do you go from there, you must go somewhere elsewhere somewhere else, and wait
elsewhere somewhere else, for your turn to go again, and so on, on, on, a whole
people, or I alone, and come back, and begin again, no, go on,
go on again, [2328.3] it's a circuit, a long circuit, I know it well, I
must know it well, it's a lie, I can't stir, I haven't stirred,
I launch the voice, I hear a voice, there is nowhere but here,
there are not two places, there are not two prisons, it's my
parlour, it's a parlour, where I wait for nothing, I don't know
where it is, I don't know what it's like, that's no business of
mine, I don't know if it's big, or if it's small, or oif it's
closed, or if it's open, [2328.4] that's right, reiterate, that helps you
on, open on what, there is nothing else, only it, open on the
void, open on the nothing, that's all right with me, those are
words, open on the silence, looking out on the silence, straight
out, why not, all this time, in the midst of silence on the
brink of silence, I knew it, on a rock, lashed to a rock, in
the midst of silence, its great swell rears towards me, I'm
streaming with it, it's an image, those are words, it's a body,
it's not I, I knew it wouldn't be I, I'm not outside, I'm in
[p. 142r]side, in something, I'm shut up, the silence is outside, outside, inside, there is nothing but here, and the silence outside,
nothing but the voice this voice, and the silence all round, no
need of walls, yes, we must have walls, I need walls, good and
thick, I need a prison, I was right, for me alone, I'll go there
now, I'll put me in it, I'm there already, I'll start seeking looking for
me now, I'm there somewhere, it won't be I, that doesn't matter,
I'll say it's I, perhaps it will be I, perhaps that is what they
are waiting for, there they are again, to give me quittance,
waiting for me to say I am someone, to say I am somewhere, to
put me out, into the silence. [2329.1] I see nothing, it's because there
is nothing, or it's because I have no eyes, or both, that makes
three possibilities, pick your fancy, to choose from, but do I
really see nothing, it's not the moment to lie, but how can you
not lie, what an idea, a voice like this, who can check it, it
tries everything, it is it's blind, it seeks me [⁁] blindly, in the dark, it seeks
a mouth, to enter into, who can query it, there is no other,
you'd need a head, you'd need things, I don't know, I seem look too often
much to know as if I knew, [2329.2] it's the voice does that, it goes all knowing,
to make me think I know, to make me think it's mine, it has not
no interest in eyes, it says I have none, or that they are no
use to me, then it speaks of tears, then it speaks of gleams,
it is truly at a loss, gleams, yes, afar, or near, distances, you
know, measurements, enough said, gleams, as at dawn, and then fad
dying, as at evening, or flaring up, or flaring up, they do that
sometimes, blaze up more dazzling than snow, for a second, that's
brief, then fizzle out, that's true enough, if you like, one
forgets, I forget, I say I see nothing, or I say it's all in
my head, as if I felt a head on me, that's all hypotheses, lies,
these gleams too, they were to save me, they were to devour me,
that came to nothing, I see nothing, either because of this or
else because of that on account of that, and these images at which
they watered me, like a camel, before the desert, I don't know,
more lies, just for the fun of it, fun, what fun we've had, what
fun of it, lies, that's soon said, you must say soon, it's the
[p. 143r] regulation. [2330.1] The place, I'll make it neverthless , I'll make it
in my head, I'll draw it out of my memory, I'll draw it all about
me, I'll make myself a head, I'll make myself a memory, I have
only to listen , the voice will tell me everything, it will
tell it to me again, everything I need, in fits and starts,
breathless, it's like a confession, a last confession, you
think it's finished, then it starts off again, there were so many
sins, the memory is so bad, the words don't come, the words fail,
the breath fails, no, it's something else, it's an indictment,
a dtying voice accusing, accusing me, you must accuse someone,
a culprit is indispensable, it speaks of my misdeeds sins, it speaks
of my head, it says it's mine, it says that that I repent, that I
want to be punished, better than I am, that I want to go, give
myself up, a victim is indispensable, I have only to listen, it
will show me my hiding-place, it will show it to me, what it's
like, where the door is, if there is a door, and whereabouts I
am in it, and what lies between us, what kind of country how
the land lies, what kind of country, whether it's sea, or whether
it's mountain, and the path to way to take, so that I may go,
make my [⁁] escape, give myself up, come to the place where the axe falls,
without further ceremony, on all those who come from here, [2330.2] I'm
not the first, I won't be the first, it will best me in the end,
it has bested better than me, it will tell me what I have to do,
in order to rise, move, act like a body endowed with despair,
that's how I reason, that's how I hear myself reasoning, all lies,
it's not me they are calling, it's not me they are talking about,
it's not yet my turn, it's someone else's turn, that's why I
can't stir, that's why I don't feel a body on me, I'm not suffering enough yet, it's not yet my turn, not enough to be able to
stir, to have a body, complete with head, to be able to understand, to have eyes to light the way, I merely hear, without
understanding, without being able to take advantage of what I profit by it, by what I hear, to
hear do what, to rise and go and be done with hearing, I don't hear everything, that must be it, the ilmportant things escape me, it's not
my turn, the topographical and anatomical information in particular does not reach are lost on me, [2330.3] no, I hear everything, what difference
[p. 144r] does it make, as long as the moment it's not my turn, my turn to understand,
my turn to live, my turn of the lifescrew, it calls that living,
the space of the way from here to the door, it's all there, in
what I hear, somewhere, if all has been said, all this long time, all
must have been said, but it's not my turn to know what, to know
what I am, where I am, and what I should do to stop being it,
to stop being there, that's coherent, so as to be another, no,
the same, I don't know, depart into life, travel the road, find
the door, find the axe, perhaps it's a cord, for the neck, for
the throat, for the cords, or finhgers, I'll have eyes, I'll see
fingers, it will be the silence, perhaps it's a drop, find the
door, open the door, drop, into the silence, it won't be it I, I'll
stay here, or there, more likely there, it will be never be iI,
[2330.4] it's all been done already, said and said again, the departure,
the body that rises, the way, in colour, the arrival, the door
that opens, closes again, it was never I, I've never stirred, I've
listened, I must have spoken, why deny it, why not admit it, after all I
deny nothing, I admit nothing, I say what I hear, I hear what I
say, I don't know, one or the other, or both, that makes three
possibilities, pick your fancy, all these stories about travellers,
these stories about paralytics, all are mine, I must be extremely
old, or it's memory playing tricks, if only I knew if I've lived,
if I live, if I'll live, that would simplify everything, impossible
to know, that's where you're buggered, I haven't stirred, that's
all I know, no, I know vsomething else, it isn't I, I always forget
that, [2330.5] I resume, you must resume, never stirred from here, never
stopped telling myself stories, hardly hearing them, hearing
something else, listening for somehthing else, wondering now and
then where I got them from, was in I in the land of the living,
were they in mine, and where, where do I keep them, in my head,
I don't feel a head on me, and what do I tell them with, with my
mouth, same remark, and what do I hear them with, and so on, the
old rigmarole, it can't be I, or it's because I don't pay attent- pay no heed,
ion, it's such an old habit, I do it without minding heeding what I'm
doing, or as if I were elsewhere somewhere else, there I am afar again, there I
[p. 145r] am the absentee, it's his turn now, he who neither speaks nor
listens, who has neither body nor soul, it's something else he has,
he must have something, he must be somewhere, he is made of silence, there's a pretty analysis, he's in the silence, he is
the one to be sought, the one to be, the one to be spoken of, the one to speak,
but he can't speak, then I could stop, I'd be he, I'd be the
silence, I'd be in the silence, we'd be reunited, his story the
story to be told, [2330.6] but he has no story, he hasn't been in story,
it's not certain, he's in his own story, unimaginable, unspeakable, that doesn't matter, the attempt must nbe made, in the old
stories incomprehensibly mine, to find his, it must be there, it
must have been mine, before being his, I'll recognize it, in
the end I'll recognize it, the story of the silence that he
never left, that I should never have left, that I may never find
again, that I may find again, then it will be he, it will be I,
it will be the place, the silence, the end, the beginning, the
beginning again, how can I say it, that's all words, I've nothing they're all I have
else, and not much of that many of them,, the words fail, the voice fails, so
be it, I know that well, I must know that well, it will be the
silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the usual silence,
spent listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries
abate, like all cries, that is to say they stop, the murmurs
cease, they give up, the voice begins again, it begins to try
again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left,
nothing left by but the kernel core of murmurs, distant cries, quick now
and try again, with the words that remain, [2330.7] try what, I don't know,
I've forgotten, it doesn't matter, I never knew, to have them
carry me into my story, the words that remain, my old story,
that I've forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through
the door, into the silence, that must be it, it's too late,
perhaps it's too late, perhaps they have, how would I know, I'll
never know, in the silence you don't know, perhaps it's the
door, perhaps I'm at the door, that would surprise me, perhaps
it is I, somewhere or other it has been I, I can depart, all
this time I've journeyed, without knowing it, it's I now at the
door, what door, what's a door doing here, it's the last words,
[p. 146r] the true last, or it's the murmurs, the murmurs are coming,
I know that well, no, not even that, you talk of murmurs, distant
cries, as long as you can talk, you talk of them before and you
talk of them after, more lies, it will be the silence, the one
that doesn't last, spent listening, spent waiting, for it to be
broken, for the voice to break it, perhaps there's no other, I
don't know, Iit's not worth having, that's all I know, it's not
I, that's all I know, it's not mine, it's the only one I ever
had, that's a lie, I must have had the other, the one that lasts,
but it didn't last, I don't understand, that is to say it did,
it still lasts, I'm still in it, I left myself behind there,
I'm waiting for me there, [2330.8] no, there you don't wait, you don't
listen, I don't know, it's a dream, perhaps it's a dream, that
would surprise me, I'll wake, in the silence, and never sleep
again, it will be I, or dream, dream again, dream of a silence,
a dream silence, full of mutrmurs, I don't know, that's all words,
never wake, all words, there's nothing else, you must go on,
that's all I know, they're going to stop, I know that well, I
can feel it, when they're going to abandon me, it will be the
silence, for a moment, a good few moments, or it will be mine,
the lasting one, that didn't last, that still lasts, it will be
I, you must go on, I can't go on, you must go on, I'll go on,
you must say words, as long as they remain there are any, I must say words,
until they find me, until they say me, strange pain, strange sin,
you must go on, perhaps it's done already, perhaps they have
said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold
of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would
surprise me, if it opens, it will be I, it will be the silence,
where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you
don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.