MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

[p. 49v]
DOODLE 91 DOODLE 92 DOODLE 93

[2329] [p. 50r] that's brief, and then go out, that's true enough, if you like, one forgets, I forget, I say I see nothing, or I say it's all in my head, as if I felt a head on me, that's all hypotheses, lies, these gleams too, they were to save me, they were to devour me, that produced nothing, I see nothing, either because of this, or else because of that, and these images where at which they watered me, like a camel, before the desert, I don't know, more lies, just for fun, fun, what fun we've had, lies, that's soon said, you must say soon, it's the regulation. [2330.1] The place, I'll make it nevertheless, I'll make in my head, I'll draw it out of my memory, I'll draw it towar to me, I'll a make myself a head, I'll make myself a memory, I have only to listen, the voice will tell me everything, tell me it will tell it to me again, all I need, in fits and starts, breathless, it's like a confession, a last confession, you think it's finished, then it starts off again, there were so many fau sins fau sins, the memory is so bad, the words don't come, the words fail, the breath fails, no, it's something else, it's an indictment, a morib a dying voice accusing, accusing me, you must accuse someone, you must find someone, a culprit is indispensable, it speaks of my misdeeds, it speaks of my head, it says it is mine, it says I repent, that I repent, that I wish ^want to be punished, better than I am being, that I want to go, give myself up, a victim is indispensable, I have only to listen, it will show me my hiding-place, it will show it to me, what it's like, where the door is, if there is a door, and where I am whereabouts I am in it, and what it's like outside, what kind of country, whether it's sea, or whether it's mountain, and the path to follow, so that I can go, escape, give myself up, come to the place where the axe falls without further ceremony, on all those who come from here, [2330.2] I'm not the first, I won't be the first, it will work its will on me in the end, it has worked its will on others, she will tell me what I have to do in order to rise, to

[p. 50v]
DOODLE 94

[p. 51r] move, to xx act like a body endowed with despair, that's how I reason, how I hear myself reasoning, that's all lies, it's not me they're calling, it's not me they're talking about, it's not yet my turn, it's someone else's turn, that's why I can't stir, that's why I don't feel a body on me, I'm not suffering enough yet, it's not yet my turn, not enough to be able to stir, to have a body, with a head, to understand with complete with head, to be able to understand, to have eyes to light my w the way, I merely hear, without understanding, without being able to take advantage of wha benefit by what I hear to take advantage of what I hear to go, and be done with hearing, I don't hear all ^everything, that must be it, the important things escape me, it's not my turn, the the topographical and anatomical indications in particular do not reach me, [2330.3] no, I hear everything, I must have heard everything, what difference does it make, as long as it's not my turn, my turn to understand, my turn to live, my life sentence, it calls that life, the space of the way from here to the door, it's all there, in what I hear, somewhere, if all has been said, all this time, all must have been said, but it's not my turn to know what, to know x who I am, where I am, and what I should do xxx stop being to stop being it, to stop being there, that's reasonable enough, so as to be another, no, the same, I don't know, depart into life, travel the road, find the door, find the axe, perhaps it's a cord, for the neck, for the throat, for the cords, or fingers, I'll have eyes, I'll see fingers, it' it will be the silence, perhaps it's a drop, find the door, open the door, drop, into the silence, it won't be I, I'll stay here, or there, more likely there, it will never be I, [2330.4] x that's all been done already, said and said x again, the departure, the body that rises, the way, in in colour, the arrival, the door that opens, closes again, it was never I, I've never stirred, I've listened, I must have spoken, why deny it, why not

[p. 51v]
DOODLE 95

[p. 52r] admit it, after all, I deny nothing, I admit nothing, I say what I hear, I hear what I say, I don't know, one or the other, or both, that makes three possibilities, take y pick your fancy, all these stories about travellers, these stories about paralytics, all are mine, I must be extremely old, or it's memory playing tricks, if only I knew if I l I've lived, if I live, if I'll live, that would simplify everything, impossible to know, that's where you're buggered, I haven't stirred, that's all I know, no, I know something else, it isn't I, I always forget that, [2330.5] I resume, you must resume, not ^never stirred from here, never stopped telling myself stories, hardly hearing them, hearing something else, listening for something else, wondering now and then where I xx got them, was I in the land of the living, were they in mine, and where, where do I keep them, in my head, I don't feel a head on me, and what do I tell them with, with my mouth, same remark, and what do I hear them with, and so on, the usual rigmarole, it can't be I, or it's because I let my attent I don't pay attention, it's such an old habit, I do it without minding what I'm doing, or as if I were elsewhere, that there I am afar again, there I am the absentee, it's his turn now, he who neither speaks nor listens, who has neither body nor spirit soul, it's something else he has, he must have something, he must be somewhere, he is made of silence, there's a pretty analysis, he's in the silence, he is the one to be sought, he is the one to be, he the one to speak of, but he cannot speak, then I could stop, I'd be he, I'd be the silence, I'd be in the silence, we'd be united reunited, his story the story to be told, [2330.6] but he has no story, he hasn't been in story, it's not certain, he's in his own story, uni unimaginable, unspeakable, that doesn't matter, the attempt must be made, in my ^the old stories x incomprehensibly mine, to find his, it must be there, it must have been, before being his, I'll recognize it, in the end I'll recognize it, the story of the silence ^that he never left, that I should never have left, that I may never find again, that I may

[p. 52v]

[p. 53r] find again, then it will be he, it will be I, it will be the place, the silence, the end, the beginning, the beginning again, how can I say it, that's all words, I've nothing else, and not much of that, the words fail, the voice falters, so be it, I know that well, I must know that well, it will be the silence, full of murmurs, distant cries, the customary silence, spent listening, spent waiting, waiting for the voice, the cries abate, like all cries, that is to say they stop, the murmurs cease, they give up, the voice begins resumes begins again, it begins to try again, quick now before there is none left, no voice left, nothing left but the kernel of murmurs, distant cries, quick now and try again, with the words that remain, [2330.7] try what, I've forgotten I don't know, I've forgotten, that doesn't matter, I never knew, to have them carry me into my story, the words that remain, my old story, that I've forgotten, far from here, through the noise, through the door, into the silence, that must be it, it's too late, perhaps it's too late, perhaps they have, how would I know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, perhaps it's the door, perhaps I'm before the at the door, that would surprise me, perhaps it is I, it has been I, somewhere or other, I can depart, all this time I've journeyed, without knowing it, it's I now at the door, what door, it's I now, no other what's a door doing here, it's the last words, the true last, or it's the murmurs, it's going to be the murmurs, I know that well, xxx that well, no, not even that, you talk of murmurs, distant cries, as long as you can talk, you talk of them before and you talk of them after, more lies, it will be the silence, the one that doesn't last, spent listening, spent waiting, for it to be broken, for the voice to break it, perhaps there's no other, I don't know, it's not worth having, that's all I know, it's not I, that's all I know, it's not mine, it's the only one I ever had, that's a lie, I must have had the other, the one

[p. 53v]

[p. 54r] that lasts, but it didn't last, I don't understand, that is to say it did, it still lasts, I'm still in it, I left myself behind in it there, I'm waiting for me there, [2330.8] no, there you don't wait, you don't listen, I don't know, it's a dream, perhaps it's a dream, that would surprise me, I'll wake, in the silence, and go to sleep never go to sleep again, it will be I, or dream again, dream of a silence, a dream silence, full of murmurs, I don't know, that's all words, never wake, xx all words, there's nothing else, I ^you must go on, that's all I know, they a they're going to stop, I know that feeling, when they are going to abandon me, it will be the silence, for a moment, a good few moments, or it will be mine, the one that lasts, that didn't last, that still lasts, it will be I, you must go on, I can't go on, you must go on, I'll go on, you must say words, as long as there are any, I must say them, until they find me, until they say me, strange pain, strange sin, you must go on, perhaps it's done already, perhaps they have said me already, perhaps they have carried me to the threshold of my story, before the door that opens on my story, that would surprise me, if it opens, it will be me, it will be the silence, in the place where I am, I don't know, I'll never know, in the silence you don't know, you must go on, I can't go on, I'll go on.

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23.2.1958
Ussy

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This is the original MS of my translation of L'Innommable For my friend Jake Schwartz, with my best wishes. Samuel Beckett March 1958