MS-TCD-4662

[0651] I shall say, I can hear myself
saying it, Item, a little packet,
soft, and light as a feather, tied
up in newspaper. [0652] It will be my little
mystery, my very own. [0653] Perhaps it is
a lack of rupees. [0654] Or a lock of hair.

[0655] I told myself
too that I must make better speed.
[0656] True lives do not tolerate this excess
of circumstance. [0657] It is there the demon
lurks, like the gonococcus in the folds of the
prostate. [0658] I am in a hurry.

[0659] It is thence
that one fine day, when all nature
smiles and shines, that the rack looses
its black unforgettable cohorts and
sweeps away the blue for ever. [0660] My
situation is truly delicate.

[0661] What fine things, what
momentous things, I am going to miss
through fear, fear of relapsing into the
old error, fear of not finishing in time,
fear of revelling, for the last time, in
a last outpouring of misery,
impotence and hate.

[0662] The forms are
many in which the changeless seeks relief for
its formlessness. [0663] Ah yes, I was always subject
to the deep thought, especially early in
the year. [0664] That one had been nagging
at me for the past five
minutes.

[0665] I venture to hope there
will be no more, of that depth. [0666] After all
it is not important to
finish. [0667] There are worse things than
velleities. [0668] But is that the point? [0669] Probably.

[0670] All I ask is that the last of mine, as long as
it lasts, should have living for its theme,
I must have changed my mind. [0671] That is all I mean, [0672] I know what I
mean. [0673] If it begins to run short of life,
I shall feel it. [0674] All I ask is to know, after
I abandon him whose life has just begun so