MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[1623] long.[1624] Don't tell me after that I had no predispositions for
^{man's estate}.[1625] What a weary road since that first mis-
fortune,[1626] what nerves torn alive from the heart of insentience,
with the appertaining terror and the cerebellum on fire.[1627] ^{It took
him a long time to adapt} himself to this excoriation.[1628] To realize
^pooh it's nothing.[1629] A trifle.[1630] The common lot.[1631] A joke.

[1632] That will not last for ever.[1633] made the most of while it ^{For me to gather while I may.}
[1634] They mentioned roses.[1635] I'll ^{smell them before I'm finished.}
[1636] T^hen they'll put the accent on the th^orns.[1637] What prodigious
variety.[1638] The thorns they'll have to come and stick into me, as
into their unfortunate Jesus.[1639] No, I need nobody, they'll start
srpouting under my arse, unaided, some day I fe^el myself soaring
above my condition.

[1640] A billybowl of thorns and the air
^{perfume laden}.[1641] But not so fast.[1642] I still leave much to be desired,
I have no technique, none.[1643] For example, in case you don't believe
me, I don't yet know how to move, either locally, in relation
to myself, or bodily, in relation to the shit.[1644] I don't know how
to want to, I want to in vain.[1645] What doesn't come ^{to me} from me has
come to the wrong address.

[1646] Similarly my understanding is not
yet sufficiently well oiled to function without the pressure of
some critical circumstance, such as a vio^lent pain felt for the
first time.[1647] Some nice point in semantics, for example, of a
nature to accelerate the march of the hours, could n^ot retain
my attention.[1648] For others the time-abolishing joys of impersonal
and disinterested speculation.

[1649] I only think, if that is the
name for this verti^ginous panic as of hornets smoked out
of their nest, once a certain degree of terror has been exceeded.
[1650] Does this mean that I am less exposed to it, by the grace of inure-
ment?[1651] To think so would be to underestimate the extent of the
repertory in which I am plunged and which, it appears, is nothing
compared to what is waiting for me at the conclusion of the
novitiate.

[1652] These lights gleaming low afar, then rearⁱng up in
a blaze and sweeping down upon me, blinding, to devour me, are
merely one example.[1653] My familiarity with them avails me nothing,
they ^invariably give me to reflect.Each time up to now at the

[1654] Each time up to now at the