[2195.1] Well I prefer that, I must say I
prefer that, that what, oh you know, who you, oh I suppose the audience
well well, so there's an audience, it's a public show, you buy
your seat and you wait, perhaps it's free, a freeshow free show,
you take your seat and wait for it to begin, or perhaps it's
compulsory, a compulsory show, you wait for the compulsory show
to begin,it takes some time, you hear a voiece, perhaps it's a
recitation, that's the show, someone reciting, selected passages,
old favourites, a poetry matinée, or someone improvising, you
can barely hear him, that's the show, [2195.2] you can't leave, you're
afraid to leave, it might be even worse elsewhere, you pull make
yourself together, the best of it, you reason with yourself, try and be reasonable, you came too early, here we'd need latin,
it's only beginning, it hasn't begun, he's only preluding,
clearing his throat, alone in his dressing-room, he'll appear
in a moment, he'll begin in a moment, or it's the statge-manager,
giving his instructions, his last recommendations, before the
curtain rises, that's the show, waiting for the show, to the sound
of miumu a murmur, you pull yourself together reason with yourself try and be reasonable, perhaps it's not a
voice at all, perhaps it's the air, ascending, descending,
flowing, eddying, seeking an exit, finding none, [2195.3] and the
spectators, where are they, you don't didn't noticed, in the clutch anguish
of waiting, never noticed you were waiting alone, that's the show, waiting
alone, in the restless air, for it to begin, for something
to begin, for there to be something aelse but you, for the power
to go, the courage to leave, you pull yourself together, reason with your try & be reasonable, perhaps you are blind, probably you are deaf, the show is over,
all is over, but where then is the hand, the and of friendship, helping hand
or merely of charity charitable, or the hired hand, it's a long time
colming, to take yours and draw you waway, 
that's the show, free, gratis and for nothing, waiting
alone, blind and deaf, you don't know where,
you don't know for what, for a hand to come,
and draw you away, somewhere else, where
[p. 109r] perhaps it's worse. [2196] So much for the you, that's the you off
our mind. [2197] And now for the it, which I prefer it that, which I must
say I prefer [⁁] that, what a memory, real fly-paper, I don't know,
I don't prefer it [⁁] any more, that's all I know, so why bother about
it, a thing you don't prefer, imagine just think of that, bothering about
that, not on your life likely, perish the thought, one must wait, discover a preference,
within one's bosom, then it will be time enough to institute
an inquiry. [2198.1] Moreover, that's right, connect link, connect link, you never
know, moreover their attitude towards me has not changed, I am
deceived, they are deceived, they have deceived me, they have
tried to deceive me, saying that their attitude towards me
had changed, but they haven't deceived me, iI didn't understand
what they were trying to do, I didn't understand what they
were trying to do to me, I say what I'm told to say, that's
all there is to it, perhaps more than there is, and yet I wonder, I don't know,
I don't feel a mouth on me, I don't feel the jostle of words jostling
in my mouth, and when you say a poem you like, if you like
poetry, in the tube underground, or in bed, for yourself, the words are
there, somewhere, without the least sound, I don't feel that
either, words falling, you don't know not where, you don't know not whence,
drops of silence through the silence, I don't feel it, I don't
feel a mouth on me, nor a head, do I feel an ear, frankly
now, do I feel an ear, well frankly I don't, so much the worse,
I don't feel an ear either, [2198.2] this is awful, make an effort,
I must feel something, yes, I feel something, they say I
feel something, I don't know what it is, I don't know what I
feel, xtell me what I feel and I'll tell you who I am, they'll tell
me who I am, I won't understand, but the thing will be said,
they will have said who I am, and I'll have heard, without an
ear I'll have heard, and I'll have said it, without a mouth
I'll have said it, I'll have heard it inside me, then in the
same breath outside me, perhaps that's what I feel, that
there's an outside and an inside and I me in the middle, perhaps
that's what I am, the thing that deivides the world in two,
[p. 110r] on the one side the outside, on the other the inside, that can
be as thin as foil, I'm neither one side nor the other, I'm, I'm
in the middle, I'm in the ^partition, I've two surfaces and no
thickness, pehrpaaps that's what I feel, I feel myself vibrating,
I'm the tympanum, on the one side the skull mind, on the other the
world, I don't belong to either, it's not to me they're talking,
it's not of me they're talking, [2198.3] no, that's not it, I feel nothing
of all that, try something else, herd of swine shites, say something
else, for me to hear, I don't know [⁁] how, for me to repeat, I don't
know how, what clowns they are, to keep on saying the same thing
when they know it's not the right one, no, they know nothing,
either, they forget, they think they change and they never change,
they'll be there saying the same thing till they die, then perhaps
a little silence, to give till the next gang time to arrives on the
site, I alone am immortal, what can you expect, I can't get born,
perhaps that's their scheme big idea, to keep on saying the same thing,
generation after generation, till I lose my temper go mad and begin to
sctdream, then they'll say, He's mewled, he's bound to he'll rattle, it's
mathematical, let's get out to hell out of ehere, there's not
point in assisting at waiting for that, oththers need us, for him it's over,
his troubles will be over, he's saved, we've saved him, they're
all the same, they all let themselves be saved, they all let
themselves be born, he was a tough nut, he'll have a brilliant great time, grand time,
a great career, in fury and remorse, he'll never forgive himself, and so
depart, thus communing, in Indian file, or two by two, along the
seashore, now it's a seashore, on the pebbles shingle, on along the sands,
in the evening air, it's evening, that's all is known, evening,
shadows, somewhere, anywhere, on the earth. [2199] My temper Go mad, yes, but
there it is, I'll never lose it what wd. I go mad with, and evening isn't sure either,
it needn't be evening, dawn too bestows long shadows, on all
that is still standing, that's all that matters, only the shadows
matter, with no life of their own, no shape and no respite,
perhaps it's dawn, evening of night, it doesn't matter much,
and so depart, towards my brethren, no, none of that, no brethren,DOODLE 17
[p. 111r] that's right, retract, they don't know, they depart, not knowing
where whither, towards the[⁁]ir master, it's possible, please to observe make a note of that, it's
possible, to sue for their freedom, for them it's the end, for
me the beginning, the end begins, they stop to listen to my
screams, they'll never stop again, yes they'll stop, my screams
will stop, from time to time, I'll stop secreaming, to mlisten and
hear if anyone is answering, to look and see if anyone is coming,
then go, close my eyes and go, screaming, and to scream elsewhere. [2200] Yes,
my mouth, but there it is, I won't open it, I have no mouth, and
what about it, I'll grow one, a little hole at first, then wider
and wider, deeper and deeper, the air will gusgh into me, and out
a second later, howling. [2201] But is it nyot rzather too much to ask,
really erather too much, to ask so much, to of so little, isn't is it
really expedient politic? [2202] And would it not suffice, without any change
in the structure of the thing as it now stands, as it always
stood, without a mouth being dug at the place which even pain
could never line, would it not suffice to, to what, the thread
is lost, no matter, here's another, would not a little stir
suffice, some tiny subsidence or upheaval, that would start things
off, the whole fabric would be infected, that would start the ball
would start[⁁] a-rolling, the disturbance would spread to every part, locomotion
itself would soon appear, trips properly so called, business trips,
pleasure trips, research expeditions, sabbatical leaves, jaunts and rambles, honeymoons at home and abroad and long sad solitary tramps [⁁] in the rain, I indicate the main
trends, sports athletics, sleepless nights tossing in bed all night,, muscular exercises, locomotor
ataxy, convulsions, rigor mortis, revelation dismantlement emergal of the bony structure,
that should suffice. [2203] Unfortunately it's a question of words, one
voices, one must not forget that, one must try and not forget that
completely, a statement to be made, by them, by me, some
slight obscurity here, it might sometimes almost be wondered
if all their bollocks balls ballocks about life and death is not as alien to foreign to their nature
them as it is to me mine. [2204] The fact is they no longer know where they are they've got to,
in their affair, where I am I've got to, I never knew, I'm where I always
was, wherever that is, and the affair, I don't know what is
meant by that, some process no doubt, where I am wedged caught fast, or
in which I'm stuck in,
[p. 112r] which I or haven't yet come to, I'm, I'm I've got nowhere at all, in their
affair, that's what provokes galls them, they want me there somewhere,
anywhere, if only they'd stop committing reason, on them, on me,
on the purpose to be achieved object in view, [Stet] and simply go on, with no illusion
about having begun one day or of ever being able to conclude,
but it's too diffi difficult, too difficult, for one devoid bereft of
of purpose, [Stet] not to look forxward to his end, devoid of and devoid bereft
of all reason to exist, back to a time he did not. [2205] Difficult too
not to forget, in your thirst for something to do, in order to
be done with it, and have that much less to do, that there is
nothing to be done, nothing special to be done, nothing doable
to be done.
[2206.1] No point either, in your thirst, your hunger, no,
no need of hunger, thirst is enough, in your thirst, no point
in telling yourself stories, to pass the time, stories don't
pass the time, nothing passes the time, that doesn't matter,
that's the way it is, you tell yourself stories, then any old
thing, saying, No more stories forom now on, whereas it's stories
still, or rather there were never any stories, it was always
any old thing, for as long as you can remember, no, a little
longer than that, you don't remember anything nothing, always any old
thing, always the same old thing, to pass the time, [2206.2] and then
as time didn't pass, for no reason at all, in your thirst, trying
to stop, unable to stop, searching for seeking ["seeking" throughout?] the cause, the cause of
this need to talk, of this inabiluity to stop, finding the cause,
losing it again, finding it againn, not finding it again, search seeking
ing no longer, searching seeking again, finding again, losing again,
searching seeking no more, searching seeking again, finding nothing, finding at
last, losing again, talking without stopping, as thirsty as thirstier than ever,
srearching seeking as usual, losing as usual, talking blathering away, searching seeking again
again, wondering for what, what it's all about, searching for seeking
what it can be you are searching for seeking, exclaiming, Ah yes, sighing
No no, crying, Enough, ejaculating, Not yet, searching seeking anew,
losing your head, searching for seeking your head, talkigng incessantly,
any old thing, searching seeking once more, for any old thing, thirsting
away you don't know for what
[p. 113r] away, you don't know for what, ah yes, [⁁] for something to do, no no,
nothing more to be done, since when, the beginning of time,
[2206.3] and now enough of that, unless perhaps, thayt's an idea, let's search seek
over there, one last effort, search for seek what, pertinent objection,
let us try and discover, before we search seek, what it can be, before
we search seek over there, over where, talking unceasingly, searching seeking
inceassantly , in yourself, outside yourself, searching seeking no longer
losing your head, cursing God, stopping cursing, unable to past bearing
any more it, going on bearing it, searching seeking indefatigably, in the world
of nature, the world of man, not know where, where is nature,
where is man, what are you searching for are seeking, who is searching seeking,
searching for seeking who you are, supreme aberration, where you are,
what you're doing, what you'bve done to them, what they've done
to you, [2206.4] taloking fluently babbling along, where are the others, who is taling
talking, not I, where am I, where is it the place where I've always been,
where are the others, it is they are talking, talking to me,
talking of me, I'm I hear them, I'm dumb speechless, what do they want,
what have I done to them, what have I done to God, what have they
done to God, what has God done to us, nothing, and we've done
nothing to him, you can't do anything to him, he can't do anything to us, we're innocent, he's innocent, it's nobody's fault,
what's nobody's fault, this state of affairs, what state of
affairs, so it is, so be it, don't fret, so it will be, how so,
talking excitably rattling on, parched with dying of thirst, losing your head, searching seeking
dtereminedly , searching seeking no longer, searching seeking again, what do it is they they
want, they want me to be, this, that, they want me to howl, stir,
emerge from here, be born, die, listen, I'm listening, [2206.5] Iit's not
enough, I must understand, I'm doing my best, I can't undefrstand,
I stop doing my best, I can't do my best, I've had enough, poor
darling so have they
[p. 114r] devil, so have they, let them tell me what they want, give me
spomething to do, within my power something doable to do, poor devils, they can't,
they don't know, they're like me;, more and more, no more need of
them, no more need of any one, no one can do anything, it's I am
talking, thirsting, starving, in the ice and in the furnace, you
feel nothing, strange, you don't feel a mouth on you, you don't
feel your mouth any more, no need of a mouth, the words are everywhere, within me, outside me, well well, listen to that,, a minute
ago I had no thickness, I hear them, no need to hear them, no need
of a head, impossible to stop them, impossible to stop, I'm in
words, made of words, others' words, what others, the place too,
the air, the walls, the floor, the ceiling, words, the whole
universe is ghere,with me, I'm the air, the walls, the walled-in
one, everything yields, opens, ebbs, flows, like flakes, I'm all these
flaskes flakes, meeting, mingling, falling asunder, wherevr I go,
wherever I go I find myself me, leave myself me, go towards [/]me, come from
me, nothing ever but me, a particle of me, retrieved, lost, gone
astray, [2206.6] words, I am all these words, all these strangers, this
dust of words, with no ground for their setting, so sky for their
dispersing, coming together to say, fleeing one another to say,
that I am they, all of them, those that merge, those that part,
those strangers never meet, and nothing else, yes, something else, that
I'm something quite different, a quite different thing, a dumb
thing in an empty place, a hard shut dry cold black place, where
nothing stirs, nothing speaks, and that I listen, adnd that I seek,
like a caged beast born of caged beasts born of caged beatsts
borns of caged beasts born of caged beasts born in a cage and dead
in a cage, a caged beast born of caged beatsts born and dead in
a cage, born and then dead, born in a cage and then dead in a
cage, in a word like a beast, in one of their words, like such
a beast, and that I seek, like such a beast, with my feeble
strength, such a beast, with nothing left of its species but
fear and fury, no, the fury is past, nothing but fear, nothing
left of all its due but fear, centupled, fear of its shadow, [2206.7] no,
blind from birth, of sound then, if you like, we'll have that,
[p. 115r] one must have something, its a pity, but there it is, fear of soun
sound, fear of sounds, the sounds of beasts, the sounds of men,
sounds in the daytime and sounds at night, that's sufficient,
fear of sounds, all sounds, more or less, more or less fear,
all sounds, there's only one, one sound, continuous, day and
night, what is it, it's steps coming and going, it's voices
speaking for a moment, , it's bodies making their way, its it's
the air, it's things, it'sthe it's the air among things, that's
sufficient, that I seek, like it, no, like me not like it, like
me, in my own way, what am I saying, after my fashion, that I
seek, what do I seek now, what it is, it must be that, it can
only be that, what it is, what it can be, what what can be, what
I seek, no, what I hear, now it comes back to me, all back to me,
I seek, I hear them say I seek what it is I hear, [2206.8] now it comes
back to me, what it can possibly be, and where it can possibly com
come from, to me, since all is silent here, and the walls thick,
and how I mabnage, without feeling an ear on me, or a head, or
a body, or a soul, how I manage, to do what, why nothing obviously,
how I manage, it's not clear, dear dear, you say it's not clear, something
is lacking wanting to make it clear, I'll seek, what is lacking wanting, to make
everything clear, I'm always seeking something, it's wearisome
in the end, and it's only the beginning, how I manage, under such
conditions, to do what I'm doing, what am I doing, I must find
out what I'm doing, tell me what you're doing, and I'll ask how it's
is possible, [2206.9] I hear, you say I hear, adnd that I seek, it's a
lie, I seek nothing, nothing any more, no matter, let's leave it,
no harking, and that I seek, now they are listen to them refreshing jogging my memory,
and that I seek, firstly, what it is, secondly, where it comes
from, and thirdly, how I manage, that's it, now we've got [⁁] it, how
I manage, to do it, seeing that this, considering that that,
inasmuch as God knows what, that's clear enough now, how I manage, to hear, and how I manage, to
understand, it's a lie, what would I understand with, that's why
I'm asking, how I manage, to understand, oh not the half, not
the hudreth hundredth, nor the five thousandth, let us go on
dividing by fifty, nor the quarter millionth, that's sufficient,
[p. 116r] but a little nevertheless, it's essential, it's preferable, it's
a pity, but there it is, just a little all the same, the least
possible, it's appreciable, it's sufficient, the rough meaning
of one expression in at a thousand, in ten thousand, let us go
on multiplying by ten, nothing is more restful than arithmetic,
in a hundred thousand, in a million, it's too much, too little, we've
gone wrong somewhere, no matter, there is no great difference
here between one expression and the next, when you grasp one you g
grasp them all, I am not in that fortunate position, all, how you
exaggerate go ov, always for the whole hog, the all of all and the all
of nothing, never in the happy mean, never, always, it's too much,
too little, often, seldom, [2206.10] let me now sum up, after this digression, there is I, it's essential, it's preferable I feel it, yes,
I confess, I give in, therei there is I, it's essential, it's
preferable, I wouldn't have said so, I won't always say so, so
let me hasten to take advantage of being now obliged to say, in
a manner of speaking, that there is I, on theo one hand, and this
noise on the other, that I never doubted, no, let us be logical,
there was never any doubt about that, this noise, on the other, if
it is the other, that will doubteless be the subject of our next
deliberation, I sum up, now that I am there it's I will do the
summing up, it's I will say what is to be said and then say what
it was, that will be fun, I sum up, I and this noise, I see
nothing else for the moment, but I have only just taken over
my functions, I and this noise, and what about it, don't interrupt
me, I'm doing my best, I repeat, I and this noise, two things,
on the subkject of which, inverting the natural order, we would
seem to know for certain, among other things, what follows,
namely, on the one hand, with regard to the noise, that it has
not been possible up to date to determine with certainty, or
even apporximately , what it is, in the way of noise, or how it
comes to me, or by what organ it is emitted, or by what perceived,
or by what intelligence apprehended, in its main drift, and, on
the other, that is to say with regard to me, this is going to
take a little longer, with regard to me, nice time we're going
[p. 117r] to have now, with regard to me, that it has not been yet our good fortune to establish with any degree of accuracy what I am, where I am, whether
I am words among words, or whethrer I am silence in the midst of
silence, to recall only two of the hypotheses launched in this
connexion, though silence to tell the truth has not been very
conspicuous up to now, [2206.11] but appearances are deceptibve, I resume,
not yet our good fortune to establish, among other things, what,
no, no, already mentioned that what I am, no, already mentioned
that, what I'm doing, how I manage, to hear, if I hear, ifit
it is I who hear, and who can doubt it, I don't know, doubt is
present, in this connexion, somewhere or other, I resume, how I
succeed in hearing, if it's I who hear, and how in understanding,
ellipse when possible, it saves time, how in understanding, same
observation, and how it happens, if it is I who speak, and it may
be assumed it is, as it may be suspected it is not, if it's I
who speak, that I speak without stopping, that I long to stop,
that I can't stop, I indicate the principal divisions, it's more
synoptic, I resume, not the good fortune to establish, with regard to me, if it is I who seek, what exactly it is I seek, find,
lose, find again, throw away, find again, throw away again, no,
I never threw anything away, never threw anything away of all the
things I found, never found anything that I didn't lose, never
lost anything that I might not have thrown away, [2206.12] if it is I who
seek, find, lose, find again, lose again, seek again, seek in
vain, seek again, find again, lose again, seek no more, Iif it's
I what it is, and if it's not I who it is, and what it is, I see
nothing else for the moment, yes, I do, I conclude, not the good fortune to establish, considering the futility of my telling myself
even any old thing, to pass the time, why I do it, if it's I who
do it, as if reasons were required for doing any old thing, to
pass the time, no matter, the question may be asked, off the
record, why time does not pass, does not pass from you, why it
piles up all about you, instant on instant, on all sides, deeper
and deeper, thicker and thicker, your time, others' time, the time
of the ancient dead and the dead yet unborn, why it bruries you
[p. 118r] grain by grain neither dead nor alive, with no memory of anything,
no prospect hope of anything, no knowledge of anything, no history
and no prospects, buried under the seconds, saying any old thing,
your motheruth full of sand, oh I know it's immaterial, time is
one thing, I am another, but the question may be asked, why
time does not pass, just like that, off the redcord, en passant,
to pass by the time, I think that's all, for the moment, I see
nothing else, I see nothing whatever, fror the time being.