MS-TCD-4662

[0597] light towards ^an inaccessible ^boon, was the
rapture of vertigo, the letting-go, the
fall, the gulf, the ^[↑]relapse to darkness, to
nothingness, to earnestness, to home, to
him who was waiting for me always, who
needed me and whom I needed,

[0597] who took
me in his arms and told me to stay with him
always, who gave me his place and watched
over me, who suffered each time I left him,
whom I have often made suffer and seldom
contented, whom I have never seen.

[0598] There
I am getting out of control. [0599] ^My concern is not
with me, but with another, who is far
beneath me and whom I try to envy, whose
^crass adventures I can ^tell at last , I don't
know how. [0600] Of myself I could never tell,
any more than I could live or tell of others.

[0601] How could I have, since I never tried. [0602] To
show myself now,
on the point of vanishing, at the same time
as the stranger, ^and by the same grace,
that would be no ordinary last straw. [0603] And
then ^live, long enough to feel, behind my
closed eyes, other eyes close. [0604] What an end.

[0605] The market. [0606] The
inadequacy of the exchange between rural
and urban areas had not escaped the
excellent youth. [0607] He had mustered, on this
subject, the following considerations, some
perhaps close to, others no doubt far from,
the truth.

[0608] the problem of food -
in this country, - No, I
can't do it.

[0609] The peasants. [0610] His visits to the peasants.
[0611] I can't. [0612] Assembled in the
farmyard, they watched him depart,
^{[↑] on stumbling, wavering feet, as etc}, as though ^they
hardly felt the ground.

[0613] Often he stopped,
stood tottering for a
time, then suddenly was off
again, in another direction. [0614] So he moved,