MS-TCD-4662

[0569] And all alone, well hidden, I have
played the fool, all alone, for hours on
end, motionless, often standing, spell-
bound, groaning. [0570] That's right, groan.
[0571] I was not able to play. [0572] I cir ci turned
till I was dizzy, clapped my hands, ran,
shouted, saw myself losing, saw myself
winning, rejoicing, lamenting.

[0573] Then
suddenly I threw myself on the paraphernalia
playthings, if there were any, to destroy
them, or on a child, to change his joy
to howling, or I fled, I ran away and
hid.

[0574] They pursued me The grown-ups
pursued me, the just, caught me, beat me,
made me go back into the round, the game,
the jollity. [0575] It's I was already in the toils
of earnestness. [0576] That has been my disease.
[0577] I was born earnest ^grave as others syphylitic.

[0578] And earnestly ^gravely I live to be earnest ^grave no more,
to live, to invent, I know what I mean.
[0579] But at each fresh attempt I lose lost my
head, fled to my shadows as to sanctuary,
to the lap of him his lap who can neither
life nor suffer to see others living the
sight of others living. [0580] Life. [0581] I speak of
living without knowing what it means.

[0582] I tried to live without knowing what I
was trying. [0583] Perhaps I have lived after all,
without knowing it. [0584] I wonder why I speak
of all this. [0585] Ah yes, to relieve the tedium.
[0586] Live and make live. cause to live. [0587] The days
of the indictment of words are over. No more
The days of the indictment of words are
over. There is no use now indicting words.

[0588] They are no hollower more hollow than what
they peddle. [0589] And the failure, the solace, the
repose, I tried again, to began again, to
try and live, cause to live, be another
with in myself, in others. [0590] How false all
this is.

[0591] I never met a fellow man being.
[0592] I have no time to explain. [0593] I began
again. [0594] But little by little with an different
end in view. [0595] I no longer wish to succeed, but
I wished fail. [0596] Nuance. [0597] My object ^{What I sought}, when I
struggled out of my hole, then in the stinging