MS-WU-MSS008-3-49

[1246] and meeting with none does not beat a retreat, but retains its
tumefaction, it is then no doubt that true love comes to pass, and wings
away, high above the tight fit and the loose. [1247] And when you add a little
pedicure and massage, h^aving nothing to do with the instant of bliss
strictly speaking, then I feel that no further doubt is justified, in
this connection.

[1248] The other thing that worries me, in this connection,
is the indifference with which I learnt of her death, one black night
I was worming my way to her, an indifference softened indeed by the pain
of l^osing a source of revenue. [1249] She died taking a warm tub, as her custom
was before receiving me. [1250] It limbered her up. [1251] When I think she might
have delayed it until she was in my arms!

[1252] The tub overturned and the
dirty water spilt all over the floor and even down to the lodger below,
who gave the alarm. [1253] Well I never, I didn't think I knew this story so
well. [1254] She must have been a woman after all, if she hadn't been it would
have got around, in the neighbourhood. [1255] It is true they were extraordin-
-arily reserved, in my part of the world, about everything connected
with sexual matters. [1256] But things have perhaps changed since my time.

[1257] And it is quite possible that the fact of having found a man when they
should have found a woman was immediately repressed and forgotten, by
the few unfortunate enough to know it. [1258] ^As it is quite possible that
everybody knew about it, and spoke about it, with the sole exception of
myself. [1259] But there is one thing that torments me, when I delve into this,
and that is whether all my life has been devoid of love or whether I
really met with it, in Ruth.

[1260] What I do know for certain is that I
never sought to repeat the experience, having I suppose the intuition
that it had been unique and perfect, of its kind, achieved and inimitable,
and that it behoved me to preserve its memory, pure of all pastiche, in
my heart, even if it meant my resorting from time to time to the alleged
joys of so-called self-abuse. [1261] Don't talk to me about the chambermaid,