MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

[p. 09v]
DOODLE 27 DOODLE 28 DOODLE 29

[2192] [p. 10r] that will teach them perhaps, to keep their hands off me. [2193] Yes, xxx but there it is, I xxx xxx if I could, but I can't, whatever it is, I can't any more, I could perhaps once, in the days when I was bursting my guts, in obedience to my instructions, to bring back to the fold the dear lost lamb, I'd been told he was dear, that he was dear to me, that I was dear to him, that we were dear to each other, all my life I pelted him with twaddle, the dear departed, wondering what he was like in the flesh could possibly be like, where we could possibly have met, all my life, well nearly all, well, almost, damn the almost, all my life, before I join until I joined him, I'm dear to them, they're dear to me, and now I'm dear to them, they're dear to me, glad to hear it, they'll join us, one by one, it's a pity they're numberless, so are we, dear ^dear charnel of deserters, never to be filled, decidedly this evening everything is dear, no matter, the ancients hear nothing, for them it's fin over, all the hell is for the last arrival, and my old quarry, there beside me, for him it's over, beside me how are you, under me, we're piled up, no, that won't work either, no matter, it's a detail, for him it's over, him the second-last, and for me too, me the last, it will soon be over, I'll hear nothing more, I've nothing to do, simply wait, it it's a slow business, he'll x come and lie on top of me, my dear tor lie beside me, my dear tormentor, his turn to suffer what he made me suffer, mine to be at peace. [2194] How all comes right in the end to be sure, it's ^all thanks to the patience, xxx ^{and time}, it's thanks to the earth that it's thanks to patience and length of days time, it's thanks to the earth that revolves that the earth revolves no more, that ^and time ends its meal, and pain comes to an end, all you need do is wait, without lifting a finger, xx all y you only have to wait, without doing a thing, there it's no good doing a thing, and without understanding, understanding is no help, and all comes right, nothing comes right, nothing, nothing, this will never end, this voice will never stop, I am alone here, the first and the last, I never made anyone suffer, I never stopped anyone's suffering, no one will ever stop mine, they'll never stir I'll never stir, depart, I'll never stir, I'll never know peace, neither will they, but there with this difference, that they don't want it, they say they don't want, they say I don't want it either, xxx I that I don't want peace, after all perhaps xxx xxx ^{they're right},

[p. 10v]
DOODLE 30
addition 14→
DOODLE 31 DOODLE 32

[2194] [p. 11r] how could I want it, what is it, and this business of suffering, they say I suffer what is it, they say I suffer, perhaps they're right, that I'd feel better if I did this, said that, xx xxx if my body stirred, if my head understood, if they went silent and departed, perhaps they're right, how would I know about these things, how would I understand what they're talking about, I'll never stir, I'll never speak, they'll never go silent, they'll never depart, they'll never get me, they'll never stop trying, that's that, I'm listening. [2195.1] Well I prefer that, I must say I prefer that, that what, oh you know, who you, oh I suppose the audience, well well, so t there's an audience, it's a public spectacle ^{public show}, you buy your seat and you wait, or perhaps it's free, a free show, you wait for it to begin, that what, the show, you wait for the show to begin, the free show, or perhaps it's compulsory, a compulsory show, you wait for it to begin, the compulsory show, it's a show xxx it takes some time, you hear a voice, perhaps it's a recitation, that's the show, someone reciting, selected passages, old xxx favourites, a poetry matinee, or someone improvising, it's scarcely you can hardly ^barely hear him, that's the show, [2195.2] you can't leave, you're afraid to leave, things might be worse elsewhere, you make the best of it, you find explanations ^{pull yourself together}, you came too early, here we'd need Latin, it's only beginning, it hasn't begun, he's only preluding, clearing his throat, in his alone in his dressing-room, he'll appear in a moment, he'll begin in a moment, or it's the stage-manager, giving his instructions, his last recommendations, before the curtain rises, that's the show, waiting for the show, to the sound of a murmur, you pull yourself together, perhaps it's not a voice at all, perhaps it's the air, ascending, descending, expanding, contracting, seeking a way out among the obstacles, [2195.3] and the spectators, where are they, you hadn't noticed, in the clutch of waiting, that you wait are waiting alone, that's the show, waiting alone, in the restless air, for it to begin, for something to begin, for there to be something else besides yourself, for the xxx power to go, the courage to go, you pull yourself together, perhaps you're blind, no doubt you are deaf, the show is over, all is over, but where then is the hand, the friendly h hand of friendship, or merely of charity, or the hired hand, it's a long time coming, to take yours,

[p. 11v]
DOODLE 33 DOODLE 34 DOODLE 35

[2195] [p. 12r] and lead you away, somewhere xxx else perhaps where perhaps it's worse. [2196] So much for the you, that's the you off our mind. [2197] And now for the it, which I prefer, which I must say I prefer, what a memory, real fly-paper, I don't know, I don't prefer it, that's all I know so why bother about it, a thing one doesn't prefer, imagine that, bother just imagine that, bothering about that, never in th not on your life, one must wait, discover a preference, within your bosom, then it will be time enough to institute an enquiry. [2198.1] Besides ^{In any case}, that's right, connect, connect, you never know, in any case their attitude towards me has not changed, I was deceived, they were deceived, they have deceived me, they have tried to deceive me, saying that their attitude towards me had changed, but they haven't deceived me, I didn't understand what they were trying to do, I didn't understand what they were trying to do to me, I say what I'm told to say, that's all there is about it, and perhaps I don't, I don't know, I don't feel a mouth on me, I don't feel the words jostling in my mouth, and when you say a poem you love ^like, xx xxx if you like poetry, in the tube, or in x bed, to for yourself, the words are there, somewhere, without making a sound the least sound, I don't feel that either, words falling, You xxx know where, nor whence, drops of silence through the silence, I don't feel it, I don't a feel a mouth on me, nor a head, do I feel an ear, frankly now, do I feel an ear, no I don't, so on me, well frankly I don't, so much the worse, I don't feel an ear either, [2198.2] this is awful, make an effort, I must feel something, yes, I feel something, they say I feel something, I don't know what it is, I don't know what I feel, tell me what I feel, I'll tell you who I am, they'll tell me who I am, I won't understand, but the thing will be said, they will have said who I am, and I'll have heard, without an ear I'll have heard, and I'll have said it, without a mouth I'll have said it, I'll have heard it inside me, then in the same breath outside me, perhaps that's what I feel, that there's an outside and an inside and I in the middle, perhaps

[p. 12v]
DOODLE 36

[p. 13r] that's what I am, the thing that divides the world in two, on the one side the outside, on the other the inside, that can be as thin as a blade, foil, I'm neither one side nor the other, I'm in the middle, I'm the partition, I've two surfaces and no thickness, perhaps that's what I feel, I feel myself vibrating, I'm the tympanum, on the one side the skull, on the other the world, I don't belong to one or the other either, it's not to me they're talking, it's not of me they're talking, [2198.3] no, that's not it, I feel nothing of all that, try something else, herd of swine, say something else, for me to hear, I don't know how, for me to repeat, I don't know how, what clowns they are, always to keep on saying the same thing, when they know it's not the right one, no, they know nothing either, they forget, they think they change and they never change, they'll be there saying the same thing until they die, then perhaps a little silence, to give the next gang time to arrive on the site, I alone am immortal, what can you expect, I can't get born, perhaps that's their plan, to keep on saying the same thing, generation after generation, until I lose my temper and begin to scream, then they'll say, He has mewled, he's bound to rattle, it's mechanical, let's get to hell out of here, there's no point in assisting at that, others need us, for for him it's over, his troubles will be over, he's saved, we've saved him, they're all the same, they all let themselves be saved, they all let themselves be born, he was a tough nut, he'll distinguish himself have a brilliant career, in fury and remorse, he'll never forgive himself, and so depart, thus communing, in Indian file, or two by two, along the shore, it's a seashore, it's a seashore, on the pebbles, on the sands, in the evening air, it's evening, that's all is known, evening, shadows, somewhere, anywhere, on the earth. [2199] Yes My temper, yes, but there it is, I'll never lose it, and evening isn't sure either, it needn't be evening, dawn too casts ^gives long shadows,

[p. 13v]
DOODLE 37 DOODLE 38 DOODLE 39 DOODLE 40 DOODLE 41

[2199] [p. 14r] to all that is still standing, that's all that matters, only shadow matters, with with no life of its own, no shape and no respite, perhaps it's dawn, evening of night, the question isn't there, and so depart, towards my brothers brethren, no, none of that, no brethren, that's right, retract, they don't know, they depart, not knowing where, towards the master, it's possible, please to observe, it's possible, to xxx for their freedom, for them it's the end, for me the beginning, the end begins, they halt ^stop, to listen to my cries ^screams, they won't halt stop again, yes they will, my cries will stop them, 'll stop, my cries will stop, from time to time, I'll stop crying they'll never stop again, yes, they'll stop, my screams will , I'll stop screaming stop, from time to time, I'll stop screaming, to listen to hear if someone is answering, to look and hear if someone is answering, to look and see if someone is coming, then I'll go, I'll close my eyes and go, screaming, and scream elsewhere. [2200] Yes, but my mouth, but there it is, I won't open it, I have no mouth, and what about, I'll grow one, a little hole at first, then wider and wider, deeper and deeper, the air will pass into me, and from me, gush into me, and gush out, a second later, howling. [2201] But is it not too much to ask, really too much, to ask so much, to so little, is it really necessary? [2202] And would it not suffice, without any change in the thing as it stands now stands, as it always stood, without a mouth being dug at the place where even furrows which even pain could never line, would it not suffice to, what, the thread is lost, no matter, here's another, would a little xxx stir not suffice, an ^some imperceptible subsidence or upheaval, that would start things off, the whole fabric would react, that would start the ball x rolling, the disturbance would spread to every part, locomotion itself would ensue, trips properly so called, business trips, pleasure trips, research expeditions, pleasure rambling excursions ^jaunts, walking honeymoons ^abroad and long solitary tramps, I indicate the main trends, sports, sleepless nights, muscular exercises, locomotor ataxy, spasms ^convulsions, rigor mortis, dismantling (revelation) (disclosure)