MS-WU-MSS008-3-49

[0523] reasoned theory. [0524] On this subject I had only negative and empirical
notions, which means that I was in the dark, most of the time, and
all the more completely as a lifetime of observations had left me
doubting the possibility of systematic decorum, even within a
limited area. [0525] But it is only since I have ceased to live that I
think of these things and the other things.

[0526] It is in the tranquillity
of decomposition that I remember the long confused emotion which was
my life, and that I judge it, as it is said that God will judge us,
and with no less impertina^ence. [0527] To decompose is to live too, I know,
I know, don't torment me, but one sometimes forgets.

[0528] And of that
life too I shall tell you perhaps one day, the day when I know that
when I thought I knew I was merely existing, and that passion without
form or stations will have devoured me down to the rotting flesh
itself, and that when I know that I know nothing, that I am merely ^only
crying out as I have always cried out, more or less piercingly, more
or less openly. [0529] Let me cry out then, it's said to be good for you.

[0530] Yes, let me cry out, this time, then another time perhaps, then
perhaps a last time. [0531] Cry out that the declining sun fell full on
the white wall of the barracks. [0532] It was like being in China. [0533] A
confused shadow was cast^. on it. [0534] It was I and my bicycle. [0535] I began
to play, gesticulating, waving my hat, moving my bicycle to and fro
before me, blowing the horn, [0536] watching the wall.

[0537] They were watching
me through the bars, I felt their eyes upon me. [0538] The policeman on
guard at the door told me to go away. [0539] He needn't have, I was calm
again. [0540] The shadow in the end is no better than the substance. [0541] I
asked the man to help me, to have pity on me. [0542] He didn't understand.
[0543] I thought of the food I had refused. [0544] I took a pebble from my
pocket and sucked it. [0545] It was smooth, from having been sucked so