[p. 60r]
[3689] silent for some time. [3690] And if you can't find one second-hand, I said at last, what will you do? [3691] You didn't tell me, he said. [3692] What a restful change it is from time to time, a little dialogue. [3693] How much money did I give you? I said. [3694] He counted the notes. [3695] Four pounds ten, he said. [3696] Count them again, I said. [3697] He counted them again. [3698] Four pounds ten, he said. [3699] Give it to me, I said. [3700] He gave me the notes and I counted them. [3701] Four pounds ten. [3702] I gave you five, I said. [3703] He did not answer, he let the figures speak for themselves. [3704] Had he stolen ten shillings and hidden them on his person? [3705] Empty your pockets, I said. [3706] He began to empty them. [3707] It must not be forgotten that all this time I was lying down. [3708] He did not know I was ill. [3709] Besides I was not ill. [3710] I looked vaguely at the objects he was spreading out before me. [3711] He took them out of his pockets one by one, held them up delicately between finger and thumb, turned them this way and that before my eyes and laid them finally on the ground beside me. [3712] When a pocket was emptied he pulled out its lining and shook it. [3713] Then a little cloud of dust arose. [3714] I was very soon overcome by the absurdity of this verification. [3715] I told him to stop. [3716] Perhaps he was hiding the ten shillings up his sleeve, or in his mouth. [3717] I should have had to get up and search him myself, inch by inch. [3718] But then he would have seen I was ill. [3719] Not that I was exactly ill. [3720] And why did I not want him to know I was ill? [3721] I don't know. [3722] I could have counted the money I had left. [3723] But what use would that have been? [3724] Did I even know the amount I had brought with me? [3725] No. [3726] To me too I cheerfully applied the maieutic method. [3727] Did I know how much I had spent? [3728] No. [3729] Usually I kept the most rigorous accounts when away on business and was in a position to justify my expenditure down to the last penny. [3730] This time no. [3731] For I was throwing my money away with as little concern as if I had been travelling for my pleasure. [3732] Let us suppose I am wrong, I said, and that I only gave you four pounds ten. [3733] He was
[p. 61r]
[3733] calmly picking up the objects littered on the ground and putting them back in his pockets. [3734] How could he be made to understand? [3735] Stop that and listen, I said. [3736] I gave him the notes. [3737] Count them, I said. [3738] He counted them. [3739] How much? I said. [3740] Four pounds ten, he said. [3741] Ten what? I said. [3742] Ten shillings, he said. [3743] You have four pounds ten shillings, I said. [3744] Yes, he said. [3747] It was not true, I had given him five. [3748] You agree, I said. [3749] Yes, he said. [3750] And why do you think I have given you all that money? I said. [3752] His face brightened. [3753] To buy a bicycle, he said, without hesitation. [3756] Do you imagine a second-hand bicycle costs four pounds ten shillings? I said. [3757] I don't know, he said. [3758] I did not know either. [3759] But that was not the point. [3760] What did I tell you exactly? I said. [3761] We racked our brains together. [3762] Second-hand for preference, I said finally, that's what I told you. [3763] Ah, he said. [3764] I am not giving this duet in full. Just the main [⁁]themes. [3765] I didn't tell you second-hand, I said, I told you second-hand for preference. [3766] He had started picking up his things again. [3767] Will you stop that, I cried, and pay attention to what I am saying. [3768] He ostentatiously let fall a big ball of tangled string. [3769] The ten shillings were perhaps inside it. [3770] You see no difference between second-hand and second-hand for preference, I said, do you? [3771] I looked at my watch. [3772] It was ten o'clock. [3773] I was only making our ideas more confused. [3774] Stop trying to understand, I said, just listen to what I am going to say, because I shall not say it twice. [3775] He came over to me and knelt down. [3776] You would have thought I was about to breathe my last. [3777] Do you know what a new bicycle is? I said. [3778] Yes papa, he said. [3779] Very well, I said, if you can't find a second-hand bicycle buy a new bicycle. [3780] I repeat. [3781] I repeated. [3782] I who had said I would not repeat. [3783] Now tell me what you are to do, I said. [3784] I added, Take your face away, your breath stinks. [3785] I almost added, You don't brush your teeth and you complain of having abscesses, but I stopped myself in time. [3786] It was not the
[p. 62r]
[3786] moment to introduce another theme. [3787] I repeated, Tell me what you are to do. [3788] He pondered. [3789] Go to Hole, he said, fifteen miles away — [3790] Don't worry about the miles, I said. [3791] You're in Hole. [3792] What for? [3793] No, I can't. [3794] Finally he understood. [3795] Who is this bicycle for, I said, Goering? [3796] He had not yet grasped that the bicycle was for him. [3797] Admittedly he was nearly my size already. [3798] As for the carrier, I might just as well not have mentioned it. [3799] But in the end he had the whole thing off pat. [3800] So much so that he actually asked me what he was to do if he had not enough money. [3801] Come back here and ask me, I said. [3802] I had naturally foreseen, while reflecting on all these matters before my son woke, that he might have trouble with people asking him how he came by so much money and he so young. [3803] And I knew what he was to do in that event, namely go and see, or send for, the police-sergeant, give his name and say it was I, Jacques Moran, ostensibly at home in Turdy, who had sent him to buy a bicycle in Hole. [3804] Here obviously two distinct operations were involved, the first consisting in foreseeing the difficulty (before my son woke), the second in overcoming it (at the news that Hole was the nearest locality). [3805] But there was no question of my conveying instructions of such complexity. [3806] But don't worry, I said, you've enough and to spare to buy yourself a good bicycle. I added, And bring it back here as fast as you can. [3807] You had to allow for everything with my son. [3808] He could never have guessed what to do with the bicycle once he had it. [3809] He was capable of hanging about Hole, under God knows what conditions, waiting for further instructions. [3810] He asked me what was wrong. [3811] I must have winced. [3812] I'm sick of the sight of you, I said, that's what's wrong. [3813] And I asked him what he was waiting for. [3814] I don't feel well, he said. [3815] When he asked me how I was I said nothing, and when no one asked him anything he announced he was not feeling well. [3816] Are you not pleased, I said, to have a nice brand-new bicycle, all your own? [3817] I was decidedly
[p. 63r]
[3817] set on hearing him say he was pleased. [3818] But I regretted my phrase, it could only add to his confusion. [3819] But perhaps this family chat has lasted long enough. [3820] He left the shelter and when I judged he was at a safe distance I left it too, painfully. [3821] He had gone about twenty paces. [3822] Leaning nonchalantly against a tree-trunk, my good leg boldly folded across the other, I tried to look light-hearted. [3823] I hailed him. [3824] He turned. [3825] I waved my hand. [3826] He stared at me an instant, then turned away and went on. [3827] I shouted his name. [3828] He turned again. [3829] A lamp! I cried. [3830] A good lamp! [3831] He did not understand. [3832] How could he have understood, at twenty paces, he who could not understand at one. [3833] He came back towards me. [3834] I waved him away, crying, Go on! [3835] Go on! [3836] He stopped and stared at me, his head on one side like a parrot, utterly bewildered apparently. [3837] Foolishly I made to stoop, to pick up a stone or a piece of wood or a clod, anything in the way of a projectile, and nearly fell. [3838] I reached up above my head, broke off a live bough and hurled it violently in his direction. [3839] He spun round and took to his heels. [3840] Really there were times I could not understand my son. [3841] He must have known he was out of range, even of a good stone, and yet he took to his heels. [3842] Perhaps he was afraid I would run after him. [3843] And indeed, I think there is something terrifying about the way I run, with my head flung back, my teeth clenched, my elbows bent to the full and my knees nearly hitting me in the face. [3844] And I have often caught faster runners than myself thanks to this way of running. [3845] They stop and wait for me, rather than prolong such a horrible outburst at their heels. [3846] As for the lamp, we did not need a lamp. [3847] Later, when the bicycle had taken its place in my son's life, in the round of his duties and his innocent games, then a lamp would be indispensable, to light his way in the night. [3848] And no doubt it was in anticipation of those happy days that I had thought of the lamp and cried out to my son to buy a good
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[3848] one, that later on his comings and his goings should not be hemmed about with darkness and with dangers. [3849] And similarly I might have told him to be careful about the bell, to unscrew the little cap and examine it well inside, so as to make sure it was a good bell and in good working order, before concluding the transaction, and to ring it to hear the ring it made. [3850] But we would have time enough, later on, to see to all these things. [3851] And it would be my joy to help my son, when the time came, to fit his bicycle with the best lamps, both front and rear, and the best bell and the best brakes that money could buy.
[3852] The day seemed very long. [3853] I missed my son! [3854] I busied myself as best I could. [3855] I ate several times. [3856] I took advantage of being alone at last, with no other witness than God, to masturbate. [3857] My son must have had the same idea, he must have stopped on the way to masturbate. [3858] I hope he enjoyed it more than I did. [3859] I circled the shelter several times, thinking the exercise would benefit my knee. [3860] I moved at quite a good speed and without much pain, but I soon tired. [3861] After ten or eleven steps a great weariness seized hold of my leg, a heaviness rather, and I had to stop. [3862] It went away at once and I was able to go on. [3863] I took a little morphine. [3864] I asked myself certain questions. [3865] Why had I not told my son to bring me back something for my leg? [3866] Why had I hidden my condition from him. [3867] Was I secretly glad that this had happened to me, perhaps even to the point of not wanting to get well? [3868] I surrendered myself to the beauties of the scene, I gazed at the trees, the fields, the sky, the birds, and I listened attentively to the sounds, faint and clear, borne to me on the air. [3869] For an instant I fancied I heard the silence mentioned, if I am not mistaken, above. [3870] Stretched out in the shelter, I brooded on the undertaking in which I was embarked. [3871] I tried again to remember what I was to do with Molloy, when I found him. [3872] I dragged myself down to the stream. [3873] I lay down and looked at my reflection, then I washed my face and hands.