MS-UoR-1477-10

[0015] that time you went back that last time to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child when was that ^{(eyes close) dull morning} took the eleven to the end of the line and on from there no no trams then all gone long ago that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child not a tram left in the place only the old rails when was that

[0018] straight off the ferry and up with the nightbag to the high street neither right nor left not a curse for the old scenes the old names straight up the rise from the wharf to the high street and there not a wire to be seen only the old rails all rust when wás that was your mother still ah for God's sake all gone long ago that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child someone's folly

[0021] Foley was it Foley's Folly bit of a tower still stan^ding all the rest rubble and nettles where did you sleep no friend all the homes gone was it that kip on the front where you no she was with you then still with you then just the one night in any case off the ferry one morning and back on her the next to look was the ruin still there where none ever came where you hid as a child slip off when no one was looking and hide there all day ^long on a stone among the nettles with y^our picture-book

[0025] or talking to yourself who else out loud imaginary conversations there was childhood for you ten or eleven on a stone among the giant nettles making it up now one voice now another till you were hoarse and they all sounded the same well on into ^the night some moods in the ^black dark or moonlight and they all out on the roads looking for you

[0032] that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child straight off the ferry and up to the high street to catch the eleven neither right nor left only one thought in your head not a cur^se for the old scenes the old names just head down press on up the rise to the top and stood there waiting with the nightbag till the truth began to dawn

[0035] no getting out to it that way so what next no question of as^king not another word to the living as long as you lived so foot it up in the end to the station bowed half double get out to it that way all closed down and boarded up Doric terminus of the Great Southern and Eastern all closed down and the colonnade crumbling away so what next

[0038] gave it up gave up and sat down on the steps in the pale morning sun no those ^steps got no sun somewhere else then gave up and off somewhere else and down on a step in the pale sun a doorstep say someone's doorstep for it to be time to get on the night ferry and out to hell out of there no need sleep anywhere not a curse for the old scenes the old names the passers pausing to gape at you like something out of Beckett quick gape then pass on pass by on th^e other side

[0041] huddled on the doorstep in the old green greatcoat in the pale sun with the nightbag needless on your knees not knowing where you were little by little not knowing where you were or when you were or what for place might have been deserted for all you knew like that time on the stone where none ever came

[0046] none ever came but the child on the stone among the giant nettles with the light coming in when the wall had

[0046] ^{crumbled away} poring on his book well on into the night some moods the moonlight and they all out on the roads looking for him or making up talk breaking up two or more talking to himself that way being together that way where none ever came

[0049] eleven or twelve in the ruin on the flat stone among the nettles in the dark or moonlight muttering away now one voice now another there was childhood for you till there on th^e doorstep in the pale sun you found yourself at it again not a cur^se for the passers pausing to gape at the scandal huddled there in the sun where it had no warrant clutching the nightbag drooling away out loud eyes closed and the white hair pouring out down from under the hat and so sat on in that pale sun forgetting it all

[0052] making it all up on the doorstep as you went along making yourself all up again for the millionth time forgetting it all where you were and what for Foley's Folly and the lot the child's ruin you came to look was it still there to hide in again till it was night and time to go till that time came

[0055] back down to the wharf with the nightbag and the ol^d green greatcoat your father left you trailing the ground and the white hair pouring out down from under the hat till that time came on down neither right nor left not a thought in your head oⁿly get back on board and away to ^hell out of it and never come back or was that another time all that another time was there ever any other time but that away to hell out of it all and never come back

[0017] on the stone together in the sun on the stone at the edge of the little wood and as far as eye could see the wheat turning yellow vowing every now and then you loved each other just a murmur not touching or anything of that nature you one end of the stone she the other long low stone like millstone no looks just there together on the stone in the sun with the little wood behind gazing at the wheat or eyes closed ^{all still} no sign of life not a soul abroad no sound

[0020] all still just the leaves and ears and you too still on the stone in a kind of daze not a word only ever^y now and then to vow you loved each other just a murmur one thing could ever bring tears till they dried up altogether that thought when it came up among the others floated up that scene

[0023] on the stone in the sun gazing at the wheat or the sky or the eyes closed nothing to be seen but the wheat turning yellow and the blue sky vowing every now and then you loved each other tears without fail till they dried up altogether suddenly there in whatever thoughts you might be having whatever scenes perhaps way back in childhood or the womb worst of all or that old Chinaman long before Christ born with long white hair

[0026] or by the window in the dark harking to the owl not a thought in your head till hard to believe harder and harder to believe you ever told anyone you loved them or anyone you till just one of those things you kept making up to keep the void out just another of those old tales to keep the void from pouring in on top of you the shroud

^{[0027] Silence 1}

[0031] muttering th^at time together on the stone in the sun or that time together on the towpath or that time together in the sand that time that time making it up from there as best you could always together somewhere in the sun on the towpath facing downstream into the sun sinking and the bits of flotsam coming from behind and drifting on or caught in the reeds the dead rat it looked like that time came on you from behind and went drifting on till you could see it no more

[0034] no sight of the face or any other part never turned to her nor she to you always parallel like on an axle-tree never turned to each other just blurs on the fringes of the field no touching or anything o^f that nature always space between if only an inch no pawing in the m^anner of flesh and blood no better than shades if it wasn't for the vows

[0037] stock still always stock still like that time on the stone or that time in the sand stretched out parallel in the sun gazing up at the blue with the glider or eyes closed blue dark blue dark stock still side by side scene float up and there you were wherever it might be

[0039] ^stock still side by side in the sun then sink and vanish without your having stirred any more than the two knobs on a dumbbell except the lids and every now and then the lips to vow and all around too all still all sides wherever it might be no stir or sound only faintly the leaves in the little wood behind or the ears or the bent or the re^eds as the case might be of man no sight or sound

^{[0042] Silence 2}

[0045] or alone in the same the same scenes making it up that way to keep going keep it going keep it out on the stone alone on the end of the stone with the wheat and blue or the towpath alone on the towpath with the ghosts of the mules the drowned rat or bird or whatever it was floating off into the sunset till you could see it no more nothing stirring only

[0045] the water and the sun going down till it went down and you vanished all vanished

[0048] or that time alone on your back in th^e sand and no vows to break the peace when was that an earlier time a later time before she came after she went or both before she came after she was gone and you back in the old scene whatever it might be might have been the same old scene before as then then as after with the ^rat ^or the wheat the yellowing ears or that time in the sand the glider passing over that time you went back soon after long after

[0051] the glider passing over the same never any change same blue skies nothing ever changed but she with you there or not on your right hand always the right hand on the fringe of the field and every now and then in the great peace like a ^whisper so faint she loved you hard to believe you even you ever made up that bit ti^ll the time came in the end

[0054] that time in the end when you tried and couldn't by the window in the dark and the owl flown to hoot at someone else or back with a shrew to its hollow tree and not another sound hour after hour not a sound when you tried and tried and couldn't any more no words left to keep it out so gave up there by the window in the dark or moonlight and not a sound not another sound gave up for good and let it in and nothing the worse a great shroud billowing in all over you on top of you and little or nothing the worse little or nothing

[0016] when you went in out of the rain always winter then always raining that time in the Portrait Gallery in off the street out of the cold and rain slipped in when no one was loo^king and through the rooms shivering and dripping till y^ou found a seat marble slab and sat down to rest and dry off and on to hell out of there when was that

[0019] was your mother still ah for God's sake all gone long ago all dust the lot you the last huddled up on the slab in the old green greatcoat with your arms round you whose else hugging you for a bit of warmth to dry off and on to hell out of there and on to the next not a living ^soul in the place only yourself and ^{the odd} attendant drowsing around in ^his felt shufflers not a sound to be heard only every now and then a shuffle of felt drawing near then dying away

[0022] till you lifted your head and there before your eyes when they opened a vast oil black with age and dirt someone famous in his time some famous man or woman or even child such as a young prince or princess some young prince or princess of the blood black with age behind the glass where gradually as you peered trying to make it out gradually of all things a face appeared had you swivel on the slab to see who it was there at your elbow

[0024] never the same after that never ⁽quite⁾ the same but that was nothing new if it wasn't this it was that common occurrence something you could never be the same after crawling around year after year sunk in your lifelong mess muttering to yourself who else you'll never be the ^same after this you were never the same after that

[0030] never the same but the same as what ofr God's sake did you ever say I to yourself in your life come on now ^{(eyes close)} could you ever say I to yourself in your life turning-point that was a grea^t word with you before they dried up altogether always having turning-points and never but the one the first and last that time curled up worm in slime when they lugged you out and wiped you off and straightened you up never another after that never looked back after that was that the time or was that another time

[0033] when you started not knowing who you were from Adam trying how that would work for a change not knowing who you were from Adam no notion who it was saying what you were saying whose skull you were clapped up in whose moan had you the way you were was that the time or was that another time there alone with the portraits of the dead black with dirt and antiquity and the dates on the frames in case you might get the century wrong not believing it could be you till they put you out in the rain at closing-time

[0036] the rain and the old rounds trying making it up that way as you went along how it would work that way for a change never having been how never having been would work the old rounds trying to wangle you into it tottering and muttering all over the parish till the words dried up and the head dried up and the legs dried up whosever they were or it gave ^up whoever it was

[0040] always winter then always raining always slipping in somewhere when no one would be looking in off the street out of the cold and rain