MS-UoR-1477-4

[0015] that time you went back that last time to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child when was that took the eleven to the end of the line ^terminus and on from there no no trams then all gone long ago when you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child and not a tram left in the place ^{all gone} only the old lines ⁽when was that⁾

[0018] straight off the boat and up with the nightbag to the main street neither right nor left not a curse for the old scenes the old faces straight up the rise to the main street and there not a wire to be seen only the old lines all rust when in God's name was that was your mother still ah for God's sake all not at all all gone long ago the night then where did you sleep the night that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child someone's folly

[0021] Foley was it Foley's Folly bit of the tower still standing all the rest rubble and nettles where did you sleep then no friends all the homes gone was it that kip on the front where you no she was with you then still with you then only one night in any case off the boat one morning and back on her the next to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child slip off when no one was looking and hide there all day sitting on a stone in the middle of the nettles with your picture-book

[0025] or talking to yourself out loud imaginary conversations there was childhood for you ten or eleven sitting on a stone in the middle of the nettles making it up now one voice now another till you were hoarse and they all sounded alike well on into the night some moods in the dark or moonlight have them all out on the roads looking for you

[0032] then that time you went back to look was the ruin still there where you hid as a child straight off the boat and up to the main street to catch the eleven neither right nor left only one thought in your head not a curse for the old scenes the old faces jy^ust head down press on up the rise from the pier to where the stop was stood there waiting with the nightbag till the truth began to dawn

[0035] no getting at it that way so what next no question of asking not another word to the living as :^long as you lived foor^t it up in the end to the station bowed half double get out to it that way all closed down and boarded up Doric terminus of the Great Southern and Eastern all closed down and the colonnade falling to bits so what next

[0038] gave it up gave up and sat down on the steps in the sun pale morning sun no no sun those steps got no sun in the morning somewhere else then went away somewhere else and sat down on a step in the pale sun a doorstep say someone's doorstep to wait for it to be time to get on the evening boat and out to hell out of there for that time to come no need to sleep anywhere not a curse for the old scenes y you lived in so long the old faces and the passers early birds stopping to goggle at you like something out of Beckett

[0041] huddled there on the step in the old green greatcoat in the pale sun with the nightbag ^needless on your knees not knowing where you were when you were little by little not kn^owing where you were when you were or what for place might have been uninhabited for all you knew or cared so much the better like that time on the stone

[0046] the child on the stone on the stone in the middle of the nettles with the sun coming in where the wall had fallen down poring on his book or making up talk splitting himself up two or more talking to himself that way being together that way well on into the night certain moods till they'd all be out on the roads looking for him

[0049] eleven or twelve sitting in the ruin on the flat stone in the middle of h^the nettles in the dark or moonlight muttering away now one voice now another there was childhood for you till sitting there in the pale sun you found yourself at it again not a curse for the passers pausing to gape at the scandal huddled there in the sun where it had no warrant clutching the nightbag drooling away out loud and the white

[0049] hair pouring out down from under the hat and so sat on in that pale sun forgetting it all making it all up as you went along

[0052] making yourself all up again for the millionth time forgetting it all where you were and what for Foley(^ Foley's Folly and the lot the child's ruin you came to look was it still there to sit in again till it was dark and time to go till that time came

[0055] back down to the pier with the nightbag and the old green greatcoat your father left you trailing the ground and the white hair pouring out from under the hat till that time came on down neithx^er right nor left not a thought in your head only get back on board and away to hell out of it and never come back or was that another time all that another time was there ever any other time but that away to hell out of it all and never come back

[0017] on the stone sitting together in the sun on the stone at the edge of the little wood and as far as eyes could see the wheat or whatever it was turning yellow there in the sun vowing every now and again you loved each other that was the time not touching or anything of that kind you one end of the stone she the other long low stone like millstone no looks just sitting there in the sun wi with the little wood behind you gazing at the wheat or eyes closed no sign of life not a soul abroad

[0020] all still just the leaves and ears and you too still on the stone in a kiⁿd of daze not speaking only every now and again to vow you loved each other the one thing could bring tears to your eyes till they dried up altogether that thought when it came up among the others floated up that picture

[0023] of the two of you on the stone in the sun gazing at the wheat or seeming to nothing else to be seen from where you sat but the sky the wheat turning yellow and the blue sky vowing every now and again you loved each other tears without fail till they dried up altogether suddenly there in whateb^ver thoughts you might happen y^to be having whatever visions perhaps way back in your boyhood or the womb that was the worst of all ^{or that old Chinman born with the long white hair}

[0026] or just sitting by the window in the dark listening to the owl with not a thought in your head till you began finding it hard to believe harder and harder to believe you ever told anyone you loved them or anyone ever told you till it grew to be one of those things you used to tell yourself to keep the void out just another of those things you used to keep telling yourself to keep the void from pouring in on top of you

[0031] muttering that time sitting together in the sun and so on as yo you went along or that til^me together on the towpath or that time together in the dunes that time that time making it up from there as best you could always together somewhere in the sun as you went along or the hooting stopped died and not znother sound hour after hour not a sound that time standing together on the towpath facing downstream into the sun sinking and the bits of flotsam coming from behind and drifting on or caught in the reeds the dead rat it looked like that day time came on you from behind and went drifting on till you could see it no more

[0034] no sight of the face or any other part never turned to face her nor she to you always parallel like on an axle-tree never turn to each other just blurs on the fringes of the field no touching or anything of that kind always space between if only a few inches no pawing to see were you flesh and blood no better than figments if it wasn't for the vows

[0037] ^{stock still} always stock still like that time on the stone or that time in the dunes stretched out parallel in the sun gazing up at the blue with the glider or eyes closed blue dark blue dark stock still side by side picture float up and there you ^were wherever it might be

[0039] stock still side by side in the sun then sink and vanish without your having stirred any more than the two knobs of a dumbbell except the eyelids and the lips every now and again to vow and all around too all sides all stilln all still all sides wherever it might be no stir or sound only faintly the leaves in the little wox wood behind you or the ears or the bent or the reeds as the case might be of man no sight or sound

[0045] or alone in the same the same scenes alone wherever they might be making it up that way to keep going keep it going keep it out on the stone for example alone on the end of the stone with the wheat and blue or or stock still on the towpath with the ghosts of the mules watching the drowned rat or bird or whatever it was floating off into the sunset till you could see it no more stock still nothing moving only the water and the sun going down till it went down and you vanished all vanished

[0048] or that time alone on your back in the dunes for example and no vows breaking the peace when was an earlier time a later time be

[0048] fore she came after she went or both before she came after she was gone and you back in the old scene wherever it might be might have been the samr^e old scene before as then then as after with the rat or the wheat or whatever it was the f^yellowing ears or that time in the dunes the glider that passed over that time you went back soon after long after

[0051] and the glider passing over the same never any change sm^ame cloudless skies nothing ever changed but she there or not on your right hand always on your right hand on the fringe of the field and every now and again in the great peace like a whisper so faint that she loved you hard to believe you even you ever made up that bit till the time came

[0054] that time in the end when you tried and coudl^ldn't sitting by the window in the dark and the owl flown to hoot at someone else oe back with a shrew to its hollow tree when you tried and tried and couldn't any more no words left to keep it out so gave up there by the window in the dark or moonlight and not a sound not another sound gave up for good and let it in and none the worse a great white shroud billowing in on top of you and little or none the worse little or none

[0016] when you went in out of the rain always winter then always raining that time in the Portrait Gallery in off the street out of the rain slipped in when no one was looking and through the rooms all shivering and dripping till you found a seat marble slab and sat down to dry off and get your stren[⁁]^gth back and on out to hell out of there when was that

[0019] was your mother still ah for God's sake all dust the lot of them long ago you the last of the brood huddled up on the slab in the old green greatcoat with your head on your chest and your arms round you hugging you for a bit of warmth waiting to dry off and get your strength back to get on to hell out of there ^and on to tt^he next not a living soul in the place only yourself and a few what's the word attendants a few attendants mooching around in their felt pantofles and not a sound to be heard only now and again the shuffle of felt drawing near then dying away

[0022] till in the end you hoisted your head to begin with prior to levvying yourself up and on out to hell out of there on to the next and there before your eyes when they opened a vast oil black with age and dirt someone famous in his time presumably some famous man or woman or even child such as a young prince or princess some young prince or princess of the blood ^{black with age} sheeted with glass where gradually as you looked trying to make it out behind the glass and dirt gradually of all things a face appeared that made you twist round to see who was there in the room behind you you hadn't heard come in

[0024] never the same after that never quite the same but t that was nothing new with you if it wasn't this it was that twice or three times a week on an average something you could never be the same after dragging around year after year with your eyes on the ground in y our lifelong mess muttering to yourself who else you'll never be the same after this you were never the same after that

[0030] ^{never the same}[⁁] but the same as what for God's sake did you ever say I to yourself in your life come on now did you ever say I to yourself in o^your ^life turning-point that was a great word with you before they dried up altogether always having turning-points and never but the one if the truth were knowⁿ the first and last that time you lay curled up a worm in slime in the peace and dark and they lugged you out and dried you off and straightened you up that was your uy^turning-point never another after that never looked back after that was that the time or was that another time

[0033] when last infirmity you began not knowing who you were from Adam trying how that would work not knowing who you were from Adam no idea who it was saying what you were saying whose skull it was you were clapped up in whose moan had you the way you were was that the time or was that another time sitting there with the portraits of the dead black with dirt and antiquity and the dates on the perhaps ^{xxx frame} in case you might get the century wrong not believing it could be you till they put you out in the rain at closing-time

[0036] the rain and the old rounds trying making it up that way for a change ax^s you went along how it would work that way for a change never having been how never having been would work the old rounds trying to wangle you into it tottering and muttering all over the parish till the words dried up and the head dried up and the legs dried up whosever they were or it gave up whoever it was

[0040] the old rounds always winter always raining always slipping in somewhere when no one would be looking in off the street out of the cold and wet in the old green holeproof greatcoat your father left you places you didn't have to pay to get in such as the Public Library that was another another time great thing free culture in bad weather far from home or the Post Office that was another another time

[0047] always winter then endless winter year after year as if it couldn't end the old year old year couldn't end stuck in December day after day like time could go no further earth no further that time in the Post Office all