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[2297] [p. 30r] dead, so as in the end to be a little as I always was and never could be, without fear of worse to come peacefully in the place where I always was and never could be a rest in peace, ^{so as in the end to be a little as I always was and never could be, without fear of worse to come quietly in the p peacefully in the place where I always was and never could rest} I do no, I don't know, it's simpler than that, I wanted myself, in my own country ^land, for a short moment ^{brief space}, I didn't want to die a stranger among strangers in the midst of strangers, a stranger in my own midst, surrounded by invaders, no, I don't know what I wanted, I don't know what I thought, I must have wanted so many things, I imagined so many things, while I was talking, without knowing exactly what, enough to go blind, with longings and visions, mingling and merging in one another, I'd have been better employed minding what I was saying. [2298] And anyway it didn't happen like that, it happened as it is happening now, that is to say, I don't know, one mustn't believe what I say, I don't know what I'm saying, I'm doing as I always did, I'm going on as best I can. [2299] As to believing that I shall go silent for good and all, I don't believe it particularly, I always believed it, as I always believed that I would never go silent, you can't call that believing, it's my walls. [2300] But has nothing really changed, all this time? [2301.1] If instead of having to speak I had something to do, with my hands, or my feet, sorting out things for example, or simply arranging things, suppose for the sake of argument I had to move things from one place to another, then I'd know where I was, and how far I had got, no, not necessarily, I can see that from here, they'd contrive things in such a way that I couldn't suspect the two vessels, the one to be emptied and the one to be filled, of being in reality one and the same, it would be water, water, with my thimble xxx I'd go and xxx in one ^{draw it from one} container and go and pour it into another, or there would be four, or a hundred, half of them

[p. 30v]
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[p. 31r] to be emptied, the other half to be filled, numbered, the even to be emptied, the uneven to be filled, [2301.2] no, that would be too complicated it would be more complicated, it would be less symmetrical, no matter, to be emptied, and filled, in a certain way, in a certain order, according to certain correspondences, t so that I'd be obliged to think, reservoirs, communicating, communicating, by ^{means of} pipes under the floor, I can see it from here, always reaching the same showing the same level, no, that wouldn't work, too hopeless, they'd contrive things in such a way that I could have a little access of hope from time to time, yes, with pipes and taps, I can see it from here, so that I could imagine things, from time to time, have an illusion, from time to time, if I had that to do, instead of this, some little job with liquid, filling and emptying, always the same vessel, I'd do it well, I'd be better it'd be a better life than this, [2301.3] no, I mustn't complain, I'd have a body, I wouldn't have to say anything, I'd hear my steps, almost without ceasing, and the noise of the water, and the crying of the air imprisoned in the pipes, I don't understand, I'd have moments of fervour, I'd say to myself, The quicker I do it the quicker it will be done, the things one has to listen to, that's where hope would come in, it wouldn't be dark, impossible to do such work in the dark, that depends, yes, I must say I see no window, from here, whereas here that is of no importance, that I see no window, here I haven't to ^{need not} come and go, fortunately, I couldn't, nor be dexterous, for naturally the water would have great value and the least drop lost on the way, or in the act of drawing, or in the act of pouring, would cost me dear, and xxx how could you know, in the dark, if a a drop, [2301.4] what's this story, it's a story, now I've told another little story, about me, about the life that might

[p. 31v]
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[2301] [p. 32r] have been mine for all the difference it would have made, which was perhaps mine, perhaps I went through that before being judged worthy to go through this, who know towards what high destiny I am going, unless I am coming from it. [2302] But once again the story must be of another, I see him so well, coming and going among his casks, preventing his hand from trembling, dropping his thimble, listening to it bouncing and rolling on the ground, feeling for it with his foot, going down on his on his knees, going flat on his belly, crawling, it stops there, that must have been I, but I never saw myself, so it's not I, I don't know, how can I recognize myself who never made my acquaintance, it stops there, that's all I know, I don't see him any more, I'll never see him again, yes I will, now he's there, with the others, I won't name that, that's what you say, you say anything, some do this, others that, he does what I said, I don't remember, he'll come back, to keep me company, only the wicked are solitary, I'll see him again, it's his fault, his fault for wanting to know what he was like, and how he lived, or he'll never come back, it's one or the other, they don't all come back, I mean there must be some I have only seen once, up to now, very true, it's only beginning, I feel the end is here and the beginning likewise, to every man his orbit, it's obvious [2303] But, I'll try again I return to the charge, has nothing really changed, all this mortal time, I speak now of me, yes, henceforward I shall speak of none but me, it's decided, even though I may not succeed, there's no reason why I should succeed, i so it's time I began. [2304] Nothing changed? [2305] I must be aging all the same, bah, I was always aged old, always aging, and then aging makes no difference, not to mention that this is not about, hell, I've contradicted myself, no matter. [2306] So long as one doesn't know what one is talking about and can't stop to enquire, in cold blood, fortunately, fortunately one would like to stop, but without

[p. 32v]

[2306] [p. 33r] unconditionally, I resume, so long as, so long as, let me see, as so long as one, so long as he, ah to hell with all that, so long as this, then that, agreed, that's good enough, I nearly petered out got stuck. [2307.1] Help, help, if I could only describe this place, I who am so successful with my descriptions of places, of walls, ceilings, floors, they're a x spe they're my speciality, doors, windows, what haven't I imagined in the way of windows since I first be in the course of my career, some opened on the sea, all you see was sea and sky, if I could put myself in a room, xxx that's that would be the end of the wordhunt, even doorless, even windowless, x nothing but the four surfaces, the six surfaces, if I could shut myself up, it would be a mine, it could be black dark, I could be incapable of motion, I'd find a way, to explore it, I'd listen to the echo, I'd get to know it, I'd get to remember it, I'd get to imagine it, I'd be home, I'd say what it was ^it's like, in my home, instead of any old thing, this place, if I could describe this place, depict it, I've tried, I don't feel any place, no place round me, [2307.2] xxx there's no end to me, I don't know what it is, it isn't flesh, it doesn't end, it's like air, now I have it, this time it's I, that's what you say, it won't last, like gas, balls, balls, the place, then we'll see, the place first, then I'll find me in it, I'll put me in it, a solid lump, in the middle, or in a corner, well propped on three sides, the place, if only I could feel a place for myself, I've tried, I'll try again, it was never none was ever mine, that sea under my window, higher than my window, and the rowboat, do you remember the rowboat, and the river, and the bay, I knew I had memories, pity they are not of me, and the stars, and the beacons, and the lights of the buoys, and the mountain burning, it was the time when nothing was too good for me, [2307.3] the others benefited by it, they died

[p. 33v]

[2307] [p. 34r] off like flies, or the forest, a roof is not indispensable, xx an interior, if I could imagine myself in a forest, caught in a thicket, or tur wandering round in circles, that would be the end of this blathering, I'd describe the leaves, one by one, at the moment of their growing, at the moment of their giving shade, at the moment of their falling, at the moment of their rotting, those are good moments, for one who has need not say, But it isn't me, it isn't me, where am I, what am I doing, all this time, as if that had any impo mattered, but there it is, that takes the heart out you, your heart isn't in it any more, your heart that was, in the middle among the brambles, cradled by the shadows, you tried the sea, you try the town, you look for yourself in the mountains and in the and the plains, what can you it's only natural, you want yourself, you want yourself in your own little corner, it's not love, it's not curiosity, it's because you're tired, you want to stop, travel no more, seek no more, lie no more, speak no more, close your eyes, but your own, in a word lay your hands on yourself, after that you wi you'll make short work of it. [2308] I notice one thing, the others have completely disappeared. [2309] It's suspicious. [2310] Besides I notice nothing, I go on as best I can, if it begins to mean something I can't help it, I have passed by here, this has passed before me, thousands of times, it's turn has come round, it will pass on and something else will be there, another instant of my old instant, there it is, the old meaning I'm going to give myself x that I'll give myself, that I won't be able to give myself, there's a god for the damned, as on the first day, today is the first day, it begins, I know it well, I'll remember it as I go along, I'll be born and born with every passing minute, births for nothing, and come to night without having been. [2311] Look at this Tunis pink, it's the dawn. [2312] If I could shut myself up, quick, I'll shut myself up, it won't be me, quick, I'll make a place, it won't be mine, it doesn't matter, I don't feel any place for me, perhaps that will come, I'll put myself in it I'll