MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

[p. 34v]
DOODLE 72

[2312] [p. 35r] make it mine, I'll put myself in it, I'll put someone in it, I'll find someone in it, I'll put myself in him, I'll say it's me, perhaps he'll keep me, perhaps the place will keep us, me inside the other, the place all round us, it will all be over, I won't have to move any more, I'll close my eyes, all I'll have to do is talk, it will be easy, I'll have things to say, I'll talk about me, about my life, I'll make it good, I'll know who's talking, and about what, I'll know where I am, perhaps I'll be able to go silent, perhaps that's all they waiting ^for, there they are again, waiting for me to reach home, to pardon me, it's the lie they xxx refuse to stop, I'll close my eyes, I'll close my mouth, I'll be happy at last, that's the way it is this morning. [2313] I call that morning, that's right, tergiversate a little longer, I call that morning, I haven't many words, I haven't much choice, I don't choose, the word came, I should have avoided this bright stain, it's the break of day, but it doesn't last, I know it, I call that the break of day, if only you could see it. [2314] I'm off, you wouldn't think so, perhaps it's my last gallop, I always smelt the stable, it's I smell of the stable, there's no other stable but me, for me. [2315.1] No, I won't do it, what won't I do, as if that depended on me, I won't seek my dwelling any more, I don't know what I'll do, it would be occupied already, there would be someth somebody there already, someone someone there already, someone far gone, he wouldn't want anything me, I understand him, I'd disturb him, what xxx xxx xxx can I say now, am I going to say now, I'm going to ask x myself, I'm going to ask myself questions, that's a good stopgap, not that I'm in any danger of going silent, then why all this fuss, that's right, questions, I know millions, I must know millions, and then there are plans, when questions fail there are always plans, you say what you'll say and what you won't say, it doesn't

[p. 35v]
DOODLE 73 DOODLE 74 DOODLE 75 DOODLE 76

[p. 36r] commit you to anything and the evil moment passes, it drops dead, suddenly you hear yourself talking about god knows what as if you had never done anything else all ^your life, and you never have, never talked about anything else, you come back from a far place, back from the dead, that's where you ought to be, that's where you are, far from here, far from everything, if I could go there, if I could describe, I who am so successful with xxx topography, [2315.2] that's right, aspirations, when plans fail there are always aspirations, it's a knack, you must ta say it slowly, If only I could, that gives you time, time for a little longing ^{lump of longing} to rise up in the back x of your gullet, nothing remains but to seem to want to appease it, xxx there's no knowing where that may lead you, on tracks as beaten as the xxx day is long, often you pass yourself by, someone passes himself by, if only you knew, that's right, aspirations, you turn and look after behind you, the other too, you xxx weep for him, he weeps for you, it's low tragedy uproariously tragic sad, anything better than laughter, better that than laughter. [2316] What else, judgements opinions, comparisons, anything better than laughter, all helps, can't help helping, to get you over the pretty pass, what pretty pass the things one has to listen to, what pretty pass, it's not I am speaking it is not I who speak, is it I who hear, let's not go into that, go on as if I were the only one in the world, whereas I'm the only one absent from it, or with others, what difference does that make, others present, others absent, they are not obliged to make themselves known, all that is needed is to wander and let wander, from word to word, be this slow boundless whirlw whirlwind and each one of its particles of dust, it's impossible. [2317] Someone speaks, someone hears, no need to go any further, it is not he, it's I, or another, or others, what does it matter, the

[p. 36v]
DOODLE 78

[2317] [p. 37r]cause is heard, it is not he, he who I know I am, that's my only knowledge, he who I cannot say I am, I can't say anything, I've tried, I'm trying, he knows nothing, knows of nothing, nor neither what it is to speak, nor what it is to hear, to know x nothing, be capable of nothing, and to have to try, you don't try any more, you don't need to try, it goes xx on by itself, it drags on by itself, from word to word, a weary whirl, you are inside it somewhere, everywhere, not he, if I could forget him, have one second, a second of this noise that sweeps me away, without having to say, I don't say it, I haven't the time, It's not hi me, I am him, after all, why not, why not say it, I must have said it, might as well that as anything else, it's not me, it's not me, I can't, it came like that, it comes like that, it's not me, if this could be about him, if this could pass as him come to be about him, I'd deny him with pleasure, if that could would be a help, it's me, here's it's me, speak to me of him, let me speak of him, I never asked for anything, make me speak of him, what a mess, there there is no one left, long may it last. that last. [2318] That's what it comes to the end in the end, the survival of that alone, then the words come back, someone says I, unbelieving.[2319] If I could make an effort, an effort of attention, to try and fi discover what's happening, what's happening to me, what then, I don't know, I've forgotten the apodosis, but I can't, I don't even hear anything more, I'm sleeping, they call that sleeping, there they are again, we'll have to start killing them again, I hear this awful noise horrible noise, coming back takes time, I don't know where from, I was nearly there, I nearly slept, I call that sleeping, there is no one but me, there was never anyone but me, here I mean, elsewhere is a

[p. 37v]
addition 23→
DOODLE 79

[2319] [p. 38r] different matter, I was never elsewhere, here is my only elsewhere, it's I who do this thing and I who suffer it, it's not possible otherwise, it's not possible thus, it's not my fault, all I can say is that it's not my fault, it isn't the fault of anybody^one, since there isn't anyone it can't be the fault of anyone, since there isn't anyone but me it can't be mine, sometimes I seem to reason, that's all right with me, they must have taught me to reason, they must have begun teaching me, before they abandoned me, I don't remember that period, but it must have marked me, I don't remember having been abandoned, perhaps I received a shock. [2320] Strange, these phrases that die you know not why ^{for no reason}, strange, what's strange about it, here all is strange, all is strange when you come to think of it, no, it's thinking ^{coming to think [⁁]} of it that is strange, am I to suppose I am possessed, I can't suppose anything, I have to go on, that's what I'm doing, let others suppose, there must be others in other elsewheres, each one in his little elsewhere, this word that keeps coming back, each one saying to himself, when the moment comes, the moment to say it, Let others suppose, and so on, so on, let others do this, let others do that if there are any, that enables you to go on xx helps you on, you can say what you like, that helps you on, that helps you forward, I believe in progress, I know how to believe too, they must have taught me how to believe too. [2321] No, no one ever taught me anything, I never learnt anything, I've always been here, there here there was never anyone but me, never, always, me, no one, old xxx forever churned, slush to be churned eternally, now it's slush, a minute ago it was dust, it must have rained. [2322.1] He must have journeyed, he whose voice it is, he must have seen, with his eyes, a man or two, a thing or two, he must have been aloft, under the light, or else he has been told stories, travellers found him and

[p. 38v]
DOODLE 80

[p. 39r] told him stories, that proves my innocence, who says, That proves my innocence, he, it's he says it, or it's they say it, yes, they, they who reason, they who believe, no, a single one, he who lived, or saw some who had, it's he speaks of me, as if I were he, as if I were not he, both, and as if I were others, one after the other, he is the afflicted, [2322.2] I am far afar, do you hear him, he says I am afar, as if I were he, no, as if I were not he, for he is not afar, he is here, it's he who speaks, he says it's I, then he says it's not, I am afar, do you hear him, he's seeking me, I don't know why, he doesn't know why, he's calling me, he wants me to come out, he thinks I can come out, he wants me to be he, or someone else ^another, let us be fair, he wants ^me to come ^rise up, to come ^rise up into him, or into a someone else ^another, he thinks let us be impartial, he thinks he's got me, he feels me in him, then he says I, as if I were in, or in another, then he says Murphy, or Molloy, I forget, as if I were Malone, but their day is their day is past and gone, he wants no one but himself, for me, he thinks it's the las his last chance, he thinks that, they taught him how to think, this, that, it's always he who speaks, Mercier never spoke, Moran never spoke, I never spoke, I seem to speak, that's because he says I as if it were I, I too nearly believed he nearly took me in too, do you hear him, as if he were I, I who am afar, who can't move, who can't be found, but neither can he, all he can do is talk, if he can do that much, perhaps it's not he, perhaps it's a band, one after the other, [2322.3] how confused that is, someone speaks of confusion, is it a fault, all here is fault, you don't know why, you don't know whose, you don't know at whose expense towards whom, someone says you, it's the fault of the pronouns, there is no name for me, no pronoun for me, all the trouble comes from that, you say that, it's a kind of pronoun, it isn't that either, I'm not that either, let us have leave all that, forget about all that,