MS-HRC-SB-4-2-1

[p. 1r] ^{[0083] (strong young voice, but unmistakeably A's. Rather pompous.)} [0086] Thirty-seven today, sound apparently in wind ^{( he rimes this word with mind)} and limb, apart from my old trouble, and intellectually I have little doubt at the peak of my powers, or thereabouts. [0087] Celebrated the ^dreadful occasion, as in recent years, quietly at the Winehouse. [0088] No ^face there I knew. [0089] Sat before the fire with closed eyes separating the grain from the chaff. [0090] Jotted down a few notes, on the back of an envelope. [0091] It is good to be home again, in my old ^rags. [0097] The new light ^above my ^table is a great improvement. [0098] With all this darkness round me I ^feel less alone. [0099] (Pause.) [0100] In a way. [0101] (Pa^use.) [0102] I like to get up and move about in it, then back here to...(hesitates)... myself.

[0105] Pause.

[0106] The grain, what d^o I mean by that, I mean...(Pause.) I suppose I mean those things worth having when all the dust has - when all this dust has settled. [0107] I close my eyes and try and imagine them.

[0108] Pause.

[0110] Extraordinary silence this evening. I strain my ears and do not hear a sound. [0111] Old Miss ^Beamish always sings at this hour. [0113] [⁁] ^{songs of her girlhood, she says.[⁁][←]} [0112] But not tonight. [0115] ^{I admire her.}[←] [0112|001] [0118] ^{Shall I sing when I am her age} [0119] ^{[↑] if I ever am. Unlikely.} [0121] ^{Did I sing as a boy?} [0122] ^No. [0124] ^{Did I ever sing?} [0125] ^No.

[0126] Pause.

[0127] I have just listened to an old year^, [⁁]^{passages at random.} [0128] I did not check in the ^book, but it must be at least twelve ^{or fifteen} years ago. [0129] At that time I was living on and off with ^Furry in Street. [⁁] [0131] ^{[Insert][⁁]} DOODLE 1 DOODLE 2 [0141] [0142] [0143] ^The voice is ^{not mine.} [0145] Aspirations^. [0147] ^Resolutions. [0149] To drink less, in particular. [0151] ^Statistics. [0152] ^Seventeen hundred hours, out of the preceding ^eight thousand odd, consumed on licensed premises alone. [0155] Plans for a ^{less exhausting} sexual life. [0156] Last illness of his father. [0157] [⁁] DOODLE 3 [0157] ^{Flagging pursuit of happiness.} [0163] [↓] . [0163] ^{Shadow of the magnum opus.} [0164] Closing with a - (brief laugh) - ^squeal Providence. [0165] (Prolonged laugh.) [0166] What remains of all that ^misery? [0167] A girl in a shabby green coat, on a railway-station platform?

[0169] Pause.

[0170] When I look - ([0171] A s^witches off machine, broods, ^{looks at watch,} gets up and goes backstage into shadows. [0172] Pause of ten seconds. [0173] Sound of cork popping. [0174] Teⁿ seconds. [0175] Second cork. [0176] Ten seconds. [0177] Third cork. [0178] Ten seconds. [0179] ^{(Brief burst of raucous song.)} [0183] He comes back into light from an unexpected angle, front right , sits down, resumes his pose, switches on machine.) [0184] - back on the year that is gone^, [p. 2r] with the old eyes to come, there is of course the house on the canal where mother lay dying, in the early autumn, after her long widowhood, and the [0207] bench by the weir from where I could see her window. [0208] I sat there, wishing she were gone. [0208|001] [0210] Quite a number of people I got to know then, ^{oh I mean} by appearance, nursemaids and children, old men, dogs. [0211] One dark young ^beauty I remember particularly, ^{[⁁] all white and starch [⁁]} with a big b^lack pram. [0211|001] [0212] When^ever I looked in her direction she had her eyes on me. [0213] ^But when I ^{[⁁] was foolish enough} to speak to her she threatened to call a policeman. [0217] The face she had^! [0218] ^Eyes [0219] like...moonstones. [0223] I was there when - ^(He switches off, broods, ^switches on again)- the blind went down, one of those dirty brown roller affairs, throwing a ball for a dog as it happened ^[Stet.] . [0224] I looked up and there it was. [0225] ^{Over at last.} [0226] I sat a for a ^{moment or so} with the ball in my hand and the dog barking and pawing at me. [⁁] ^{[0228] [⁁]Moments ... [0228|001] (Pause.) [0229] Her moments. My moments. [0230] (Pause.)} [0233] ^{In the end} I held it out to him and he took it in his mouth, very gently. [0234] An old tennis ball, black and sodden, but unpunctured. [0235] ⁽ (Pause.) [0236] I wonder ^{) will that ever mean anything.}

[/] ^{[0241] Pause
[0242] Bowels better on the whole.
[0243] Pause}

[0243] Pause.

[0244] Intellec^tually a year of ^{profound gloom} until that ^wonderful night in March, at the end of the pier, in the high wind, when suddenly I saw the whole thing. [0245] ^{The turning-point, at last.[⁁]} [0246] This ^{I imagine} is what I have chiefly to ^{set down} this evening, against the day when my work will be done and perhaps no place in my memory, and no thankfulness, fo^{r t}h^{e miracle} that ^{-[⁁] - (Pause) - for the fire that set it alight.[⁁]} [0247] What I saw then was that the assum^ption I had been going on all , ^{my life,} namely - [0248] (He switches off machine impatiently, winds tape forward, switches on again) [0249] - granite rocks the foam flying up in the light of the beacon and the anemometer spinning like a propellor, clear to me at last that the dark I have struggled to keep ^{at bay} is in ^reality ^{my most valuable -} [0250] (He curses, switches off, winds tape for^ward, switches on again) [0251] - strange association till my dying day of storm and night with the light of understanding and the ^- [0252] (He curses louder, switches off, winds tape forward, switches on again) [0253] - my face in her breasts and my hand on her. [0254] We lay there without moving. [0255] But underneath us all moved, and moved us, gently, up and down, and ^{from side to side.}

[0256] Pause.

[0257] Past midnight. [0258] Never knew such a silence.

[0260] Pause.

[0261] ^{Here I end this -}

[0263] - upper lake, with the punt, bathed off the bank, then pushed out into the st^ream and drifted. [0264] She lay stretched out on the floorboards with her hands under her head and her eyes closed. [0265] ^Blazing sun, with a bit of a breeze, and the water nice and lively. [0266] I noticed a scratch on her thigh and asked her how she got it. [0267] Picking go^oseberries, she said. [0268] I said again I thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed, without opening her eyes. [0270] I asked [p. 3r] her to look at me and after a moment or so [/] ^{- pause - after a moment or so} she did, but her eyes just slits, because of the glare. [0271] I ^bent over her to get them in the shadow and they opened. ([0272] Pause.) [0276] We drifted in among ^the reeds and stuck. [0277] The way ^{they bent}, sighing, ^before the stem. [0279] I lay down across her with my face in her breasts and my hand on her. [0280] We lay without moving. [0281] But under us all moved, and moved us, up and down, and f^rom side to side.

[0282] Pause.

[0283] Past midnight. [0284] Never knew -

[0293] Just been listening to that stupid bastard I was 30 years ago, find it hard to believe I was ever as bad as that. [0296] The eyes she had! ([0297] Broods, realizes he is recording silence, swit^ches off, broods.) [0299] Everything there, everything, all the - [0300] (Realizes this is not being recorded, switches on.) [0301] Everything there, every^{-[⁁]thing on earth,}, all the light and dark of the
^{vice and crystal and sorrow
and rejoicing} ...(hesitates)...ages. [0305] Let that go! [0306] Jesus! [0307] Take his mind off his homework! [0308] Jesus! ([0309] Pause.) [0311] Ah well, maybe he was right. [0312] (Pause.) [0313] Maybe he was right. ([0314] Broods. [0316] Switches off. [0317] Consults envelope. [0319] Crumples it and throws it away. [0320] Broods. [0321] Switches on.

[0322] ^{Nothing to say}. [0323] What's a year now? [0324] Reverie and ^{[⁁] galloping constipation.} [0326] ^{gloried in the word spool} [0331] Seventeen copies sold, one pound six and something, eight probably. [0332] Getting known . [0336] C^rawled out once or twice, before the summer was over. [0337] Sat in the park in the middle of the brats and skivvies, dr^eaming and wishing I were gone. [0340] Last fancies. [0342] Swore to ^keep them ^{at bay}. [0342|001] Aspirations. [0342|002] Resolutions. [0344] Burnt the eyes out of me reading Effie again, a page a day, with tea^rs again. [0347] Could have been happy with her, up there on the cold sea, and the pines, and the dunes. [0348] (Pause.) ^{[0348|001] DOODLE 4Chinese (Chinks) occupied Dublin. Poor devils.} [0355] Fanny came in a couple of times. [0356] Fat old whore. [0357] Couldn't do much, but better than nothing. [0358] The last time wasn't so bad. [0359] How do you do it, she said, at your age? [0360] I told her I'd been saving up for her all my life. [0361] (Pause.) [0362] Went to vespers once, ^{first time since I left school,}. [0367] Slept. [0368] (Pause.) [0369] Sometimes wondered in the night if a last effort mightn't - [0370] (Pause.) [0371] Empty the bottle now and get to your bed. [0372] Finish this ^puke tomorrow. [0373] Or ^leave it at that. [0374] (Pause.) [0375] Leave it at that. [0376] (Pause.) [0377] Lie propped up on my back in the dark, and wander^roam. [0377|001] (Pause.) [0378] Be again in the dingle on a Xmas Eve, picking holly. [0379] (Pause.) [0380] Be again on Croghan on a Sunday morning [⁁], in the snow, ^{with the bitch} [⁁] stop and listen to the bells. [0381] (Pause.) [0382] And so on. [0383] (Pause.) [0384] Be again. [0385] (Pause.) [0386] All that old misery. [0387] (Pause.) [0388] Once wasn't enough. [0389] (Pause.) [0390] Lie down across her. ([0391] Long pause. [0392] He suddenly bends to machine, switches off, wrenches off tape, throws it away, puts on [p. 4r]the other, winds it to the passage he wants, switches on, listens staring front.

[0393] - gooseberries, she said. [0394] I said again I thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed, without opening her eyes. [0396] I asked her to look at me and after a moment or so [/] ^{- (Pause) - after a moment or so} she did, but her eyes just slits because of the glare. [0397] I ^bent over her to get them in the shadow and they opened. ([0398] Pause.) [0402] We drifted in among ^the reeds and stuck. [0403] The way they ^bent, sighing, before the stem. [0405] I lay down across her with my face in her breasts and my hand on her. [0406] We lay without moving. [0407] But under us all moved and moved us, up and down, and from side to side.

[0408] Pause.

[0411] Past midnight. [0412] Never knew such silence.

[0414] Pause.

[0415] Here I end this ^{, - (hesitates) - stage.} [0416] ^{box - (pause) - four, number - (pause) - three.} [0417] ^(Pause.) [0418] Perhaps my best years are ^past. [0419] When there was a chance of happiness. [0420] But I wouldn't want them back. [0421] Not with the fire in me now. [0422] No, I wouldn't ^want them back.