
Tape |
[0105] Pause. [0106] The grain, what do I mean by that, I mean...(Pause.) I suppose I mean those things worth having when all the dust has - when all this dust has settled. [0107] I close my eyes and try and imagine them. [0108] Pause. [0110] Extraordinary silence this evening. I strain my ears and do not hear a sound. [0111] Old Miss Beamish always sings at this hour. [0113] [⁁] songs of her girlhood, she says.[⁁][←] [0126] Pause. [0127] I have just listened to an old year, [⁁]passages at random. [0128] I did not check in the book, but it must be at least twelve or fifteen years ago. [0129] At that time I was living on and off with Furry in Street. [⁁] [0131] [Insert][⁁] [0169] Pause. [0170] When I look - ([0171] A switches off machine, broods, looks at watch, gets up and goes backstage into shadows.
[0172] Pause of ten seconds.
[0173] Sound of cork popping.
[0174] Ten seconds.
[0175] Second cork.
[0176] Ten seconds.
[0177] Third cork. [0178] Ten seconds.
[0179] (Brief burst of raucous song.)
[0183] He comes back into light from an unexpected angle, front right , sits down, resumes his pose, switches on machine.) [0184] - back on the year that is gone,
[/] [0243] Pause. [0244] Intellectually a year of profound gloom until that wonderful night in March, at the end of the pier, in the high wind, when suddenly I saw the whole thing. [0245] The turning-point, at last.[⁁] [0246] This I imagine is what I have chiefly to set down this evening, against the day when my work will be done and perhaps no place in my memory, and no thankfulness, for the miracle that -[⁁] - (Pause) - for the fire that set it alight.[⁁] [0247] What I saw then was that the assumption I had been going on all , my life, namely - [0248] (He switches off machine impatiently, winds tape forward, switches on again) [0249] - granite rocks the foam flying up in the light of the beacon and the anemometer spinning like a propellor, clear to me at last that the dark I have struggled to keep at bay is in reality my most valuable - [0250] (He curses, switches off, winds tape forward, switches on again) [0251] - strange association till my dying day of storm and night with the light of understanding and the - [0252] (He curses louder, switches off, winds tape forward, switches on again) [0253] - my face in her breasts and my hand on her. [0254] We lay there without moving. [0255] But underneath us all moved, and moved us, gently, up and down, and from side to side. [0256] Pause. [0257] Past midnight. [0258] Never knew such a silence. [0260] Pause. [0261] Here I end this - |
[0262] He switches off, winds tape back, switches on again.
[0263] - upper lake, with the punt, bathed off the bank, then pushed out into the stream and drifted. [0264] She lay stretched out on the floorboards with her hands under her head and her eyes closed. [0265] Blazing sun, with a bit of a breeze, and the water nice and lively. [0266] I noticed a scratch on her thigh and asked her how she got it. [0267] Picking gooseberries, she said. [0268] I said again I thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed, without opening her eyes. [0270] I asked
[0282] Pause. |
[0285] He switches off, sits brooding, [0286] fumbles in his waistcoat pockets, takes out an old envelope, fumbles, puts back the envelope,[/] looks at his watch, gtes
up and goes right into shadows. [0287] Ten seconds. [0288] Sound of bottle against glass, then brief siphon. [0289] Ten seconds. [0290] Bottle against glass alone. [0291] Fifteen seconds. [0292] He comes back front left into light, with an unused tape in his hand, sits down, takes tape off machine and lays it on table, puts other tape on machine, takes envelope from his pocket, lays it on the table, switches on and begins to record.
[0293] Just been listening to that stupid bastard I was 30 years ago, find it hard to believe I was ever as bad as that. [0296] The eyes she had! ([0297] Broods, realizes he is recording silence, switches off, broods.) [0299] Everything there, everything, all the - [0300] (Realizes this is not being recorded, switches on.) [0301] Everything there, every-[⁁]thing on earth,, all the light and dark of the [0322] Nothing to say. [0323] What's a year now? [0324] Reverie and [⁁] galloping constipation. [0326] gloried in the word spool [0331] Seventeen copies sold, one pound six and something, eight probably. [0332] Getting known . [0336] Crawled out once or twice, before the summer was over. [0337] Sat in the park in the middle of the brats and skivvies, dreaming and wishing I were gone. [0340] Last fancies. [0342] Swore to keep them at bay. [0342|001] Aspirations. [0342|002] Resolutions. [0344] Burnt the eyes out of me reading Effie again, a page a day, with tears again. [0347] Could have been happy with her, up there on the cold sea, and the pines, and the dunes. [0348] (Pause.) [0348|001] DOODLE 4Chinese (Chinks) occupied Dublin. Poor devils. [0355] Fanny came in a couple of times. [0356] Fat old whore. [0357] Couldn't do much, but better than nothing. [0358] The last time wasn't so bad. [0359] How do you do it, she said, at your age? [0360] I told her I'd been saving up for her all my life. [0361] (Pause.) [0362] Went to vespers once, first time since I left school,. [0367] Slept. [0368] (Pause.) [0369] Sometimes wondered in the night if a last effort mightn't - [0370] (Pause.) [0371] Empty the bottle now and get to your bed. [0372] Finish this puke tomorrow. [0373] Or leave it at that. [0374] (Pause.) [0375] Leave it at that. [0376] (Pause.) [0377] Lie propped up on my back in the dark, and wanderroam. [0377|001] (Pause.) [0378] Be again in the dingle on a Xmas Eve, picking holly. [0379] (Pause.) [0380] Be again on Croghan on a Sunday morning [⁁], in the snow, with the bitch [⁁] stop and listen to the bells. [0381] (Pause.) [0382] And so on. [0383] (Pause.) [0384] Be again. [0385] (Pause.) [0386] All that old misery. [0387] (Pause.) [0388] Once wasn't enough. [0389] (Pause.) [0390] Lie down across her. ([0391] Long pause.
[0392] He suddenly bends to machine, switches off, wrenches off tape, throws it away, puts on [0393] - gooseberries, she said. [0394] I said again I thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed, without opening her eyes. [0396] I asked her to look at me and after a moment or so [/] [0408] Pause. [0411] Past midnight. [0412] Never knew such silence. [0414] Pause. [0415] Here I end this , - (hesitates) - stage. [0416] box - (pause) - four, number - (pause) - three. [0417] (Pause.) [0418] Perhaps my best years are past. [0419] When there was a chance of happiness. [0420] But I wouldn't want them back. [0421] Not with the fire in me now. [0422] No, I wouldn't want them back. |
[0423] A sits motionless staring before him. [0424] The tape runs on in silence.
[0425] Curtain
for
Jake Schwartz
Sam. Beckett
March 1958