MS-UoR-1227-7-7-1

[0183|001] - a moment in the life of all pioneers

[0086] Thirty-seven today, sound apparently in wind and limb, apart from my old trouble, and intellectually, I have little doubt, at the peak of my powers, or thereabouts. [0087] Celebrated the occasion, as in xxx recent years, quietly at the Winehouse. [0088] No one there I knew. [0089] Sat by the fire ^{[place = supralinear] looking into the fire with closed eyes} turning over in my mind winnowing, out as it went separating the grain from the chaff. [0090] Jotted down a few notes, on the back of an envelope. [0091] It is good to be home again, in my old things. [0097] The new light above my desk is a great improvement. [0098] With all this darkness round me, I am less alone. [0099] (Pause.) [0100] In a way. [0101] (Pause.) [0102] I like to get up and move about in it, then come back here to...(he hesit he hesitates)... myself.

[0105] Pause.

[0106] The grain, what do I mean by that, I mean ... (Pause.) I suppose I mean those

[0106] things that will matter to me ^{[place = supralinear] worth the recalling having} 20 years xxx xxx xxx in later life when all the dust has - this when all this dust has settled. [0107] I try to be the old man who one day perhaps will listen to this I close my eyes and try and imagine them.

[0108] Pause.

[0110] Extraordinary silence this evening ^{[place = supralinear] this evening}. I strain my ears and do not hear a sound. [0111] ^{[place = infralinear] Miss Williams Old Miss Williams always sings at this hour.} [0112] ^{[place = infralinear] But not this evening.} [0112|001] ^{[place = infralinear] I hope nothing has happened to her.}

[0126] Pause.

[0127] I have just listened to one of the old ^{[place = supralinear] an old year,} tapes, passages at random. [0128] I did not check it in the catalogue ^{[place = supralinear] register}, but it must be ^{[place = supralinear] at least} ten or twelve years ago. [0129] I was living then with Alba, in xxx alley ^{[place = facing leaf] At that time I was living off and on} in ? street. [0141] I must say I - (A stops machine, broods at length, starts machine again.) - find it a great h this a great help before embarking on a new .. er .. review review. [0142] I find it hard to believe that young man was I. [0143] Even the voice is unfamiliar. [0145] Aspirations, [0147] resolutions. [0149] To drink less, in particular. [0152] He speaks of 17 hundred hours, out of the preceding 8000 odd, spent ^{[place = supralinear] consumed} on licensed premises alone. [0155] Plans for a fuller sexual life. [0156] Last illness of his father. [0156|001] References to his life'swork. [0164] Closing with a - (brief laugh) - an appeal to Providence. [0165] (Prolonged laugh.) [0166] What remains of all that twaddle ^{[place = supralinear] lumber}, [0167] a girl in a shabby green coat, on a railway-station platform?

[0169] Pause.

[0170] When I look -

[0184] back on the year that

[0184] is gone, with ^{[place = supralinear] the old} eyes to be, there is of course xx ^{[place = supralinear] the} house on the canal where mother died ^{[place = supralinear] lay dying}, in the early autumn, after her long widowhood, and the [0207] bench by the weir where I used to sit, day after day, ^{[place = supralinear] watching her window, xx} wishing she were dead. [0223] I was there when the blind went down, throwing a ball for a dog I remember. from where I could see her window. [0208] I used to sit there, day after day, wishing she were dead ^{[place = supralinear] gone}. [0210] Quite a number of people I got to xx know then, by appearances, nurses ^{[place = supralinear] nursemaids} and children, old men, and dogs. ^{[place = facing leaf] [0211] One dark young woman I remember particularly, with a [place = supralinear] big black pram. [0211|001] Whenever I look Day after day. [0212] Whenever I looked in her direction she had her eyes on me. [0213] But when at last I spoke [place = supralinear] ventured to speak to her she threatened to call a policeman. [0217] Lovely face she had, [0218] eyes [0219] like ... moonstone.} [0223] I was there when the blind went down, throwing a ball for a dog as xx xxx it happened. (A switches off, broods, switches on again) - the blind went down, the throwing a ball for a dog as it happened. [0224] I xx looked up and there it was. [0226] I x sat on for a few minutes with the [⁁] ^{[place = supralinear] ball in my hand and} dog barking ^{[place = supralinear] and pawing} at me. [0233] Then I held out the ball to me ^{[place = supralinear] it out to me him} and he took it in his mouth, very gently. [0234] An old ^{[place = supralinear] black} tennis ball it was, all black and sodden, but not punctured. [0235] (Pause.) [0236] I wonder is that the kind of thing. ^{[place = supralinear] how much there is there}.

[0241] Pause

[0244] Creatively ^{[place = supralinear] Intellectually} a disheartening year ^{[place = supralinear] year of discouragement} until that unforgettable day ^{[place = supralinear] night} in March, [⁁] ^{[place = supralinear] at the end of the pier, [⁁] [place = facing leaf] in the high wind} when I suddenly saw the whole thing. [0246] This, is what I have I realized in the Winehouse, is what I have chiefly to record this evening against the day when all my work is ^{[place = supralinear] will be} done and perhaps no place in my ^{[place = supralinear] place} left in my memory for ^{[place = supralinear] of} the wonder that made it possible place left in my memory, and no thankfulness for the wonder that made it possible. [0247] What I saw then was briefly this. The principles on which had been The assumption on which I had going

[0247] been going all these years, namely that - [0248] (A switches xxx off machine, winds tape forward, switches on again) [0249] - granite rocks the foam flying up in the light of the beacon and the anemometer spinning like a propellor, clear to me at last that the dark I have struggled to keep out of my work is in reality its true - [0250] (Curses, switches off, winds forward, switches on) [0251] - strange association till my dying day of storm and night with the light of understanding and the peace - [0252] (Curses louder, switches off, winds forward, switches on..) [0253] - my hand across ^{[place = supralinear] face buried in} her breasts and my hand on her ^{[place = supralinear] .} [0254] ^{[place = supralinear] We lay there} without moving. [0255] But underneath us all moved and moved us, gently, up and down, and ^{[place = supralinear] to and fro} from side to side.

[0256] (Pause.)

[0257] Mi Past midnight. [0258] I n ^{[place = overwritten] N}ever re- ^{[place = inline] knew} member such a silence. [0261] The coming year

[0260] (Pause.)

[0261] The coming year will decide. May I be given the strength and the -

[0262] (A switches off, winds back tape, switches on again.)

[0263] - upper lake, with the boat ^{[place = supralinear] punt}, bathed off the bank bathed ^{[place = inline] off the bank,} then pushed out, to the island pushed out ^{[place = supralinear] into the stream} and drifted. [0264] She lay stretched out on the floorboards with her hands under her head and her eyes closed. [0265] Hot sun, with a bit of a breeze and the water nice and lively. [0266] I noticed a scratch on her thigh and asked her when ^{[place = supralinear] how} she got it. [0267] Picking gooseberries, she said. [0268] I said xxx I thought it was hopeless and no good going on, and she agreed, without opening her xx eyes. [0270] I asked her to look at me and after a moment she did, but just slits, because

[0270] of the sun. glare. [0271] I bent over her to get them in the shadow and they opened. ([0272] Pause.) [0276] We drifted into the ^{[place = supralinear] in among a patch of} reeds and got stuck. [0277] The noise ^{[place = supralinear] way} they made going ^{[place = supralinear] went} down under the blunt ^{[place = supralinear] xxx [place = supralinear] blunt} stem, hissing. [0279] I went down across her lay down across ^{[place = supralinear] her} with my face in her breasts and my hand on her. [0280] We lay there without moving. [0281] But underneath us all moved, and moved us, ^{[place = supralinear] gently} up and down, and to and fro.

[0282] (Pause.)

[0283] Past midnight. [0284] Never knew -

[0293] Just been listening to that stupid bastard I was 30 years ago, hard to believe I was ever as bad as that. [0293|001] xxx xxx with them and xxx xxx xxx, xxx xx xxx xxx [0296] The eyes she had! ([0297] Broods, realizes he is recording silence, switches off. Broods.) [0299] Everything there, everything, all the - [0300] (Realizes this is not being recorded, switches on.) [0301] Everything there, everything every bleeding thing,