MS-WU-MSS008-2-47

[0681] on it, but it is too far away. [0684] It is such a night as Kaspar
David Friedrich loved, tempestuous and bright. [0685] That name that
comes back to me, those names. [0686] The clouds scud, tattered by the w
wind, across a limpid ground. [0687] If I had the patience to wait I
would see the moon. [0688] But I have not. [0689] Now that I have looked I hear
the wind. [0690] I close my eyes and it mingles with my breath. [0691] Words
and images run riot in my head, pursuing, flying, clashing,
merging, endlessly.

[0692] But beyond this tumult there is a great calm,
and a great indifference, [0693] never really to be troubled by abything
anything ever^[₰] again. [0696] I turn a little on my side, press my mouth
against the pillow, and my nose, crush against the pillow my old
hairs now no doubt as white as snow, pull the blanket over my
head. [0697] I feel, deep down in my trunk, I cannot be more explicit,
pains that seem new to me. [0698] I think they are chiefly in my back.
[0699] They have a kind of rhythm, they even have a kind of little tune.

[0700] They are bluish. [0701] How bearable all that is, my God. [0702] My head is
almost facing the wrong way, like a bird's. [0703] I part my lips, now
I have the pillow in my mouth. [0704] I have, I have. [0705] I suck. [0706] The search
for myself is ended. [0707] I am buried in the world, I knew I would
find my place there one day, the old world cloisters me, victor-
ious. [0708] I am happy, I knew [^start] I would be happy one day. [0709] But I am not
wisz^e.

[0710] For the wise thing now would be to let go, at this instant
of happiness. [0711] And what do I do? [0712] I go back again to the light, to
the fields I so longed to love, to the sky all astir with little
white clouds as white and light as snowflakes, to the life I could
never manage, through my own fault perhaps, through pride, or
pettiness, but I don't think so. [0713] The beasts are at pasture, the