MS-HRC-SB-4-3

[0001] I shall soon be quite dead at last in spite of all. [0002] Perhaps
next month. [0003] Then it will be the month of April or of May. [0004] For
the year is still young, a thousand little signs tell me so.
[0005] Perhaps I am wrong, perhaps I shall survive Saint John the
Baptist's Day and even the Fourteenth of July, festival of
freedom. [0006] Indeed I would not put it past me to pant on to the
Transif^figuration, not to speak of the Assumption.

[0007] But I do not
think so, I do not think I am wrong in saying that these
rejoicings will take place in my absence, this year. [0008] I have
that feeling, I have had it now for some days, and I credit it.
[0009] But in what does it differ from those that have abused me ever
since I was born? [0010] No, that is the kind of bait I do not rise to
any more, my need for prettiness is gone.

[0011] I could die to-day, if
I wished, merely by making a little effort, if I could wish,
if I could make an effort. [0012] But it is just as well to let myself
die, quietly, without rushing things. [0013] Something must have changed.
[0014] I will not weigh upon the balance any more, one way or the other.
[0015] I shall be neutral and inert. [0016] No difficulty there. [0017] Throes are the
only trouble, I must be on my guard against throes.

[0018] But I am less
given to them now, since coming here. [0019] Of course I still have my
little fits of impatience, from time to time, [0020] I must be on my
guard against them, for the next for^t[⁁]night or three weeks. [0021] With-
out exaggeration to be sure, quietly crying and laughing, without
working myself up into a state. [0022] Yes, I shall be natural at last,