MS-WU-MSS008-3-49

[1860] all my life, I think I had been going to my mother, with the purpose of
establishing our relations on a less precarious footing. [1861] And when I was
with her, and I often succeeded, I left her without having done anything.
[1862] And when I was no longer with her I wq^as again on my way to her, hoping to
do better the next time. [1863] And when I appeared to give up and to busy
myself with something else, or with nothing at all any more, in reality
I was hatching my plans and seeking the way to her house.

[1864] This is taking
a queer turn. [1865] So even without this so-called imperative I impugn, it
would have been difficult for me to stay in the forest, since I was
forced to assume my mother was not there. [1866] And yet it might have been
better for me to try and stay. [1867] But I also said, Yet a little while, at
the rate things are going, and I won't be able to move, but will have to
stay, where I happen to be, unless someone comes and carries me.

[1868] Oh I
did not say it in such limpid language. [1869] And when I say I said, etc.,
all I mean is that I knew confusedly things were so, without knowing
exactly what it was all about.

[1870] And every time I say, I said this, or,
I said that, or speak of a voice saying, far away inside me, Molloy,
and then a fine phrase more or less clear and simple, a^or find myself
compelled to attribute to others intelligible words, or hear my own
voice uttering to others more or less articulate sounds, I am merely
complying with the demands of the convention that you lie or hold your
peace.

[1871] For what really happened was quite different. [1872] And I did not
say, Yet a little while, at the rate things are going, etc., but that
resembled perhaps what I would have said, if I had been able. [1873] In reality
I said nothing at all, but I heard a murmur, something gone wrong with
the silence, and I pricked up my ears, like an animal I imagine, who
gives a start and pretends to be dead. [1874] And then sometimes there arose
in me, confusedly, a kind of consciousness, which I exr^p8^ressed by saying,
I said, etc., or, Don't do it Molloy, or, Is that your mother's name?