[2284] Even if the^re were things, a thing somewhere, a ^{[⁁] scrap} of nature, to talk about, you might reconcile yourself to having no one left, to being yourself the talker, if only there were a thing somewhere, to talk about, even though you couldn't see it, or know what it was, simply to feel it there, with you, somewhere, you might have the courage not to go silent, no, it's to go silent that you need courage, for you'll be punished, punished for having gone silent, and yet you can't do otherwise than go silent, than be punished for having gone silent, than be punished for having been punished, since you begin again, your breath fails, if only there w^ere a thing, but there it is, there is not , they took away things when they departed, they took away nature, there was never anyone, anyone[p. 124r] but me, anything but me, talking to me of me, impossible to stop, impossible to go on, but I must go on, I'll go on, without anyone, without anything, but me, but my voice, that is to say I'll stop, I'll end, it's the end already, short-lived, what is it, a little hole, you go down into it, into the silence, it's worse than the noise, you listen, it's worse than talking, no, not worse, no worse, you wait, anxious, have they forgotten ^{[⁁] me}, no, yes, no, someon^e calls me, I ^crawl out again, what is it, a little hole, in the wilderness. [2285] It's the end that is the worst, no, it's the beginning that is the worst, then the middle, then the end, in the end it's the end that is the worst, this voice which, it's every second that is the worst, it's a chronicle, the seconds pass, one after another, jerkily, no flow, they don't pass, they arrive, bang, bang, they bang into you, bounce off, fall and never move again, when you have nothing left to say you talk of time, seconds of time, there are some people add them together to make a life, I can't, each one is the first, no, the second, or the third, I'm three seconds old, oh not every day of the week. [2286] I've been away, done something, been in a hole, , I've just ^crawled out, perhaps I went silent, no, I say that in order to say something, in order to go on a little ^longer, you must go ^on a little ^longer, you must go on a long time more, you must go on for ever more, if I could reme^mber what I have said I could repeat it, if I could learn something by heart I'd be saved, I have to keep on saying the same thing and each time it's an effort, the seconds must be all alike and each one is infernal, what am I saying now, I'm saying I wish I knew. [2287] And yet I have memories, I remember Worm, that is to say I have retained the name, and the other one, what is his name, what was his name, in his jar, I can see him still, better than I can see me, I know how he lived, now I remember, I alone saw him, but no one sees me, no^r him, I don't see him any more, Mahood, he was called Mahood, I don't see him any more, I don't know how he lived any more, he isn't there any more, he was never there, in hi^s jar, I never saw him, aⁿd yet I remember, I remember having talked[p. 125r] about him, I must have talked about him, the same words recur and they are my memories. [2288] It is I invented him, him and so many others, and the places where they passed, the places where they stayed, in order to be able to speak, since I had to speak, without speaking of me, I couldn't speak of me, I was never told I had to speak of me, I invented my memories, without knowing what I was doing, not one is of me. [2289] It is they asked me to speak of them, they wanted to know what they were, how they lived, that suited me, I thought that would suit me, since I had nothing to say and had to say something. [2290] I thought I was free to say any old thing, so long as I didn't go silent. [2291] Then I said to myself that after all it was not necessarily any old thing, the thing I was saying, that it might well be the thing demanded of me, assuming something was being demanded of me. [2292] No, I didn't think anything and I didn't say anything to myself, I did what I could, a thing beyond my strength, and often for exhaustion I gave up doing it, and yet it went on being done, the voice being heard, the voice which could not be mine, since I had none left, and yet which could only be mine, since I could not go silent, and since I was alone, in a place where no voice could reach me. [2293] Yes, in my life, since we must call it so, there were three things, the inability to speak, the inability to be silent, and solitude, physical I mean of course, that's the bad job I've made the ^worst of. [2294] Yes, now I can speak of my life, I'm too tired for ⁿiceties, but I don't know if I ever lived, I have ^really no opinion on the subject. [2295] However that may be I think I'll soon go silent for good, in spite of its being prohibited. [2296] Then, yes, just like that, just like one of the living, then I'll be dead, I'll soon be dead, I hope I'll find that a change. [2297] I should have liked to go silent first, there were moments I thought that would be my reward for having spoken so long and so valiantly, to enter living into silence, so as to be able to enjoy it, no, I don't know why, so as to feel myself silent, one with all this quiet air shattered unceasingly by my voice alone, no, it's not real air, I can't say it, I can't say why I should have liked to go silent before being dead, so as in the end to be a little as I always was[p. 126r] and never could be, without fear o^f worse to come peacefully in the place where I always was and could never rest in peace, no, I don't know, it's simpler than that, I wanted myself, in my own land for a brief space, I didn't want to die a stranger in the midst of strangers, a stranger in my own midst, surrounded by invaders, no, I don't know what I wanted, I don't know what I thought, I must have wanted so many things, imagined so many things, while I was talking, without knowing exactly what, enough to go blind, with longings and visions, mingling and merging in one another, I'd have been better employed minding what I was saying. [2298] Anyway it didn't happen ^like ^that, it happened ^{[⁁] like this,} as it is happening now, that is to say, I don't know, one mustn't believe what I'm saying, I don't know what I'm saying, I'm doing as I always did, I'm going on as best I can. [2299] As to believing I shall go silent for good and all, I don't believe it particularly, I always believed it, as I always believed I would never go silent, you can't call that believing, it's my walls. [2300] But has nothing really changed, all this time? [2301.1] If instead of having something to say I had something to do, with my hands, or my ^feet, some little job, sorting out things for example, or simply arranging things, suppose for the sake of a^rgument I had the job of moving things from one place to another, then I'd know where I was, an^d how far I had got, no, not necessarily, I can see it from here, they ^would contrive things in such a way that I couldn't suspect the two vessels, the one to be emptied and the one to be filled, of being in reality one and the same, it would be water, water, with my thimble I'd go and draw it from one containe^r and ^then I'd go and pour it into another, or there would be four, or a hundred, half of them to be filled, the other half to be emptied, numbered, the even to be emptied, the uneven to be filled, [2301.2] no, it would be more co^mplicated, less symmetrical, no matter, to be emptied, and filled, in a certain way, in a certain order, ^{in accordance} ^with certain ^homologies, ^{[⁁] the word is not too strong,} so that I'd have to think, ^tanks,[p. 127r] communicating, communicating, connected by pipes under the floor, I can see it from here, always showing the same level, no, that wouldn't work, too hopeless, ^{they'd arrange for me to} have little ^attacks of hope from time to time, yes, with pipes and taps, I can see it from here, so that I ^might ^{fool myself} from time to time, if I had that to do, instead of this, some little job with fluids, filling and emptying, always the same vessel, I'd ^{[⁁] be good at that,} it would be a better life than this, [2301.3] no, I ^mustn't complain, I'd have a body, I wouldn't have to ^speak, I'd hear my steps, almost without ceasing, and the noise of the water, and the crying of the air trapped in the pipes, I don't understand, I'd have ^bouts of ^zeal, I'd say to m^yself, The quicker I do it the quicker it will be done, the things one has to listen to, that's where hope would come in, it wouldn't be dark, impossible to do such work in the dark, that depends, yes, I must say I see no window, from here, whereas here that ^has no importance, that I see no window, here I ^needn't come and go, fortunately, I couldn't , nor be dexterous, for naturally the water would have great value and the least drop ^spilt on the way, or in the act of drawing, or in the act of pouring, would cost me dear, and howcould you know, in the dark, if a drop, [2301.4] what's this story, it's a story, now I've told another little story, about me, about the life ^that might have been mine for all the difference it would have made, which was perhaps mine, perhaps I went through that before being deemed worthy ^{of going} through this, who know^s ^for what high destiny I am ^heading, unless I am coming from it. [2302] But once again the fable must be of another, I see him so well, coming and going among his casks, trying to stop his hand from trembling, dropping his thimble, listening to it bouncing and rolling on the floor, scraping around for it with his foot, going ^down on his knees, going ^down on his belly, crawling, it stops there, that must have been ^I, but I never saw myself, so it can't be ^I, I don't know, how can I recognize myself who never made my acquaintance, it stops there, that's all I know, I don't see him any more, I'll never see him again, yes I will, now he's[p. 128r] there, with the others, I won't name them ^{[⁁] again}, you say that ^{[⁁] for something to say}, you say anything ^{[⁁] for something to say}, some do this, others that, he does as I said, I don't remember, he'll come back, to keep me company, only the wicked are solitary, I'll see him again, it's hⁱs fault, his fault for wanting to know what he was like, and how he lived, or he'll never come back, it's one or the other, they don't all come back, I mean there must ^be some I have only seen once, up to now, very true, it's only beginning, I feel the end at hand and the beginning likewise, to every man his orbit, that's obvious. [2303] But, and here I return to the charge, but has nothing really changed, all this mortal time, I'm speaking now of me, yes, henceforward I shall speak of none but me, that's decided, even though I may not succeed, there's no reason why I should succeed, so ^{I needn't hesitate.} [2304] Nothing changed? [2305] I must be aging all the same, bah, I was always aged, always aging, and aging makes no difference, not to mention that all this is not about me, hell, I've contradicted myself, no matter. [2306] So long as one does not know what one is saying and can't ^stop to ⁱnqui^re, in tranquillity, fortunately, fortunately, one would like to stop, but unconditionally, I resume, so long as, so long as, let me see, so long as one, so long as he, ah ^bugger all that, so long as this, then that, agreed, that's good enough, I nearly got stuck. [Beginning of Texas Quarterly extract] [2307.1] Help, help, if I could only describe this place, I who am so good at describing places, walls, ceilings, floors, they are my speciality, doors, windows, what haven't I imagined in the way of windows in the course of my career, some opened on the sea, all you could see was sea and sky, if I could put myself in a room, that would be the end of the wordhunt, even doorless, even windowless, nothing but the four surfaces, the six surfaces, if I could shut myself up, it would be a mine, it could be black dark, I could be fixed and motionless, I'd find a way to explore it, I'd listen to the echo, I'd get to know it, I'd get to remember it, I'd get to imagine it, I'd be home, I'd say what it's like, in my home, instead of any old thing, this place, if I could