[2307.1] Help, help, if I could only describe this place, I who am so good at describing places, walls, ceilings, floors, they are my speciality, doors, windows, what haven't I imagined in the way of windows in the course of my career, some opened on the sea, all you could see was sea and sky, if I could put myself in a room, that would be the end of the ^wordy-gurdy, even doorless, even windowless, nothing but the four surfaces, the six surfaces, if I could shut myself up, it would be a mine, it could be black dark, I could be motionless and fixed, I'd find a way to explore it, I'd listen to the echo, I'd get to know it, I'd get to remember it, I'd get to imagine it, I'd be home, I'd say what it's like, in my home, instead of any old thing, this place, if I could describe this place, portray it, I've tried, I feel no place, no place round me, [2307.2] there's no end to me, I don't know what it is, it isn't flesh, it doesn't end, it's like air, now I have it, this time it's I, you say that, ^{to say something} you won't say it long, like gas, balls, balls, the place, then we'll see, first the place, then I'll find me in it, I'll put me in it, a s^olid lump, in the middle, or in a corner, well propped up on three sides, the place, if only I could feel a place for me, I've tried, I'll try again, none was ever mine, that sea under my window, higher than my window, and the rowboat, do you remember, and the river, and the bay, I knew I had memories, pity they are not of me, and the stars, and the beacons, and the lights of the buoys, and the mountain burning, it was the time nothing was too good for me, [2307.3] the others benefited by it, they died like flies, or the forest, a roof is not indispensable, an interior, if I could be in a forest, caught in a thicket, or wandering round in circles, that would be the end of this blither, I'd describe the leaves, one by one, at the moment of their growing, at the moment of their giving shade, at the moment of their falling, at the moment of their rotting, those are good moments, for one who has not to say, But ^{it's not} I, ^{it's not} I, where am I, what am I doing, all this time, as if that mattered, but there it is, that takes the heart out of you, your heart isn't in it any more, your heart that was, among the brambles, cradled by the shadows, you try the sea, you try the town, you look for yourself in the mountains and the plain, it's only natural, you want yourself, you want yourself in your own little corner, it's not love, it's not curiosity, it's because you^'re tired, you want to stop, travel no more, seek no more, lie no more, speak no more, close your eyes, but your own, in a word lay your hands on yourself, after that you'll make short work of it. [2308] I notice one thing, the others have vanished, completely, [2309] I don't like it. [2310] Notice, I notice nothing, I go on as best I can, if it begins to mean something I can't help it, I have passed by here, this has passed ^by me, thousands of times, it's turn has come ^again, it will pass on and something else will be there, another instant of my old instant, there it is, the old meaning that I'll give myself, that I won't be able to give myself, there's a god[p. EXTRACT2-02r] for the damned, as on the first day, today is the first day, it begins, I know it well, I'll remember it as I go along, all adown it I'll be born and born, births for nothing, and come to night without having been. [2311] Look at this Tunis pink, it's dawn. [2312] If I could only shut myself up, quick, I'll shut myself up, it won't be I, quick, I'll make a place, it won't be mine, it doesn't matter, I don't feel any place for me, perhaps that will come, I'll make it mine, I'll put myself in it, I'll put someone in it, I'll find someone in it, I'll put myself in him, I'll say he's I, perhaps he'll keep me, perhaps the place will keep us, me inside the other, the place all round us, it will be over, all over, I won't have to move anymore, I'll close my eyes, ^all I'll have to do is talk, that will be easy, I'll have things to say, I'll talk about ^me, about my life, I'll make it a good one, I'll know who's talking, and about what, I'll know where I am, perhaps I'll be able to go silent, perhaps that's all they are waiting for, there they are again, to pardon me, waiting for me to reach home, to pardon me, it's the lie they refuse to stop, I'll close my eyes, be happy at last, that's the way it is this morning. [2313] Morning, I call that morning, that's right, shilly-shally a little longer, I call that morning, I haven't many words, I haven't much choice, I don't choose, the word came, I should have avoided this bright stain, it's the ^dayspring, but it doesn't last, I know it, I call that the ^dayspring, if you could only see it. [2314] I'm off, you wouldn't think so, perhaps it's my last gallop, ^{I smell the stable,} I always smelt the stable, it's I smell of the stable, there's no other stable but me, for me. [2315.1] No, I won't do it, what won't I do, as if that depended on me, I won't seek my ^home any more, I don't know what I'll do, it would be occupied already, there would be someone there already, someone far gone, he wouldn't want me, I can understand him, I'd disturb him, what am I going to say now, I'm going to ask myself, I'm going to ask questions, that's a good stopgap, not that I'm in any danger of stopping, then why all this fuss, that's right, questions, I know millions, I must know millions, and then there are plans, when questions fail there are always plans, you say what you'll say and what you won't say, that doesn't commit you to anything and the evil moment passes, it drops stone dead, suddenly you hear yourself talking about god knows what as if you had done nothing else all your life, and neither have you, you come back from a far place, back to life, that's where you should be, that's where you are, far from here, far from everything, if I could only go there, if I could only describe it, I who am so good at topography, [2315.2] that's right, aspirations, when plans fail there are always aspirations, it's a knack, you must say it slowly, If only this, if only that, that gives you time, time for a cud ^of longing to rise up in the back of your gullet, nothing remains but to look as if you enjoyed chewing it, there's no knowing where that may lead you, on tracks as beaten as the day is long, often you pass yourself by, someone passes himself by, if only you knew, that's right, aspirations, you turn and look behind you, so does the other, you weep for him, he weeps for you, it's screamingly sad, better that than laughter. [2316] What else, opinions, comparisons, anything better than laughter, all[p. EXTRACT2-03r] helps, can't help helping, to get you over the pretty pass, the things you have to listen to, what pretty pass, it is not I speak^ing, is it I hear^ing, let us not go into that, let us go on as if I were the only one in the world, whereas I'm the only one absent from it, or with others, what difference does it make, others present, others absent, they are not obliged to make themselves manifest, all that is needed is to wander and let wander, from word to word, be this slow boundless whirlwind and each particle of ^its dust, it's impossible. [2317] Someone speaks, someone hears, no need to go any further, it is not he, it's I, or another, or others, what does it matter, the case is clear, it is not he, he who I know I am, that's all I know, who I cannot say I am, I can't say anything, I've tried, I'm trying, he knows nothing, knows ^about nothing, neither what i^t is to speak, nor what it is to hear, to know nothing, to be capable of nothing, and to have to try, you don't try any more, no need to try, it goes on by itself, it drags on by itself, from word to word, a labouring whirl, you are in it somewhere, everywhere, not he, if I could forget him, have one second of this noise that carries me away, without having to say, I don't, I haven't time, It is not I, I am he, after all, why not, why not say it, I must have said it, as well that as anything else, it is not I, it is not I, I can't say it, it came like that, it comes like that, it is not I, if it could be about him, if this could come about him, I'd deny him, with pleasure, if that could help, it's I, here it's I, speak to me of him, let me speak of him, that's all I ask, I never asked for anything, make me speak of him, what a mess, now there is no one left, long may it last. [2318] In the end it comes to that, the survival of that alone, then the words come back, someone says I, unbelieving. [2319] If I could make an effort, an effort of attention, to try and discover what's happening, what's happening to me, what then, I don't know, I've forgotten my apodosis, but I can't, I don't hear any more, I'm sleeping, they call that sleeping, there they are again, we'll have to start killing them again, I hear this horrible noise, coming back takes time, I don't know where from, I was nearly there, I was nearly sleeping, I call that sleeping, there is no one but me, there was never anyone but me, here I mean, elsewhere is another matter, I was never elsewhere, here is my only elsewhere, it's I who do this thing and I who suffer it, it's not possible otherwise, it's not possible so, it's not my fault, all I can say is that it's not my fault, it's not anyone's fault, since there isn't anyone it can't be anyone's fault, since there isn't anyone but me it can't be mine, sometimes you'd think I was reasoning, that's all right with me, they must have taught me reasoning too, they must have begun teaching me, before they deserted me, I don't remember that period, but it must have marked me, I don't remember having been deserted, perhaps I received a shock. [2320] Strange, these phrases that die for no reason, strange, what's strange about it, here all is strange, all is strange when you come to think of it, no, it's coming to think of it that is strange, am I to suppose I am inhabited, I can't suppose anything, I have to go on, that's what I'm doing, let others suppose, there must be others in other[p. EXTRACT2-04r] elsewheres, each one in his little elsewhere, this word that keeps coming back, each one saying to himself, when the moment comes, the moment to say it, Let other^s suppose, and so on, so on, let others do this, others do that, if there are any, that helps you on, that helps you forward, I believe in progress, I know how to believe too, they must have taught me believing too, [2321] no, no one ever taught me anything, I never learnt anything, I've always been here, here there was never anyone but me, never, always, me, no one, old slush to be churned everlastingly, now it's slush, a minute ago it was dust, it must have rained.

(Translated by the author from the original French.)

[2319] [p. 133r] was reasoning, that's all right with me, they must have taught me ^reasoning, they m^ust have begun teaching me, before they abandoned me, I don't remember that period, but it must have marked me, I don't remember having been abandoned, perhaps I received a shock. [2320] Strange, these phrases that die for no reason, strange, what's strange about it, here all is strange, all is strange when you come to think of it, no, it's coming to think of it that is strange, am I to suppose I am ^inhabited, I can't suppose anything, I have to go on, that's what I'm doing, let others suppose, there must be others in other elsewheres, each one in his little elsewhere, this word that keeps coming back, each one saying to himself, when the moment comes, the moment to say it, Let others suppose, and so on, so on, let others do this, ^others do that, if there are any, that helps you on, you can say what you like, that helps you on, that helps you forward, I believe in progress, I know how to believe too, they must have ta^ught me ^believing too^, [2321] Nⁿo, no on^e ever taught me anything, I never learnt anything, I've always been here, here there was never anyone but me, never, always, me, no one, old slush to be churned eternally, now it's slush, a minute ago it was dust, it must have rained. [End of extract for Texas Quarterly] [2322.1] [^|]He must have travelled, he whose voice it is, he must have seen, with his eyes, a man or two, a thing or two, he must have been aloft, ⁱⁿ the light, or else he has heard tales, travellers found him out and told him tales, that pro^ves my innocence, who says, That proves my innocence, he, it's he who says it, or it's they who say it, yes, they, they who reason, they who believe, no, a single one, he who lived, or saw some who had, it's he who speaks of me, as if I were he, as if I were not he, both, and as if I were others, one after the other, he is the afflicted, [2322.2] I am afar, do you hear him, he says I'm afar, as if I were he, no, as if I were not he, for he is not afar, he is here, it's he who speaks, he says it's I, then he says it's not, I am afar, do you hear him, he se^eks me, I don't know why, he doesn't know why, he calls me, he wants me to come out, he thinks I can come out, he wants me to be he, or another, let us be fair, he wants me to rise up, up into him,[p. 134r] or into another, let us be impartial, he thinks he's ^caught me, he feels me in him, then he says I, as if I were he, or in another, let us be just, then he says Murphy, or Molloy, I forget, as if I were Malone, but their day is ^over, he wants none but himself, for me, he thinks it's his last chance, he thinks that, they taught him ^how to think, this, that, it's always he who speaks, Mercier never spoke, Moran never spoke, I never spoke, I seem to speak, that's because he says I as if it were I, I nearly believed him too, do you hear him, as if he were I, I who am afar, who can't move, can't be found, but neither can he, all he can ^do is talk, if he can do that much, perhaps it's not he at all, perhaps it's a ^multitude, one after the other, [2322.3] ^{what confusion}, someone ^mentions confusion, is it a ^sin, all here is ^sin, you don't know why, you don't know whose, you don't know towards whom, someone says you, it's the fault of the pronouns, there is no name for me, no pronoun for me, all the trouble comes from that, that, it's a kind of pronoun too, it isn't that either, I'm not that either, let us leave all that, forget about all that, it's not difficult, our concern is with someone, or ou^r concern is with something, ^{[⁁] now we've got it} at last, someone or something that is not there, or that is not anywhere, or that is there, here, why not, after all, and our concern is with speaking of that, now we have it, you don^t know why, why you must speak of that, but there it is, you can't, no one can speak of that, you speak of yourself, someone speaks of himself, that's it, in the singular, a single one, the man on duty, he, I, no matter, the man on duty speaks of himself, it's not that, of others, it's not that either, he doesn't know, how could he know whether he has spoken of that or not when speaking of himself, when speaking of others, when speaking of things, the man on duty, when speaking of himself, it's I, when speaking of myself, how can I know, I can't know, if I've spoken of him, I can only speak of me, no, I can't speak of anything, [2322.4] and yet I speak, perhaps it's of him, I'll never know, how could I know, who could know, who knowing could tell me, I don't know[p. 135r] who it's all about, that's all I know, no, I must know something else, they must have taught me something, it's about him who ^doesn't know anything, ^doesn't want anything, can^'t do anything, if ^it's possible that you can^'t do anything when you don't want anything, who can neither speak nor hear, who is I, who cannot be I, of whom I can't speak, of whom I must speak, ^that's all hypotheses, I ^{said nothing}, someone ^{said nothing}, ^it's not a question of hypotheses, it's a question of going on, it goes on, hypotheses are like everything else, they help you on, as if there we^re need of help, that's right, impersonally, as if there were any need of help to go on with a thing that can't stop, and yet it will, it will stop, do you hear, the voice says it will stop, some day, it says it will stop and it says it will never stop, [2322.5] fortunately I have no opinion, what would I have an opinion with, with my mouth perhaps, if it's mine, I don't feel a mouth on me, that means nothing, if I could only feel a mouth on me, if I could only feel something on me, I'll try, if I can, I know it's not I, that's all I know, I say I, knowing ^it's not I, I am afar, that's all I know, afar, what does that mean, afar, no need to be afar, perhaps ^he's here, in my arms, my arms, I don't feel any arms on me, if I could only feel something on me, it would be a starting-point, a starting-point, ah if I could only laugh, I know what it is, they must have told me what it is, but I can't do it, they can't have shown me how to do it, it must be one of those ^faculties that cannot be acquired.