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[2171] [p. 05r] Innocent of what, no one knows exactly, of wanting to know, of wanting to be able, of all all this noise, about nothing, of this long offence against the silence that enfolds us all, we won't ask any more what it covers, this innocence we have fallen into, it covers everything, all faults, all questions, it puts an end to questions. [2172] Then it will over, thanks to me it will be over, they'll depart, one by one, or they'll fall ^drop, xxx they'll let themselves drop, where they are, and never move again, thanks to me, who couldn't could understand nothing, of all they had deemed it their duty to say, do nothing of tell all, do nothing, of all they had deemed it their duty to tell me to do, and upon us all the silence will fall again, se and settle, like dust of sand, on the arena, after the massacres. [2173] Bewitching prospect if ever there was one, they beginning to come round to my opinion, after all it's possible I have one, they make me say, If only this, if only that, but the tho idea is theirs, no, the idea isn't theirs either. [2174] As far as I'm concerned there is every likelihood of my being incapable of desiring or deploring anything whatsoever. [2175] For it would seem difficult for some one, if I may so describe myself, to aspire towards a situation of which, nothwithstanding the enthusiastic descriptions lavished upon him, he has does not possess the remotest notion, or xxx or to desire with a straight face the cessation of that other, equally unintelligible, to which he never saw any alternatives. assigned to him once and for all. [2176] This silence they're always talking about, from which supposedly he came, to which he will return, his xxx as as soon as soon as he has performed his act is over, he doesn't know what it is, or what he is meant to do, in order to deserve it. [2177] That's the bright boy of the class speaking now, he's the one is always called to the rescue when things are going badly, he sp talks all the time about merit deservingness and situations, he has saved more than one, about suffering too, he knows how ^{knows how} to stimulate the flagging spirit, stop the rot, with the simple use of this big xxx bold word alone, even if he has to add, a moment later, when all danger is past, But what suffering, since he has always suffered, which compromises the situation again rather damps the rejoicings ^{throws rather a gloom over throws rather a gloom over the proceedings [⁁]}. [2178] But he soon makes up for it, he xxx he puts all to rights again, invoking the celebrated notions of quantity, addiction, xxx wear, and others too numerous for him to mention, which and which he is thus enabled can thus in the next belch declare inapplicable to the cause before him, for he doesn't know what it is to be at his wit's end. [2179] But, see above, have they not already bent over me till they were black in

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[2179] [p. 06r] the face, nay, have they xxx ^ever done any thing else, since pas ^during the past — no, no time indications whatever you do, and, another question, what am I doing in Mahood's story, and in Worm's, or rather what are they doing in mine, there are some irons in the fire, let them melt. ^{there are a few fish to fry, let them rot. [⁁]} (?) [2180.1] I know, I know, attention please, for the spilling of the beans, I know, it's xxx there's that's nothing new, it's xxx the same old ^all part of the same slick boloney, namely, But my dear man, come, be reasonable, look, this is you, look at this photograph, and here's your file, no convictions, I assure you, come now, make an effort, at your age, to have no identity, it's a scandal, I assure you, look at this photograph, what, you see nothing, true, no matter, here, look at this death's-head, you'll see, you'll be fine, it won't be lon last long, xxx here, look, here's the record, insults to policemen, indecent behaviour, sins against holy ghost, contempt of court, impertinence to superiors, cruelty to inferiors, impertinence to superiors, impudence to inferiors, deviations from reason, ^{insults to policemen, indecent behaviour, blasphemy, sins against the Holy Ghost contempt of court, impertinence to his superiors, cruelty to inferiors, violations of reason,} without battery, look, no battery, it's nothing, you'll be fine, you'll see, what I beg your pardon, does he work, good God no, out of the question, [2180.2] look, here's the medical report, spasmodic tabes, painless ulcers ? (gommes), I repeat, painless, everything is painless, multiple softenings, various hardenings, insensitive to blows, sight failing, bad in- digestion chronic indigestion, to be xxx xxx with a light diet, xxx shit well tolerated, hearing failing, sound sleeper, no erections, would you like some more heart irregular, sweet-tempered, smell failing, sound sleeper, no erections, xx wd. you like some more, commission in the territorials, inoperable, untransportable, look, here's the face, no no, the other end, I assure you, it's a bargain, I beg your pardon, does he drink, God good God yes, passionately, I beg your pardon, father and mother, both dead, at seven months interval, he at the conception, she at the nativity, I assure you, you can't do better, at your age, to have no human shape, the pity of it, look, here's the photograph, you'll see, you'll be fine, what is it does it amount to, after all, a painful moment, on the surface, then peace xxx, underneath, it it's the only way, take my word, the only way out, I beg your pardon, have I nothing else, why certainly, certainly, just a second, I was wondering myself, just a second, if you were not rather, just a second, here we are, this one here, but I wanted first,

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[p. 07r] what, you don't understand, neither do I, no matter, it's no time for merriment, yes, I was right, no doubt this you, it's you, [2180.3] look, here's the photograph, xxx xx, and xxx have a look at that, he's on his last legs, you'd better hurry, it's a bargain, and so on, so on, until I succumb, no, it's not true, they know it well, I didn't under didn't understand, I haven't stirred, I'm fine, I'll be fine, when they depart, I haven't stirred, all I've said, said I've done, said I've been, it's they who said it, I've said nothing, I haven't stirred, they don't realize, I can't stir, they think I don't want to, that their conditions don't suit me, that they'll hit on others, in the end, to my liking, then I'll stir, they'll have put me in their pocket, off the cushion, that's how I see the thing, no, I see nothing, they don't realize, I can't go towards them, they'll have to come and get me, if they want me, Mahood won't bring me out, nor Worm either, they set great hopes on Worm, to tempt me out, he was different, meant to be different, perhaps he was, for th me it's the same thing, they don't realize, I can't stir, I'm all right here, I'd be all right, if they'd leave me, let them come and get me, if they want me, they won't find any thing, then they can depart, with an easy mind. [2181] If Or if there is only one, like me, he can depart without fear of remorse, having wasted his life on an impossibility done all he could, and even more, to achieve the impossibility, and so lost his life, or stay here with me, that might befall him, and be a like for me, that would be jolly ^stunning, my first like, that would be epoch-making, to know I had a like, no, I'd know nothing, no matter, it would be jolly (stunning) all the same, a like, a congener, he wouldn't need ^have to be like me, he couldn't but be like me, he need only relax he would he need only relax, he could believe what he liked for whatever he liked, believe what he liked, at the time, that he could bear no more, or that the place was charming, he might even exclaim, I'll settle down here, being used to proclaiming his decisions to announcing his decisions, in a loud voice at the top of his voice, and so get to know them better, he might even add, to cover all eventualities, For the moment, it would be his last ix imbecility,

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[2181] [p. 08r] he need only relax, he'd disappear, he'd know nothing either, there we'd be the two of us, unkn unbeknownst to ourselves, unbeknownst to each other, that's a darling I've had, an that's a darling dream I've been having, a perf ^very excellent dream. [2182] And it's not over. [2183] For here comes along another, to see what happened to his pal, and make him break ^{get him} out, and back to his senses, and back to his kin, with a flow of threats, and promises, and tales of like this of wombs and cradles, diapers bepissed and the first long trousers, ^{wombs and cradles cradle cribs and cots cribs and and cots tales like this of wombs and cradles, diapers bepissed and the first long trousers} love's young dream and life's old lech, ^{l love's y love's young dream and life's old lech lech} blood and tears and skin and bones and the tossing in the grave, and so coax him out, as he me, that's right, pidgin bullskrit, and who in the end, having lived his life, no, before, but you've got my meaning, ^now there are three of us now, it's more cosy, it is the the dream is perpetual, perpetual dream, it's a mere matter of sleep all you have to do is sleep, not even, it's like the song, A dog came in the kitchen, And stole a crust of bread, Then cook up with I forget what, And belted him till he was dead, second verse, Then all the x dogs came running, And dug their pal a tomb, And wrote upon the tombstone, For the eyes of dogs to come, third verse, as the first, fourth, as the second, fifth, as the third, give us time, give us time and we'll be a multitude, a thousand, ten thousand, there's no lack of room, adeste, adeste, all ye living bastards, you'll be all right, you'll see, you'll never be born again, what am I talking about, you'll never have been born, and bring your children brats, our torments ^hell will be xxx ^{heaven [⁁]} to them, after what you've done to them. [2184] But come to think of it we are xxx xxx xxx xxx it are we not a xxx ^goodly company already, what right have I to flatter myself I'm the first, in time I mean of course, there are some more questions, please God they don't take x it into their heads to answer them. [2185] What they can be hatching anyhow, at this late hour? [2186] Can it be they are resolved at last to seize me by the horns? [2187] They're capable of it It looks like it. [2188] In that case tableau any minute. [2189] Oyez, oyez, I was like them, before being like me, oh the swine, that's one I won't get over in a hurry, no matter, no matter, the charge is sounded, present arms, corpse, fire, spermatozoon. ^{present arms, shun, corpse, present arms, fire, spermatozoon.} [2190] I too, xxxing of pleading an incomprehensible cause, at 20 cents the thousand flowers of rhetoric, let myself drop among the contumacious, nice image that, telescoping space, it must be the Pulitzer Prizeman, they're

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[2190] [p. 09r] trying to dull me x to sleep, at long range, for fear I might defend myself, they want to capture me alive, so as to be able to kill me, thus I shall have lived, they think I'm alive, what a business, it would smack of exhumation if only there were a cadaver, not in a womb either, the bitch has not yet menstruated that will ever litter me, that should singular restrict the field of research, a sperm dying, of cold, in the sheets, wagging feebly its little tail, perhaps I'm a sperm drying, in the sheets of an innocent boy, even that takes time, [⁁] ^{no stone must be left unturned, [⁁]} one mustn't be afraid of making a howler, how can you tell it is one, before it's made, and one it certainly is, now that it's irrevocable, for the good reason, here's another, here comes another, unless it escapes them in time, what a hope, the bright boy is there, for the excellent reason that that counts as living, counts as murder, it's xxx been laid down, oh you can't deny it, some people are lucky, born of a wet dream and dead before morning, I must say I'm tempted, no, the testis has not yet come down ^descended that would put up with me ^ever put up with me, it's mutual, another gleam down the drain. [2191] Another And now one last look at Mahood, at Worm, it's one last chance, ah will they never learn sense, there's nothing more, there was never anything, to be got from those stories, I have mine, let them tell it to me, they'll see they'll see there's nothing to be got from it either, nothing to be got from me, it will be fin be the end, of this hell of stories, you'd think it was I was abusing them, still the same old dodge, ah you'd be sorry for them, perhaps I'll abuse them before I'm finished, they'll know what it is to be a subject of conversation, I'll put words in their mouths ^{ascribe to them words} you xx wouldn't throw to a dog, an ear, a mouth, with a and a few rags of mind in the middle, I'll get my own back, a few flitters of mind, they'll what it's is like, I'll clap an xxx eye at random in the middle of the mess, on the off chance something might stray in front of it, then I'll xxx let down my trousers and shit on them, stories, photographs, records, sites, lights, gods and neighbours fellow creatures, the daily round and common task, observing, Be born, dear friends, be born, enter my arse, you'll just love my colic pains, it won't take long, I've the gripes. [2192] They'll see what it's like, that it's not as easy as it looks, you must have a taste for it, that it's not within reach of everybody, that you must be born alive, that it's not a thing you can acquire,