[p. 01r]
[2307.1] Help, help, if I could only describe this place, I who am
so good at describing places, walls, ceilings, floors, they are
my speciality, doors, windows, what haven't I imagined in the
way of windows in the course of my career, some opened on the sea,
all you could see was sea and sky, if I could put myself in ta a
room, that would be the end of the wordhunt wordy-gurdy, even doorless, even
windowless, nothing but the four surfaces, the six surfaces, if
I could shut myself up, it would be a mine, it could be black dark,
I could be motionless and fixed, I'd find a way to explore it, I'd
listen to the echo, I'd get to know it, I'd get to remember it,
I'd get to imagine it, I'd be home, I'd say what it's like, in my
home, instead of any old thing, this place, if I could describe
this place, portray it, I've tried, I feel no place, no place round
me, [2307.2] there's no end to me, I don't know what it is, it isn't flesh,
it doesn't end, it's like air, now I have it, this time it's I, you
say that, you won't say it long, like gas, balls, balls, the place,
then we'll see, first the place, then I'll find me in it, I'll put
me in it, a slolid lump, in the middle, or in a corner, well propped
up on three sides, the place, if only I could feel a place for me,
I've tried, I'll try again, none was ever mine, that sea under my
window, higher than my window, and the rowboat, do you remember,
and the river, and the bay, I knew I had memories, pity they are
not of me, and the stars, and the beacons, and the lights of the
buoys, and the mountain burning, it was the time nothing was too good for me, [2307.3] the others benefited by it, they died like flies, or
the forest, a roof is not indispensable, an interior, if I could be
in a forest, caught in a thicket, or wandering round in circles,
that would be the end of this blither, I'd describe the leaves, one
by one, at the moment of their hgrowing, at the moment of their giving shade, at the moment of their falling, at the moment of their
rotting, those are good moments, for one who has not to say, But
it isn't is not I, it isn't is not I, where am I, what am I doing, all this time,
as if that mattered, but there it is, that takes the heart out of
you, your heart isn't in it any more, your heart that was, among
the brambles, cradled by the shadows, you try the sea, you try the
town, you look for yourself in the mountains and the plain, it's
only natural, you want yourself, you want yourself in your own little
little corner, it's not love, it's not curiosity, it's because you
are tired, you want to stop, travel no more, seek no more, lie no
more, speak no more, close your eyes, but your own, in a word lay
your hands on yourself, after that you'll make short work of it.
[2308] I notice one thing, the others have vanished, completely,
[2309] I don't like it.
[2310] Notice, I notice nothing, I go on as best I can, if it
begins to mean something I can't help it, I have passed by here,
this has passed before me, thousands of times, it's turn has come
round, it will pass on and something else will be there, another
instant of my old instant, there it is, the old meaning that I'll
give myself, that I won't be able to give myself, there's a god
[p. 02r]for the damned, as on the first day, today is the first day, it
begins, I know it well, I'll remember it as I go along, all adown
it I'll be born and born, births for nothing, and come to night without having been.
[2311] Look at this Tunis pink, it's dawn.
[2312] If I could
only shut myself up, quick, I'll shut myself up, it won't be I,
quick, I'll make a place, it won't be mine, it doesn't matter, I
don't feel any place for me, perhaps that will come, I'll make it
mine, I'll put myself in it, I'll put someone in it, I'll find
someone in it, I'll put myself in him, I'll say he's I, perhaps h he'll keep me, perhaps the place will keep us, me inside the other, the place all round us, it will be over, all over, I won't have to
move anymore, I'll close my eyes, I'lall I'll have to do is talk,
that will be easy, I'll have things to say, I'll talk about lme,
about my life, I'll make it a good one, I'll know who's talking,
and about what, I'll know where I am, perhaps I'll be able to go
silent, perhaps that's all they are waiting for, theyre they are
again, to pardon me, waiting for me to reach home, to pardon me,
it's the lie they refuse to stop, I'll close my eyes, be happy at
last, that's the way it is this morning.
[2313] Morning, I call that
morning, that's right, shilly-shally a little longer, I call that
morning, I haven't many words, I haven't much choice, I don't
choose, the word came, I should have avoided this bright stain,
it's the crack of dawn, but it doesn't last, I know it, I call
that the crrack of dawn, if you could only see it.
[2314] I'm off, you
wouldn't think so, perhaps it's my last gallop, I always smelt
the stable, it's I smell of the stable, there's no other stable
but me, for me.
[2315.1] No, I won't do it, what won't I do, as if that
depended on me, I won't seek my dwelling--place any more, I don't
know what I'll do, it would be occupied already, there would be
someone there already, someone far gone, he wouldn't want me, I
can understand him, I'd disturb him, what am I going to say now,
I'm going to ask myself, I'm going to ask questions, that's a good
stopgap, not that I'm in any danger of stopping, then why all this fuss, that's right, questions, I know millions, I must know
millions, and then there are plans, when questions fail there are
always plans, you say what you'll say and what you won't say, that
doesn't commit you to anything and the evil moment passes, it drops
stone dead, suddenly you yhear yourself talking about god knows
what as if you had done nothing else all your life, and neither
have you, you come back from a far place, back to life, that's
where you should be, that's where you are, far from here, far from
everything, if I could only go there, if I could only describe it,
I who am so good at topography, [2315.2] that's right, aspirations, when
plans fail there are always aspirations, it's a knack, you must
say it slowly, If only this, if only that, that gives you time,
time for a cud loning of longing to rise up in the back of your
gullet, nothing remains but to look as if you enjoyed chewing it,
there's no knowing where that may lead you, on tracks as beaten
as the day is long, often you pass yourself by, someone passes
himself by, if only you knew, that's right, aspirations, you turn
and look behind you, so does the other, you weep for him, he weeps
for you, it's screamingly sad, better that than laughter.
[2316] What else, opinions, comparisons, anything better than laughter, all
[p. 03r]helps, can't help helping, to get you over the pretty pass, the
things you have to listen to, what pretty pass, it is not I who
speak, is it I who hear, let us not go into that, let us go on
as if I were the only one in the world, whereas I'm the only one
absent from it, orr with others, what difference does it make,
others present, others absent, they are not obliged to make them-selves manifest, all that is needed is to wander and let wander,
from word to word, be this slow boundless whirlwind and each par
particle of it's dust, it's impossible.
[2317] Someone speaks, someone
hears, no need to go any further, it is not he, it's I, or another,
or others, what does it matter,o matter, the case is clear, it is
not he, he who I know I am, that's all I know, who I cannot say I
am, I can't say anything, I've tried, I'm trying, he knows nothing,
knows of nothing, neither what ist is to speak, nor what it is to
hear, to know nothing, to be capable of nothing, and to have to
try, you don't try any more, no need to try, it goies goes on by
itself, it drags on by itself, from word to word, a labouring
whirl, you are in it somewhere, everywhere, not he, if I could
forget him, have one second of this noise that carries me away,
without having to say, I don't, I haven't time, It is not I, I am
he, after all, why not, why not say it, I must have said it, as
well that as anything else, it is not I, it is not I, I can't say
it, it came like that, it comes like that, it is not I, if it could
be about him, if it could about him be about him come about him,
I'd deny him, with pleasure, if that could help, it's I, here it's
I, speak to me of him, let me speak of him, that's all I ask, I
never asked for anything, make me speak of him, what a mess, now
there is no one left, long may it last.
[2318] In the end it comes to that,
the survival of that alone, then the words come back, someone says
I, unbelieving.
[2319] If I could make an effort, an effort of attention,
to try and discover what's happening, what's happening to me, what
then, I don't know, I've forgotten my apodosis, but I can't, I don't
hear any more, I'm sleeping, they call that sleeping, there they
are again, we'll have to start killing them again, I hear this
horrible noise, coming back takes time, I don't know where from,
I was nearly there, I was nearly sleeping, I call that sleeping,
there is no one but me, there was never anyone but me, here I mean,
elsewhere is another matter, I was never elsewhere, here is my only
elsewhere, it's I who do this thing and I who suffer it, it's not
possible otherwise, it's not possible so, it's not my fault, all I
can say is that it's not my fault, it's not anyone's fault, since
there isn't anyone it can't be anyone's fault, since there isn't
anyone but me it can't be mine, sometimes you'd think I was reason-ing, that's all right with me, they must have taught me reasoning
too, they must have begun teaching me, before they deserted me, I
don't remember that period, but it must have marked me, I don't
remember having been deserted, perhaps I received a shock.
[2320] Strange,
these phrases that die for no reason, strange, what's strange about
it, here all is strange, all is strange when you come to think of
it, no, it's coming to think of it that is strange, am I to suppose
I am inhabited, I can't suppose anything, I have to go on, that's
what I'm doing, let others suppose, there must be others in other
[p. 04r]elsewheres, each one in his little elsewhere, this word that keeps
coming back, each one saying to himself, when the moment comes, the
moment to say it, Let others suppose, and so on, so on, let others
do this, others do that, if there are any, that helps you on, that
helps you forward, I believe in progress, I know how to believe too,
they must have taught me believing too,
[2321] no, no one ever taught me
anything, I never learnt anything, I've always been here, here there
was never anyone but me, never, always, me, no one, old slush to
be churned everlastingly, now it's slush, a minute ago it was dust,
it must have rained.
(Translated by the author from the original French.)