MS-OSU-RARE-115

[p. 77v] DOODLE 1 DOODLE 2 [1591] And now my progress, at all times slow and painful, was so more than ever, because of my short stiff leg, the same which had so long seemed to me as stiff as a leg could be, to my ^{inexperience,} for it now grew stiffer than ever, a thing which I should not have thought possible, and at the same grew daily shorter, but above all because of the other leg, which now also rapidly stiffened, it supple so long, but did not yet shorten, unfortunately. [1592] For when the two legs shorten at the same time, and at the same rate, things are not so bad. [1593] But when one shortens, while the other remains stationary, then there is some cause for worry. [1594] Not that I worried exactly, no, but I was bothered. [1595] For I didn't know on which foot to come down, between one hop and the next. [1596] Let us try and elucidate this dilemma. DOODLE 3 [1597] The tender leg was the one already stiff, there is no denying that, and it was the other that habitually took my weight when I landed^,[⁁] ^{and supported me, until I was ready to proceed.} [1598] But now ^{this latter}, as a result ^{no doubt} of its stiffening, and the commotion thus set up among its nerves and tendons, began to be even more tender than the other. [1599] What a story, God ^send I don't get it wrong. [1600] For to the old pain I had become as it were accustomed, yes, as it were. [1601] Whereas to the new, though of the same family exactly, I had not yet had the time to adjust myself. [1602] It must not be forgotten either that having one bad leg and ^{one more or less good leg}, I was able to rest the former, and reduce its sufferings to a minimum, by never using it, but only the latter, thanks to my crutches. [1603] But expedient was now no longer possible! [1604] For I no longer had one bad leg and ^{one more or less good leg}, but now both were bad. [1605] And the worse, to my way of feeling, was that which up to then had been ^good, that is to say relatively ^good, and to the deterioration of which

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[p. 78v] [1606] I ^{was not} yet reconciled. So that it may be said, in a sense, that I had still one bad leg and ^one good, or rather less bad, with this difference, that now the less bad was no longer the same as hitherto. [1607] It was therefore ^upon the onetime bad leg that I was now often inclined to come down, between my crutchstrokes. [1608] For while ^remaining extremely tender, it was nevertheless less so than the other, or it was equally so, if you prefer, but did not give that impression, because of its seniority. [1609] But I could not! [1610] What? [1611] Come down upon it. [1612] For it was shortening, if I remember rightly, whereas the other, while stiffening to be sure, was not yet shortening, or was already shortening if you like, but so far behind its fellow that to all intents and purposes, to all intents & purposes, I am lost, no matter. DOODLE 4 [1613] If only I could have bent it, at the knee, or even at the hip, I could have made it, artificially, as short as the other, long enough to land upon it, before sweeping on. [1614] ^But I could not! [1615] What? [1616] Bend it. [1617] For how could I bend it, since it was stiff? [1618] I was thus obliged to work the same leg as hitherto, in spite of its having become, at least from the point of view of sensation, the worse of the two and the ^{more in} need of rest. [1619] Sometimes to be sure, when I was fortunate enough to chance on a road with befitting camber, or by taking advantage of a not too deep ditch, or a not too high bank^, I contrived, or any other ^suitable depression or elevation, I contrived to give a temporary extension to my ^short leg, and to make use of it, in place of the other. [1620] But it had not been made use of for so long that it ^{behaved almost most} as though it never had. [1621] And I think a pile of plates would have better supported me than it, ^which had so well supported me, when I had been a tiny tot. [1621|001] But this

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[p. 79v] [1621|001] was not all. [1622] For there was involved here, I mean when I exploited thus the inequalities in the ground, a further element of disequilibrium, I mean my crutches one of which would have needed to be long, and the other short, to prevent me from declining from the vertical. [1623] No? [1624] I don't know. [1625] And then there were the ways I took, my ways, for the most part little tracks in the forest, that was natural, where the differences of level, if they abounded, were ^so confused and erratic that they could not be of help to me. DOODLE 5 [1626] [1627] [1628] [1626] But was there so great a difference after all, as far as the pain was concerned, between my being able to rest my leg and my having to work it? [1627] I think not. [1628] For the leg that was at rest, its sufferings were constant & monotonous. [1629] Whereas the leg that drove itself to ^that increment of suffering which was the work done knew that abatement of suffering which was the work suspended, if only for an instant. [1630] But I am human I trust, and my progress felt the effects of this state of affairs, and from the slow and painful ^progress that it always had been, whatever I may have let escape to the contrary, was transformed, with respect let it be said, into a veritable calvary, with no limit to its stations and no hope of crucifixion, without false blushes be it said, and no Simon, and compelled me to frequent stations. [1631] Yes, my progress compelled me to stop more and more frequently, the only way I could progress was to stop. [1632] And though it is ^no part of my tottering intentions to deal at becoming length with these brief instants of the immemorial atonement, yet I must for my sins touch lightly upon

[p. 80r] DOODLE 6

[p. 80v] [1632] them, and that my story, so clear up till now, may not close in obscurity, the obscurity of the giant fronds of this vast wildwood where I go my hobbling way, halting, listening, falling, rising, listening, hobbling on, and sometimes wondering, needless to say, if I shall ever see again the hated light, the unloved light, palely spread between the last stems, and my mother, to settle our account, and if I ^had not ^better hang myself from a bough, with a tendril. [1633] For as to the light, frankly, I did not want it, and as to my mother, it was perhaps too much to expect that she was still waiting for me, after all this time. [1634] And my leg, my legs. [1635] But the ^thought of suicide had little hold on me, I don't know why, I thought I knew, but I see not. [1636] The ^thought of strangulation in particular, however tempting, I had always vanquished, after a short struggle. [1637] The truth is I had never had any trouble with my respiratory tracts, apart naturally from the disorders inseparable from that system. [1638] Yes, I could count the days when the air, with its celebrated oxygen, would neither go down inside me nor, having finally done so, let itself be expelled, I could have counted them. [1639] Ah yes, my asthma, how often I was tempted to put an end to it, by cutting my throat. [1640] But I never gave in. [1641] The noise betrayed me, I turned purple. [1642] This came on mostly at night, on which I could not decide whether ^{to be} be sorry or glad. [1643] For if sudden changes of complexion are of less consequence by night, on the other hand the least ^untoward noise is then more noticeable, because of the silence of the

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