[p. 75r]
[4125] Question. Should I tell my son what had happened? [4126] Answer. No, for then it would be his duty to denounce me. [4127] Question. Would he denounce me? [4128] Answer. [4129] Question. How did I feel? [4130] Answer. Much as usual. [4131] Question. And yet I had changed and was still changing? [4132] Answer. Yes. [4133] Question. And in spite of this I felt much as usual? [4134] Answer. Yes. [4135] Question. How was this to be explained? [4136] Answer.
[4137] These questions and others too were separated by more or less prolonged intervals of time not only from one another, but also from the answers appertaining to them. [4138] And the answers did not always follow in the order of the questions. [4139] But while looking for the answer, or the answers, to a given question, I found the answer, or the answers, to a question I had already asked myself in vain, in the sense that I had not been able to answer it, or I found another question, or other [|] questions, demanding in their turn an immediate answer.
[4140] Translating myself now in imagination to the present moment, I declare the foregoing to have been written with a firm and even satisfied hand, and a mind calmer than it has been for a long time. [4141] For I shall be far away, before these lines are read, in a place where no one will dream of coming to look for me. [4142] And then Youdi will take care of me, he will not let me be punished for a fault committed in the execution of my duty. [4143] And they can do nothing to my son, rather they will commiserate with him on having had such a father, and offers of help and expressions of esteem will pour
[p. 76r]
[4143] in upon him from every side.
[4144] So this third day wore away. [4145] And about five o'clock I ate my last tin of sardines and a few biscuits, with a good appetite. [4146] This left me with only a few apples and a few biscuits. [4147] But about seven o'clock my son arrived. The sun was low in the west. [4148] I must have dozed a moment, for I did not see him coming, a speck on the horizon, then rapidly bigger and bigger, as I had foreseen. [4149] But he was already between me and the camp, making for the latter, when I saw him. [4150] A wave of irritation broke over me, I jumped to my feet and began to vociferate, brandishing my umbrella. [4151] He turned and I beckoned him to join me, waving the umbrella as if I wanted to hook something with the handle. [4152] I thought for a moment he was going to defy me and continue on his way to the camp, to where the camp had been rather, for it was there no more. [4153] But finally he came towards me. [4154] He was pushing a bicycle which, when he had joined me, he let fall with a gesture signifying he could bear no more. [4155] Pick it up, I said, till I look at it. [4156] I had to admit it must once have been quite a good bicycle. [4157] I would gladly describe it, I would gladly write four thousand words on it alone. [4158] And you call that a bicycle? I said. [4159] Only half expecting him to answer me I continued to inspect it. [4160] But there was something so strange in his silence that I looked up at him. [4161] His eyes were starting out of his head. [4162] What's the matter, I said, is my fly open? [4163] He let go the bicycle again. [4164] Pick it up, I said. [4165] He picked it up. [4166] What happened to you? he said. [4167] I had a fall, I said. [4168] A fall? he said. [4169] Yes, a fall, I cried, [⁁]did you never [⁁]have a fall? [4170] I tried to remember the name of the plant that springs from the ejaculations of the hanged and shrieks when plucked. [4171] How much did you give for it? I said. [4172] Four pounds, he said. [4173] Four pounds! I cried. [4174] If he had said two pounds or even thirty shillings I should have cried, Two pounds! or, Thirty shillings! the same. [4175] They asked four pounds five, he said. [4176] Have you the receipt? I said. [4177] He did not know what a
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[4177] receipt was. [4178] I described one. [4179] The money I spent on my son's education and he did not know what a simple receipt was. [4180] But I think he knew as well as I. [4181] For when I said to him, Now tell me what a receipt is, he told me very prettily. [4182] I really did not care in the least whether he had been fooled into paying for the bicycle three or four times what it was worth or whether on the other hand he had appropriated the best part of the purchase money for his own use. [4183] The loss would not be mine. [4184] Give me the ten shillings, I said. [4185] I spent them, he said. [4186] Enough, enough. [4187] He began explaining that the first day the shops had been closed, that the second— [4188] I said, Enough, enough. [4189] I looked at the carrier. [4190] It was the best thing about that bicycle. [4191] It and the pump. [4192] Does it go by any chance? I said. [4193] I had a puncture two miles from Hole, he said, I walked the rest of the way. [4194] I looked at his shoes. [4195] Pump it up, I said. [4196] I held the bicycle. [4197] I forget which wheel it was. [4198] As soon as two things are nearly identical I am lost. [4199] The dirty little twister was letting the air escape between the valve and the connexion which he had purposely not screwed tight. [4200] Hold the bicycle, I said, and give me the pump. [4201] The tyre was soon hard. [4202] I looked at my son. [4203] He began to protest. [4204] I soon put a stop to that. [4205] Five minutes later I felt the tyre. [4206] It was as hard as ever. [4207] I cursed him. [4208] He took a bar of chocolate from his pocket and offered it to me. [4209] I took it. [4210] But instead of eating it, as I longed to, and although I have a horror of waste, I cast it from me, after a moment's hesitation, [4211] which I trust my son did not notice. [4212] Enough. [4213] We went down to the road. [4214] It was more like a path. [4215] I tried to sit down on the carrier. [4216] The foot of my stiff leg tried to sink into the ground, into the grave. [4217] I propped myself up on one of the bags. [4218] Keep her steady, I said. [4219] I was still too low. [4220] I added the other. [4221] Its bulges dug into my buttocks. [4222] The more things resist me the more rabid I get. [4223] With time, and nothing but my teeth
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[4223] and nails, I would toil up from the bowels of the earth to its crust, knowing full well I had nothing to gain. [4224] And when I had no more teeth, [₰] no more nails, I would dig through the rock with my bones. [4225] Here then in a few words is the solution I arrived at. [4226] First the bags, then my son's raincoat folded in four, all lashed to the carrier and the saddle with my son's bits of string. [4227] As for the umbrella, I hooked it round my neck, so as to have both hands free to hold on to my son by the waist, under the armpits rather, for by this time my seat was higher than his. [4228] Pedal, I said. [4229] He made a despairing effort, I can well believe it. [4230] We fell. [4231] I felt a sharp pain in my shin. [4232] I was all tangled up in the back wheel. [4233] Help! I cried. [4234] My son helped me up. [4235] My stocking was torn and my leg bleeding. [4236] Happily it was the sick leg. [4237] What would I have done, with both legs out of action? [4238] I would have found a way. [4239] It was even perhaps a blessing in disguise. [4240] I was thinking of phlebotomy of course. [4241] Are you all right, I said. [4242] Yes, he said. [4243] He would be. [4244] With my umbrella I caught him a smart blow on the hamstrings, gleaming between the leg of his shorts and his stocking. [4245] He cried out. [4246] Do you want to kill us? I said. [4247] I'm not strong enough, he said, I'm not strong enough. [4248] The bicycle was all right apparently, the back wheel slightly buckled perhaps. [4249] I at once saw the error I had made. [4250] It was to have settled down in my seat, with my feet clear of the ground, before we moved off. [4251] I reflected. [4252] We'll try again, I said. [4253] I can't, he said. [4254] Don't try me too far, I said. [4255] He straddled the frame. [4256] Start off gently when I tell you, I said. [4257] I got up again behind. [4258] Seated, my feet did not reach the ground. [4259] That was as it should be. [4260] Wait till I tell you, I said. [4261] I let myself slide to one side till the foot of my good leg touched the ground. [4262] The only weight now on the back wheel was that of my sick leg, cocked up rigid at an excruciating angle. [4263] I dug my fingers into my son's jacket. [4264] Go easy, I said. [4265] The
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[4265] wheels began to turn. [4266] I followed, half dragged, half hopping. [4267] I trembled for my testicles which swing a little low. [4268] Faster! I cried. [4269] He bore down on the pedals. [4270] I bounded up to my place. [4271] The bicycle swayed, righted itself, gained speed. [4272] Bravo! I cried, beside myself with joy. [4273] Hurrah! cried my son. [4274] How I loathe that exclamation! [4275] I can hardly set it down. [4276] He was as pleased as I, I do believe. [4277] His heart was beating under my hand, and yet my hand was far from his heart. [4278] Happily it was downhill. [4279] Happily I had mended my hat, or the wind would have blown it away. [4280] Happily the weather was fine, and I no longer alone. [4281] Happily, happily.
[4282] In this way we came to Ballyba. [4283] I shall not tell of the obstacles we had to surmount, the fiends we had to circumvent, the misdemeanours of the son, the disintegrations of the father. [4284] It was my intention, almost my desire, to tell of all these things, I rejoiced at the thought that the moment would come when I might do so. [4285] Now the intention is dead, the moment is come and the desire is gone. [4286] My leg was no better. [4287] It was no worse either. [4288] The skin had healed. [4289] I would never have got there alone. [4290] It was thanks to my son. [4291] What? [4292] That I got there. [4293] He often complained of his health, his stomach, his teeth. [4294] I gave him some morphine. [4295] He looked worse and worse. [4296] When I asked him what was wrong he could not [⁁]tell me. [4297] We had trouble with the bicycle. [4298] But I patched it up. [4299] I would not have got there without my son. [4300] We were a long time getting there. [4301] Weeks. [4302] We kept losing our way, taking our time. [4303] I still did not know what I was to do with Molloy, when I found him. [4304] I thought no more about it. [4305] I thought about myself, a lot, as we went along, sitting behind my son, looking over his head, and in the evening, when we camped, while he made himself useful, and when he went away, leaving me alone. [4306] For he often went away, to spy out the lie of the land and to buy provisions. [4307] I did practically nothing any more. [4308] He took good care of me, I must say.