[p. 80r]
[4309] He was clumsy, stupid, slow, dirty, untruthful, deceitful, prodigal, unfilial, but he did not abandon me. [4310] I thought [⁁]a lot about myself. [4311] That is to say I often took a quick[₰]look at myself, closed my eyes, forgot, began again. [4312] We took a long time getting to Ballyba, we even got there without knowing it. [4313] Stop, I said to my son one day. [4314] I had just caught sight of a shepherd I liked the look of. [4315] He was sitting on the ground stroking his dog. [4316] A flock of black shorn sheep strayed about them, unafraid. [4317] What a pastoral land, my God. [4318] Leaving my son on the side of the road I went towards them, across the grass. [4319] I often stopped and rested, leaning on my umbrella. [4320] The shepherd watched me as I came, without getting up. [4321] The dog too, without barking. [4322] The sheep too. [4323] Yes, little by little, one by one, they turned and faced me, watching me as I came. [4324] Here and there faint movements of recoil, a tiny foot stamping the ground, betrayed their uneasiness. [4325] They did not seem timid, as sheep go. [4326] And my son of course watched me as I went, I felt his eyes in my back. [4327] The silence was absolute. [4328] Profound in any case. [4329] All things considered it was a solemn moment. [4330] The weather was divine. [4331] It was the close of day. [4332] Each time I stopped I looked about me. [4333] I looked at the shepherd, the sheep, the dog and even at the sky. [4334] But when I moved I saw nothing but the ground and the play of my feet, the good one springing forward, holding back, setting itself down, waiting for the other to come up. [4335] I came finally to a halt about ten paces from the shepherd. [4336] There was no use going any further. [4337] How I would love to dwell upon him. [4338] His dog loved him, his sheep did not fear him. [4339] Soon he would rise, feeling the falling dew. [4340] The fold was far, far, [4341] he would see from afar the light in his cot. [4342] Now I was in the midst of the sheep, they made a circle round me, their eyes converged on me. [4343] Perhaps I was the butcher come to make his choice. [4344] I took off my hat. [4345] I saw the dog's eyes following
[p. 81r]
[4345] the movement of my hand. [4346] I looked about me again incapable of speech. [4347] I did not know how I would ever be able to break this silence. [4348] I was on the point of turning away without having spoken. [4349] Finally I said, Ballyba, hoping it sounded like a question. [4350] The shepherd drew the pipe from his mouth and pointed the stem at the ground. [4351] I longed to say, Take me with you, I will serve you faithfully, just for a place to lie and a little food. [4352] I had understood, but without seeming to I suppose, for he repeated his gesture, pointing the stem of his pipe at the ground, several times. [4353] Bally, I said. [4354] He raised one hand, it wavered an instant as if over a map, then stiffened. [4355] The pipe still smoked faintly, the smoke hung blue in the air an instant, then vanished. [4356] I looked in the direction indicated. [4357] The dog too. [4358] We were all three turned to the north. [4359] The sheep were losing interest in m[⁁][⁁]e. [4360] Perhaps they had understood. [4361] I heard them straying about again and grazing. [4362] I distinguished at last, at the limit of the plain, a dim glow, the sum of countless points of light blurred by the distance, [4363] I thought of Juno's milk. [4364] It lay like a faint splash on the sharp dark sweep of the horizon. [4365] I gave thanks for evening that brings out the lights, the stars in the sky and on earth the brave little lights of men. [4366] By day the shepherd would have raised his pipe in vain, towards the long clear-cut commissure of earth and sky. [4367] But now I felt the man turning towards me again, and the dog, and the man drawing on his pipe again, in the hope it had not gone out. [4368] And I knew I was all alone [₰] gazing at that distant glow that would get brighter and brighter, I knew that too, then suddenly go out. [4369] And I did not like the feeling of being alone, with my son perhaps, no, alone, spellbound. [4370] And I was wondering how to depart without self-loathing or sadness, or with as little as possible, when a kind of immense sigh all round me announced it was not I who was departing, but the flock. [4371] I watched them move away, the man in front, then the sheep, huddled
[p. 82r]
[4371] together, their heads sunk, jostling one another, breaking now and then into a little trot, snatching blindly without stopping a last mouthful from the earth, and last of all the dog, jauntily, waving his long black plumy tail, though there was no one to witness his contentment, if that is what it was. [4372] And so in perfect order, the shepherd silent and the dog unneeded, the little flock departed. [4373] And so no doubt they would plod on, until they came to the stable or the fold. [4374] And there the shepherd stands aside to let them pass and he counts them as they go by, though he knows not one is missing. [4375] Then he turns towards his cottage, the kitchen door is open, the lamp is burning, he goes in and sits down at the table, without taking off his hat. [4376] But the dog stops at the threshold, not knowing whether he may go in or whether he must stay out, all night.
[4377] That night I had a violent scene with my son. [4378] I do not remember about what. [4379] Wait, it may be important.
[4380] No, I don't know. [4381] I have had so many scenes with my son. [4382] At the time it must have seemed a scene like any other, that's all I know.
[4383] I must have got the better of it as I always did, thanks to my infallible technique, and brought him unerringly to a proper sense of his iniquities. [4384] But the next day I realized my mistake. [4385] For waking early I found myself alone, in the shelter, I who was always the first to wake. [4386] And what is more my instinct told me I had been alone for some considerable time, my breath no longer mingling with the breath of my son, in the narrow shelter he had erected, under my supervision. [4387] Not that the fact of his having disappeared with the bicycle, during the night or with the first guilty flush of dawn, was in itself a matter for grave anxiety. [4388] And I would have found excellent and honourable reasons for this, if this had been all. [4389] Unfortunately he had taken his knapsack and his raincoat. [4390] And there remained nothing in the shelter,
[p. 83r]
[4390] nor outside the shelter, belonging to him, absolutely nothing. [4391] And this was not yet all, for he had left with a considerable sum of money, he who was only entitled to a few pence from time to time, for his savings-box. [4392] For since he had been in charge of everything, under my supervision of course, and notably of the shopping, I was obliged to place a certain reliance on him in the matter of money. [4393] And he always had a far greater sum in his pocket than was strictly necessary. [4394] And in order to make all [⁁]this sound more likely I shall add what follows.
[4395] 1. I desired him to learn double-entry book-keeping and had instructed him in its rudiments.
[4396] 2. I could no longer be bothered with these wretched trifles which had once been my delight.
[4397] 3. I had told him to keep an eye out, on his expeditions, for a second bicycle, light and inexpensive. [4398] For I was weary of the carrier and I also saw the day approaching when my son would no longer have the strength to pedal for the two of us. [4399] And I believed I was capable, more than that, I knew I was capable, with a little practice, of learning to pedal with one leg. [4400] And then I would resume my rightful place, I mean in the van. [4401] And my son would follow me. [4402] And then the scandal would cease of my son's defying me, and going left when I told him right, or right when I told him left, or straight on when I told him right or left, as he had been doing of late, more and more frequently.
[4403] That is all I wished to add.
[4404] But on examining my pocket-book I found it contained no more than fifteen shillings, which led me to the conclusion that my son had not been content with the sum already in his possession, but had gone through my pockets, before he left, while I slept. [4405] And the human breast is so bizarre that my first feeling was of gratitude for his leaving me
[p. 84r]
[4405] this little sum, enough to keep me going until help arrived, and I saw in this a kind of delicacy!
[4406] I was therefore alone, with my bag, my umbrella (which he might easily have taken too) and fifteen shillings, knowing myself coldly abandoned, with deliberation and no doubt premeditation, in Ballyba it is true, if indeed I was in Ballyba, but still far from Bally. [4407] And I remained for several days, I do not know how many, in the place where my son had abandoned me, eating my last provisions (which he might easily have taken too), seeing no living soul, powerless to act, or perhaps strong enough at last to act no more. [4408] For I had no illusions, I knew that all was about to end, or to begin again, it little mattered which, and it little mattered how, I had only to wait. [4409] And on and off, for fun, and the better to scatter them to the winds, I dallied with the hopes that spring eternal, childish hopes, as for example that my son, his anger spent, would have pity on me and come back to me! [4410] Or that Molloy, whose country this was, would come to me, who had not been able to go to him, and grow to be a friend, and like a father to me, and help me do what I had to do, so that Youdi would not be angry with me and would not punish me! [4411] Yes, I let them spring within me and grow in strength, brighten and charm me with a thousand fancies, and then I swept them away, with a great disgusted sweep of all my being, I swept myself clean of them and surveyed with satisfaction the void they had polluted. [4412] And in the evening I turned to the lights of Bally, I watched them shine brighter and brighter, then all go out together, or nearly all, foul little flickering lights of terrified men. [4413] And I said, To think I might be there now, but for my misfortune! [4414] And with regard to the Obidil, of whom I have refrained from speaking, until [⁁]now , and whom I so longed to see face to face, all I can say with regard to him is this, that I never saw him, either face