MS-UoR-1227-7-12-2

[0004] ...birth...into this world...this world...of a tiny little thing...five pounds...in a godfor-...what?...girl?...tiny little girl...into this...in a godforsaken hole...in the bog...named -...what?...the downs?...godforsaken hole in the downs?...no...no!...the bog...godforsaken hole in the bog...named...named...forgotten...[0005]to parents unknown...he having vanished into...thin air...no sooner done his...devilish work...and she similarly...nine months later...almost to the minute...[0006]so no love...such as normally showered on the...speechless infant...in the home...no...nor indeed [⁁]^{for that matter} any of any kind...at any subsequent... ^stage...so usual affair...nothing worthy of note [0007] till...coming up to sixty when...what?...sixty-five?...coming up to sixty-five...walking in a field...searching ^aimlessly for cowslips...to make a ball...when suddenly all went out...all that early April morning light...and she found herself in the -...what?...I?...no...no^!...she ...found herself in the dark...[0008]and if not exactly...insentient...insentient...for ^she still ^could hear the buzzing...so-called!...in the ears...and a ray of light...such as the moon might shed...drifting...in and out of cloud...but so lessened...sensation...sensation so lessened...she did not know...what position she ^was in...whether standing...o^r sitting...but the brain -...what?...lying?...wh^ether standing...or sitting...or lying...[0009]but the brain still...in a ^sense...for her first thought was...after some time it is true...her first thought...brought up as she had been to believe (laugh)...in a merciful (laugh)...God (laugh)...[0010]first thought was...she was being punished...for her sins ^[stet] ...a number of which then...further proof if proof were needed...flashed through her mind...[0011]then dismissed as foolis^h...this thought dismissed...as she gradually realized...she was not suffering...indeed could not remember...when she had suffered less...unless of course she was...meant to be suffering ...though to be suffering...just as so often...in the past...when clearly intended to be ha^ving pleasure...she was in fact...having ^{not the slightest}...in which case of course...that notion of punishment...for some sin or other...or for no special reason...for its own sake...thing she understood perfec^tly...that notion of punishment...which had first occurred to her...brought up as she had been to believe (laugh)...in a merciful (laugh)...

[0011] God (laugh)...first occurred to her...then dismis^sed...as foolish...was perhaps not so foolish...after all...so oⁿ...all that...[0012]till another thought...some time later it is true...very childish really but -...what?...the buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...so-called^!...in the ear^s...though of course actually...not in the ears at all...in the skull...the heart of [0012] the skull!...and all the time...this beam or ray...as before...on and off...like from a moon...but ^{no doubt} not... ^{no doubt} all part of the ^wish to...torment...but not in the least^{...not a twinge}...for the moment...ah...for the moment...