[p. 06r]
[0126] greatly innocent, he had nothing to fear, though he went in fear, he had nothing to fear, there was nothing they could do to him, or very little. [0127] But he can't have known it. [0128] I wouldn't know it myself, if I thought about it. [0129] Yes, he saw himself threatened, his body threatened, his reason threatened, and perhaps he was, perhaps they were, in spite of his innocence. [0130] What business has innocence here? [0131] What relation to the innumerable spirits of darkness? [0132] It's not clear. [0133] It seemed to me he wore a cocked hat. [0134] I remember being struck by it, as I wouldn't have been for example by a cap or by a bowler. [0135] I watched him recede, overtaken by his anxiety, at least by an anxiety which was not necessarily his, but of which as it were he partook. [0136] Who knows if it wasn't my own anxiety overtaking him. [0137] He hadn't seen me. [0138] I was perched higher than the road's highest point and flattened what is more against a rock the same colour as myself, that is grey. [0139] The rock he probably saw. [0140] He gazed around as if to engrave the landmarks on his memory and must have seen the rock in the shadow of which I crouched like Belacqua, or Sordello, I forget. [0141] But a man, a fortiori myself, isn't exactly a landmark, because. [0142] I mean if by some strange chance he were to pass that way again, after a long lapse of time, vanquished, or to look for some forgotten thing, or to destroy something, his eyes would search out the rock, not the haphazard in its shadow of that unstable fugitive thing, still living flesh. [0143] No, he certainly didn't see me, for the reasons I've given and then because he was in no humour for that, that evening, no humour for the living, but
[p. 07r]
[0143] rather for what 
doesn't stir, or stirs so slowly that a child would scorn it, let alone an old man.
[0144] However that may be, I mean whether he saw me or whether he didn't, I repeat I watched him recede, at grips (myself) with the temptation to get up and follow him, perhaps even to catch up with him one day, so as to know him better, be myself less lonely.
[0145] But in spite of my soul's leap out to him, at the end of its elastic, I saw him only darkly, because of the dark and then because of the terrain, in the folds of which he disappeared from time to time, to re-emerge further on, but most of all I think because of other things calling me and towards which too one after the other my soul was straining, unmethodical, distracted.
[0146] I mean of course the fields, whitening under the dew, and the animals, ceasing from wandering and settling for the night, and the sea, of which nothing, and the sharpening line of crests, and the sky where without seeing them I felt the first stars tremble, and my hand on my knee and above all the other wayfarer, A or C, I don't remember, going resignedly home.
[0147] Yes, towards my hand also, which my knee felt tremble and of which my eyes saw the wrist only, the heavily veined back, the pallid rows of knuckles.
[0148] But that is not, I mean my hand, what I wish to speak of now, everything in due course, but A or B returning to the town he had just left.
[0149] But after all what was there particularly urban in his aspect?
[0150] He was bare-headed, wore sand-shoes, smoked a cigar.
[0151] He moved with a kind of loitering indolence which rightly or wrongly seemed to me expressive.
[0152] But all that proved nothing, refuted nothing.
[0153] Perhaps he had come from afar, from the other end of the island even, and was approaching the town for the first time or returning to it
[p. 08r]
[0153] after a long absence. [0154] A little dog followed him, a pomeranian I think, but I don't think so. [0155] I wasn't sure at the time and I'm still not sure, though I've hardly thought about it. [0156] The little dog followed wretchedly, after the fashion of pomeranians, stopping, describing long gyrations, giving up and then, a little farther on, beginning all over again. [0157] Constipation is a sign of good health in pomeranians. [0158] At a given moment, pre-established if you like, I don't mind, the gentleman turned back, took the little creature in his arms, drew the cigar from his lips and buried his face in the orange fleece, [0159] for it was a gentleman, that was obvious. [0160] Yes, it was an orange pomeranian, the less I think of it the more certain I am. [0161] And yet. [0162] But would he have come from afar, bare-headed, in sand-shoes, smoking a cigar, followed by a pomeranian? [0163] Did he not seem rather to have issued from the ramparts, after a good dinner, to take his dog and himself for a walk, like so many citizens, dreaming and farting, when the weather is fine? [0164] But was not perhaps in reality the cigar a cutty, and were not the sand-shoes boots, hobnailed, dust-whitened, and what prevented the dog from being one of those stray dogs that you pick up and take in your arms, from compassion or because you have long been straying with no other company than the endless roads, sands, shingle, bogs and heather, than this nature answerable to another court, than at long intervals the fellow convict you long to stop, embrace, suck, suckle and whom you pass by, with hostile eyes, for fear of his familiarities. [0165] Until the day when, your endurance gone, in this world for you without arms, you catch up in yours the first mangy
[p. 09r]
[0165] cur you meet, carry it the time needed for it to love you and you it, then throw it away. [0166] Perhaps he had come to that, in spite of appearances. [0167] He disappeared, his head on his chest, the smoking object in his hand. [0168] Let me try and explain. [0169] From things about to disappear I turn away in time. [0170] To watch them out of sight, no, I can't do it. [0171] It was in this sense he disappeared. [0172] Looking away I thought of him, saying, He dwindles, dwindles. [0173] I knew what I meant. [0174] I knew I could catch him, lame as I was. [0175] I had only to want to. [0176] And yet no, for I did want to. [0177] To get up, to get to the road, to set hobbling off in pursuit of him, to hail him, what could be easier. [0178] He hears my cries, turns, waits for me. [0179] I am up against him, up against the dog, gasping, between my crutches. [0180] He is a little frightened of me, a little sorry for me, [0181] I disgust him not a little. [0182] I am not a pretty sight, I don't smell good. [0183] What is it I want? [0184] Ah that tone I know, compounded of pity, of fear, of disgust. [0185] I want to see the dog, see the man, at close quarters, know what smokes, inspect the shoes, find out other things. [0186] He is kind, tells me of this and that and other things, whence he comes, whither he goes. [0187] I believe him, I know it's my only chance to — my only chance, I believe all I'm told, I've disbelieved only too much in my long life, now I swallow everything, avidly. [0188] What I need now is stories, it took me a long time to know that, [0189] and I'm not sure of it. [0190] There I am then, informed as to certain things, knowing certain things about him, things I didn't know, things that troubled me, even things that never troubled me. [0191] What language. [0192] I am even capable of having learnt what his profession is, I who am so interested in professions. [0193] And to think I try my
[p. 10r]
[0193] best not to talk about myself. [0194] In a moment I shall talk about the cows, about the sky, if I can. [0195] There I am then, he leaves me, he's in a hurry. [0196] He didn't seem to be in a hurry, he was loitering, I've already said so, but after three minutes talking with me he is in a hurry, he has to hurry. [0197] I believe him. [0198] And once again I am I will not say alone, no, that's not like me, but, how shall I say, I don't know, restored to myself, no, I never left myself, free, yes, I don't know what that means but it's the word I intend to use, free to do what, to do nothing, to know, but what, the laws of the mind perhaps, of my mind, that for example water rises in proportion as it drowns you and that you would do better, at least no worse, to obliterate texts than to blacken margins, to fill in the holes of words till all is blank and flat and the whole ghastly business looks like what it is, senseless, speechless, issueless misery. [0199] So I doubtless did better, at least no worse, not to disturb myself from my observation post. [0200] But instead of observing I had the weakness to return in spirit to the other, the man with the stick. [0201] Then the murmurs began again. [0202] To restore silence is the role of objects. [0203] I said, Who knows if he hasn't simply come out to take the air, relax, stretch his legs, disinflame his brain by stamping the blood down to his feet, so as to ensure himself a good night, a joyous awakening, an enchanted morrow. [0204] Was he carrying as much as a scrip? [0205] But this gait, the anxious looks, the club, could these be reconciled with one's conception of what is called a little turn. [0206] But the hat, a town hat, an old-fashioned town hat, which the least wind would carry far away. [0207] Unless it was attached under the chin, by means of a string or an elastic.