[p. 40r]
[3178] night.
[3179] My son could only embarrass me. [3180] He was like a thousand other boys of his age and condition. [3181] There is something about a father that discourages derision. [3182] Even grotesque he commands a certain respect. [3183] And when he is seen out with his young hopeful, whose face grows longer and longer and longer with every step, then no further work is possible. [3184] He is taken for a widower, the gaudiest colours are of no avail, rather make things worse, he finds himself saddled with a wife long since deceased, [⁁]in child-bed as likely as not. [3185] And my antics would be viewed as the harmless effect of my widowhood, presumed to have unhinged my mind. [3186] I boiled with anger at the thought of him who had shackled me thus. [3187] If he had desired my failure he could not have devised a better [⁁]means to it. [3188] [₰] If I could have reflected with my usual calm on the work I was required to do, it would perhaps have seemed of a nature more likely to benefit than to suffer by the presence of my son. [3189] But let us not go back on that. [3190] Perhaps I could pass him off as my assistant, or a mere nephew. [3191] I would forbid him to call me papa, or show me any sign of affection, in public, if he did not want to get one of those clouts he so dreaded.
[3192] And if I whistled fitfully while revolving these lugubrious thoughts, I suppose it was because I was happy at heart to leave my house, my garden, my village, I who usually left them with regret. [3193] Some people whistle for no reason at all. [3194] Not I. [3195] And while I came and went in my room, tidying up, putting back my clothes in the wardrobe and my hats in the boxes from which I had taken them the better to make my choice, locking the various drawers, while thus employed I had the joyful vision of myself far from home, from the familiar faces, from all my sheet-anchors, sitting on a milestone in the dark, my legs crossed, one hand on my thigh, my elbow in that hand, my chin cupped in the other, my eyes fixed on the earth as on
[p. 41r]
[3195] a chessboard, coldly hatching my plans, for the next day, for the day after, creating time to come. [3196] And then I forgot that my son would be at my side, restless, plaintive, whinging for food, whinging for sleep, dirtying his drawers. [3197] I opened the drawer of my night-table and took out a full tube of morphine tablets, my favourite sedative.
[3198] I have a huge bunch of keys, it weighs [⁁]over a pound. [3199] Not a door, not a drawer in my house but the key to it goes with me, wherever I go. [3200] I carry them in the right-hand pocket of my trousers, of my breeches in this case. [3201] A massive chain, attached to my braces, prevents me from losing them. [3202] This chain, four or five times longer than necessary, lies, coiled, on the bunch, in my pocket. [3203] Its weight gives me a list to the right, when I am tired, or when I forget to counteract it, by a muscular effort.
[3204] I looked round for the last time, saw that I had neglected certain precautions, rectified this, took up my haversack, I nearly wrote my bagpipes, my boater, my umbrella, I hope I'm not forgetting anything, switched off the light, went out into the passage and locked my door. [3205] That at least is clear. [3206] Immediately I heard a strangling noise. [3207] It was my son, sleeping. [3208] I woke him. [3209] We haven't a moment to lose, I said. [3210] Desperately he clung to his sleep. [3211] That was natural. [3212] A few hours sleep however deep are not enough for an organism in the first stages of puberty suffering from stomach-trouble.. [3213] And when I began to shake him and help him out of bed, pulling him first by the arms, then by the hair, he turned away from me in fury, to the wall, and dug his nails into the mattress. [3214] I had to muster all my strength to overcome his resistance. [3215] But I had hardly freed him from the bed when he broke from my hold, threw himself down on the floor and rolled about, screaming with anger and defiance. [3216] [⁁]The fun was beginning already. [3217] This disgusting exhibition left me no choice but to use my umbrella, holding it by the end with both hands. [3218] But a word on the subject of my boater,
[p. 42r]
[3218] before I forget. [3219] Two holes were bored in the brim, one on either side of course, I had bored them myself, with my little gimlet. [3220] And in these holes I had secured the ends of an elastic long enough to pass under my chin, under my jaws rather, but not too long, for it had to hold fast, under my jaws rather. [3221] In this way, however great my exertions, my boater stayed in its place, which was on my head. [3222] Shame on you, I cried, you ill-bred little pig! [3223] I would get angry if I were not careful. [3224] And anger is a luxury I cannot afford. [3225] For then I go blind, blood veils my eyes and I hear what the great Gustave heard, the benches creaking in the court of assizes. [3226] Oh it is not without scathe that one is gentle, courteous, reasonable, patient, day after day, year after year. [3227] I threw down my umbrella and ran from the room. [3228] On the stairs I met Martha coming up, capless, dishevelled, her clothes in disorder. [3229] What's going on? she cried. [3230] I looked at her. [3231] She went back to her kitchen. [3232] Trembling I hastened to the shed, seized my axe, went into the yard and began hacking madly at an old chopping-block that lay there and on which in winter, tranquilly, I split my logs. [3233] Finally the blade sank into it so deeply that I could not get it out. [3234] The efforts I made to do so brought me, with exhaustion, calm. [3235] I went upstairs again. [3236] My son was dressing. He was crying. [3237] Everybody was crying. [3238] I helped him put on his knapsack. [3239] I told him not to forget his raincoat. [3240] He began to put it in his knapsack. [3241] I told him to carry it over his arm, for the moment. [3242] It was nearly midnight. [3243] I picked up my umbrella. [3244] Intact. [3245] Get on, I said. [3246] He went out of the room which I paused for a moment to survey, before I followed him. [3247] It was a shambles. [3248] The night was fine, in my humble opinion. [3249] Scents filled the air. [3250] The gravel crunched under our feet. [3251] No, I said, this way. [3252] I entered the little wood. [3253] My son floundered behind me, bumping into the trees. [3254] He did not know how to find his way in the dark. [3255] He was still young, the words of reproach died on my lips. [3256] I stopped. [3257] Take my hand, I said. [3258] I might
[p. 43r]
[3258] have said, Give me your hand. [3259] I said, Take my hand. [3260] Strange. [3261] But the path was too narrow for us to walk abreast. [3262] So I put my hand behind me and my son grasped it, gratefully I [⁁]fancied. [3263] So we came to the little wicket-gate. It was locked. [3264] I unlocked it and stood aside, to let my son precede me. [3265] I turned back to look at my house. [3266] It was partly hidden by the little wood. The roof's serrated ridge, the single chimney-stack with its four flues, stood out faintly against the sky spattered with a few dim stars. [3267] I offered my face to the black mass of fragrant vegetation that was mine and with which I could do as I pleased and never be gainsaid. [3268] It was full of songbirds, their heads under their wings, fearing nothing, for they knew me. [3269] My trees, my bushes, my flower-beds, my tiny lawns, I used to think I loved them. [3270] If I sometimes cut a branch, a flower, it was solely for their good, that they might increase in strength and happiness. [3271] And I never did it without a pang. [3272] Indeed if the truth were known, I did not do it at all, I got Christy to do it. [3273] I grew no vegetables. [3274] Not far off was the hen-house. [3275] When I said I had turkeys, and so on, I lied. [3276] All I had was a few hens. [3277] My grey hen was there, not on the perch with the others, but on the ground, in a corner, in the dust, at the mercy of the rats. [3278] The cock no longer sought her out to tread her angrily. [3279] The day was at hand, if she did not take a turn for the better, when the other hens would join forces and tear her to pieces, with their beaks and claws. [3280] All was silent. [3281] I have an extremely sensitive ear. [3282] Yet I have no ear for music. [3283] I could just hear that adorable murmur of tiny feet, of quivering feathers and feeble, smothered clucking that hen-houses make at night and [⁁]that dies down long [₰] before dawn. [3284] How often I had listened to it, entranced, in the evening, saying, Tomorrow I am free. [3285] And so I turned again a last time towards my little all, before I left it, in the hope of keeping it.
[3286] In the lane, having locked the wicket-gate, I said to my son, Left.
[p. 44r]
[3287] I had long since given up going for walks with my son, though[₰] I sometimes longed to do so. [3288] The least outing with him was torture, he lost his way so easily. [3289] Yet when alone he seemed to know all the short cuts. [3290] When I sent him to the grocer's, or to Mrs[₰] Clement's, or even further afield, on the road to V for grain, he was back in half the time I would have taken for the journey myself, and without having run. [3291] For I did not want my son to be seen capering in the streets like the little hooligans he frequented on the sly. [3292] No, I wanted him to walk like his father, with little rapid steps, his head up, his breathing even and economical, his arms swinging, looking neither to left nor right, apparently oblivious to everything and in reality missing nothing. [3293] But with me he invariably took the wrong turn, a crossing or a simple corner was all he needed to stray from the right road, it of my election. [3294] I do not think he did this on purpose. [3295] But leaving everything to me he did not heed what he was doing, or look where he was going, and went on mechanically plunged in a kind of dream. [3296] It was as though he let himself be sucked in [₰] out of sight by every opening that offered. [3297] So that we had got into the habit of taking our walks separately. [3298] And the only walk we regularly took together was that which led us, every Sunday, from home to church and, mass over, from church to home. [3299] Caught up then in the slow tide of the faithful my son was not alone with me. [3300] But he was part of that docile herd going yet again to thank God for his goodness and to implore his mercy and forgiveness, and then returning, their souls made easy, to other gratifications.
[3301] I waited for him to come back, then spoke the words calculated to settle this matter once and for all. [3302] Get behind me, I said, and keep behind [⁁]me. [3303] This solution had its points, from several points of view. [3304] But was he capable of keeping behind [⁁]me? [3305] Would not the time be bound to come when