Digital Manuscript ProjectNot I / Pas moi

[0007]
coming up to 65 ... walking in a field ...
searching for cowslips ... to make a ball ...
when suddenly all went out ... all that
early April morning light ... and she
found herself in the ... what? ... I? ...
no ... no! ... she ... found herself in the
dark ...
[0008] and if not exactly ... insentient ...
insentient ... for she still heard ... the old buzzing
so called! ... in her ears ...
and a ray of light ... came & went ...
came & went ... such as the moon
might shed ... drifting ... in & out of clouds ...
[0008]
but so lessened ... sensation ... sensation
so lessened ... she did not know ... what
position she was in ... whether standing ...
or sitting ... but the brain ... what? ...
lying? ... yes ... whether standing ...
or sitting ... or lying ...
[0009] but the brain
still ... in a way ... for her first
thought was ... after some time it is true ...
her first thought ... brought up as she had
been to believe ... (beginning
of laugh) ... in a merciful ... (laugh) ... God
(unrestrained laugh) ...
[0010] first thought was ...
she was being punished ... for her sins ...
a number of which then ... further proof
if proof were needed ... flashed through
her mind ...
[0011]
then dismissed [⁁]as foolish[⁁] ... this thought
dismissed ... as she gradually realised ...
she was not suffering ... indeed could
not remember ... when she had suffered
less ... unless of course ... she was meant to
be suffering ... thought to be suffering ...
[0011]
just as so often ... in the past ... when
clearly meant to be having pleasure ...
she was in fact ... having none what-
soever ... in which case of course ... that
notion of punishment ... for some sin
or other ... or for no special reason purpose ...
[0011]
for its own sake ... thing she understood
perfectly ... that notion of
punishment ... which had first occurred
to her ...
[0011]
brought up as she was to believe ... (laugh begins)
in a merciful ... (laugh) ... God ...
(unrestrained laugh) ... first occurred
to her ... then been dismissed ... as foolish ...
was perhaps not so foolish ... after all ...
so on ... all that ...
[0012]
till another thought ...
some time later
it is true ... very
childish really but - ... what? ...
buzzing? ... yes ... all the time the
buzzing ... so-called ... in the ears ...
though actually ... not in the ears at all ...
but in the heart ... the very heart
of the skull ... and
till another thought ...
some time later
it is true ... very
childish really but -
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Not I / Pas moi © 2022 Samuel Beckett Digital Manuscript Project.
Editors: James Little and Vincent Neyt