Digital Manuscript ProjectNot I / Pas moi

[0004] ...birth...into this world...this world...of a tiny
little thing...five pounds...in a godfor-...what?...
girl?...tiny little girl...into this...in a godforsaken
hole...in the bog...named -...what?...the downs?
...godforsaken hole in the downs?...no...no!...the bog...
godforsaken hole in the bog...named...named...forgotten...
[0005]to parents unknown...he having vanished... vanished
into...thin air...no sooner done his...devilish work??
work...and she similarly...nine months later...almost
to the minute...[0006]so no love...such as normally showered
on the...speechless infant...in the home...no...nor
indeed [⁁]for that matter any of any kind...at any subsequent...time stage
...so usual affair...nothing worthy of note
[0007] till...coming
up to sixty when...what?...sixty-five?...coming up to
sixty-five...walking in a field...searching aimlessly for cow-
slips...to make a ball...when suddenly all went out...
all that early April morning light...and she found herself
in the -...what?...I?...no...nox!...she ...found herself
in the dark...
[0008]and if not exactly...insentient...insentient
...for wshe still could heard the buzzing...so-called!...in
the ears...and a ray of light...such as the moon might
shed...drifteing...in and out of cloud...but so lessened...
sensation...sensation so lessened...she did not know...
what position she swas in...whether standing...otr sitting...
but the brain 6.. brain -...what?...lying?...whxether
standing...or sitting...or lying...
[0009]but the brain still...
in a way sense...for her first thought was...after some time
it is true...her first thought...brought up as she had
been to believe (laugh)...in a merciful (laugh)...God
(laugh)...[0010]first thought was...she was being punished...
for her sins iniquities[stet] ...a number of which then...further proof
if proof were needed...flashed through her mind...
[0011] then dismissed as foolisgh...this thought dismissed...
as she gradually ralised realized...she was not suffer-
ing...not suffering at all...indeed could not remember...when she had suffered
less...unless of course... course she was...meant to be
suffering at all...thought to be suffereing...just as so often...
in the past...when clearly intended to be habving pleasure...
[0011] she was in fact...having none whatsoever not the slightest...in which case
of course...that notion of punishment...for some sin or
other...or for no special reason...for its own sake...
thing she understood perfecftly...that notion of punish-
ment...which had first occurred to her...brought up as
she had been to believe (laugh)...in a merciful (laugh)...
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