MS-UoR-1227-7-12-4

[0011] meant to be suffereing suffering...thought to be suffer-
ing...just as so often in her life once or twice ^{the few times odd time}...in
her life...when clearly meant to be having pleasure...
she was in fact...having noⁿe...not the slightest...in
which case of course...that notion of punishment...for
some sin or other...or for the lot...or no particular

[0011] reason...for its own c^sake...thing she understood perfect-
ly...that notion of punishment...which had first occurred
to her...sudden flash...brought up as she had been to
believe...with the other waifs...in a merciful^...(laugh)...
God^...(^good laugh)...first occurred to gher her...then dismis-
sed...as foolish...was perhaps not so foolish...after
all...so on...all that...

[0012] till another thought...sudden
flash...oh long ag^fter...very childish ^foolish really but - ...
what?...the buzzing?...yes...all the time the buzzing...
so-called!...in the ears...though of course actually...
not in the ears at all...in the skull ...dull roar in the
skull...and all the time...this ray or beam...like from

[0012] a moon...but no doubt not ^[D] ...just all part of the the ^same wish
to...torment...though ^actually not in the least...not a twinge...
so far...ha!...so far...this other thought then...very
foolish really but so like her...that she might do well
to groan...on and off...(writhe she could not)...as though
in actual...agony...

[0013]but could not...could not bring her-
self...some flaw in her make-up...incapable of deceit...^[E]
[0014]dead silence of course...all this time but fo^r the buz-
zing...so-called!...[0015]no part of her moving...that she
could feel...only the eyelids...presumably...on and off...
to shut out the light...faint though it was...reflex they
call it...no feeling of any kind...but the lids...even at
the best of times...who feels them?...opening...shutting...
all that moisture...

[0016] but the brain still sufficiently...
oh very l^much so§^!...at this stage...in control...under con-
trol...to question the matter...for on that April morning..
so it reasoned...that April morning...she fixing with her
eye...a distant cowslip ^{flower bloom fxxx bell (in a cowslip bell I lie)} ...as she hastened towards it...
fixing it with her eye...lest it elude her...had not all

[0016] gone out...all that light...of itself...without any...
any...on her part...and so on...so on it reasoned...vain
questionings...and all dead still...sweet silent as the
grave... when suddenly...gradually...she realiz - ...
what?...the buzzing?...yes...all dead still but for the
buzzing...so-called!...

[0017]when suddenly she realized...^words
were6 were - ...what?...who?...what?...no...no!...she...^{movement 2}
realized words were coming...words were coming!...a voice
she did not recognize...at first...it was so long...since
she had uttered ^{heard it it had sounded}

[0018]...but had finally to admit...to herself...
could be no other...than her own...certain vowel sounds...
she had never heard...elsewhere...so that people would
look ^stare at her...on the rare occasions...once or twice a
year...^{winter mostly... always winter some strange reason...stare at her} uncomprehending...and now...this unbroken ^steady stream...
she who had never...on the contrary...practically speech-
less ...all her days...how she survived

[0019]...even shopping...
busy shopping centre...supermart...just j^handed in the
list...with the shopping bag...then stood there waiting...
any length of time...middle of the throng...motioneless...
staring into space...till it was back in her hand...the
bag...then paid and went...not as much as goodbye...how