[1033] 
[p. 48r]they resume the thread of my misfortunes, judging me insufficiently
vitalized to bring them to a successful conclusion alone and unaided. [1034] But instead of making the junction, I have often noticed
this, I mean instead of resuming me at the point where I was
left off, they pick me up at a much later stage, perhaps thereby
hoping to induce in me the delusion that I had got through the
interval all on my own, lived without help of any kind
for quite some time, without any recollection of by what means or
in what circumstances, or even died, all on my own, and come
back to earth again, by way of the vagina, like a real live baby,
and reached a ripe age, and even senility, without the least
assistance from them and thanks solely to the indications they
had given me. [1035] To saddle me with a lifetime is probably not enough
for them, I have to be given a taste of two or three generations. [1036] But it is not certain. [1037] Perhaps all they have told me has reference
to a single existence, the confusion of identities being merely
apparent and due to my inaptitude to assume any. [1038] If I ever succeed
in dying under my own steam, then they will be in a better position
to decide whether I am worthy to adorn another age, or to try the
same one again, in the light of my experience. [1039] I may therefore
legitimately suppose that the one-armed, one-legged wayfarer of
a moment ago and the wedge-headed trunk in which I am now stuck
marooned are simply two phases of the same carnal envelope,
the soul being notoriously immune from necrosis and dismemberment. [1040] Having lost one leg, what indeed more likely than
that I should mislay the other? [1041] And similarly for the arms. [1042] A
natural transition in sum. [1043] But what then of that other old age
they bestowed upon me, if I remember right, and that other
middle age, when neither legs nor arms were lacking, but simply
the power to profit benefit by them? [1044] And of that kind of youth in which
they had to give me up for dead? [1045] If I have a warm place, it
is not in their hearts.] [B. Chicago Review extract ends] 
[1046] No doubt they have done what they could to
be agreeable to me, to get me out of here, on no matter what pretext, in no matter what disguise. [1047] All I reproach them with is their
insistence. [1048] For beyond them is that other who will not give me
[p. 49r][/] quittance until they have abandoned me as inutilizable, and restored me to myself. [1049] Then at last I can set about saying what I
was, and where, during all this long lost time. [1050] But who is he, who is
waiting for [/]that, from me? if my guess is right [1051] And who those others
whose designs are so different? [1052] And into whose hands I play
when I ask myself such questions. [1053] [⁁] But do I? [1054] In my jar did I ask myself questions? [1055] And in the arena? [1056] I have dwindled. [1057] I dwindle. [1058] Not so long ago,
with a kind of shrink of my head and shoulders, as when one
is scolded, I could disappear. [1059] Soon, at my present rate of
decrease, I may spare myself this effort. [1060] And spare myself the
trouble of closing my eyes, so as not to see the light, for they
are blinded by the jar, a few inches away. [1061] And I have only to let
my haed fall forward against the wall to be sure that the light
from [⁁] above, which at night is that of the moon, will not be reflected
there either, in those pretty little blue mirrors, I used to look
at myself in them, to try and enliven them. [1062] Wrong again, wrong again,
this effort and this trouble will not be spared me. [1063] For the woman,
displeased at seeing me sink lower and lower, has raised me up by
filling the bottom of my jar with sawdust which she changes every
week, when she makes my toilet. [1064] It is softer than the stone, but
less hygienic. [1065] And I had got used to the stone. [1066] Now I am getting
used to the sawdust. [1067] It's an occupation. [1068] I could never bear to be
idle, it saps one's energy. [1069] And I open and close my eyes, open
and close, as in the past. [1070] And I move my head in and out, in and
out, as heretofore. [1071] And notably at dawn I often bring it in, after
having left it out all night, and this with a very definite purpose in view, namely to taunt the woman and lead
her astray. [1072] For in the morning, when she has rattled up her
[| ]shutters (rideau), the first look of her eyes still moist with love
and sleep is for the jar. [1073] And when she does not see my head
she takes alarm and comes running to find out what has happened. [1074] For one
of two things has happened, either I have escaped during the night
[p. 50r] or else I have shrunk again. [1075] But just before she reaches me
what do I do but suddenly up with my head, like a
jack-in-the-box, the old eyes starting out of their sockets
glaring up at her. [1076] For I can make them goggle too, I can open
them and close them and make them goggle or beady like a pig's,
as the spirit moves me. [1077] And while it is true I cannot turn my
head, my neck having stiffened prematurely, this does not mean
it is always turned in the same direction. [1078] For with a kind
of tossing and writhing, I finally succeed in imparting to my
trunk the degree of twist required, and not merely in one direction, but in the other also. [1079] This little game, which I should
have thought inoffensive, has cost me dear, and yet I could have
sworn I was insolvable. [1080] It is true one does not know one's
riches until they are lost. [1081] And no doubt I have others still
that only require the thief to be brought home to me. [1082] And today, if I can still open and close my eyes, as in the past,
I can no longer, because of my roguish character, move
my head in and out, as in the good old days. [1083] For a collar, fixed
to the mouth of the jar, now secures encircles my neck, just below the chin. [1084] And my lips which used to be hidden, and which I sometimes pressed
against the freshness of the stone, can now be seen by all and
sundry. [1085] But this change is tempered, it is only fair to say, with
certain advantages which I did not enjoy before, among others the
opportunity of catching flies. [1086] I snap them up, clack! [1087] Does this
mean I have still my teeth? [1088] To have lost one's limbs and preserved
one's dentition, what a mockery! [1089] But it would surprise me. [1090] Flies. [1091]
They are not perhaps very nourishing, or tasty, but that is not
the point, the point is elsewhere, far from the useful and the
agreeable. [1092] I also catch moths, attracted by the lanterns,
but not so easily. [1093] But I am only a beginner, at this new exercise,
. I'll do better in time. [1094] Now to revert to the gloomy
side of this affair, I may say that this collar, or ring, of cement,
makes it very awkward for me to turn, in the way I have said. [1095] I
take advantage of this to learn to stay quiet. [1096] 
[p. 51r] To have forever before my eyes, when I open them, approximately
the same set of hallucinations exactly, is a joy I might have
never known, but for my cang. [1097] There is really only one thing
that worries me, and that is the prospect of being throttled
if I should ever happen to shorten further. [1098] Asphyxia! [1099] I who was
always the respiratory type, [1100] witness this thoracic cage (?) still mine
, together with the addomen. [1101] I who murmured, at every inhalation, Here comes the oxygen again, and each time I breathed out,
There go the impurities, the blood is bright red once more. [1102] The blue
face. [1103] The obscene protrusion of the tongue. [1104] The tumefaction of
the penis. [1105] The penis, that's a pleasant surprise, I'd forgotten I had one. [1106] What a pity I have no arms, there might still be something to
be wrung from it. [1107] No, tis better thus. [1108] At my age, to start
manstuprating again, it would be indecent. [1109] And fruitless. [1110] [⁁] And yet one never knows. [1111] With a yo heave ho, concentrating with all
my might on a horse's rump, at the moment when the tail rises,
who knows, I might not go altogether emptyhanded away. [1112] Heavens,
I almost felt it flutter! [1113] Does this mean they did not
geld me? [1114] I could have sworn they had gelt me. [1115] But perhaps I am
confusing with other scrota. [1116] Not another stir out of it
in any case. [1117] I'll concentrate again. [1118] A Shropshire. DOODLE 5 [1119] Come, come,
a little cooperation, please, , finish dying, it's the least you
might do, after all the trouble they have taken to bring you to
life. [1120] The worst is over. [1121] You have been sufficiently assassinated,
sufficiently suicided, to be able now to stand on your
own feet, like a big boy. [1122] That's what I tell myself. [1123] And I add,
quite carried away, Slough off this immortal inertia, it is out of place,
in this society. [1124] They can't do everything. [1125] They have put you on
the right road, they have led you by the hand to the very brink
of the precipice, now it's up to you, with an unassisted last step,
to show them your gratitude. [1126] I like this colourful language, these
bold metaphors and apostrophes. [1127] Through the splendours of nature
[p. 52r] they dragged a paralytic, and now that there is nothing more to
admire it is my duty to jump, that it may be said, There goes
another who has lived. [1128] It does not seem to cross their mind occur to them that
I was never there, [⁁] that these glassy eyes, this gaping mouth and the dribbling spittle
owe nothing to the Bay of Naples, or the Dublin slums . [1129] The last step! [1131]
I who could never achieve the first. [1132] But perhaps they would consider
themselves sufficiently repaid if I simply waited for the wind to
blow me over. [1133] That b y all means, it's in my repertory. [1135] The trouble
is there is no wind equal to it, the cliff would have to cave in under me. [1136] If only I were alive inside, one might look forward to heart
failure, or to a nice little infarctus somewhere [⁁] or other. [1137] It's usually
with sticks they put me out of their agony,
the idea being to desmonstrate, to the backers, and bystanders ,
that I had a beginning, and an end. [1138] Then, planting the foot on my
chest, where all is as usual, to the [⁁] people assembled, Ah if you had
seen him fifty years ago, what push, what go! [1139] Knowing perfectly
well that they have to begin me all over again. [1140] But perhaps I
exaggerate my need of them. [1141] I accuse myself of inertia, and yet
I move, at least I did, can I have missed the tide by any
chance? [1142] Let us examine consider the head. [1143] There something seems to stir,
from time to time, [1144] no reason therefore to despair of a fit of
apoplexy. [1145] What else? [1146] The organs of digestion and evacuation,
though sluggish, are not wholly inactive, as is shown by the attentions
I receive. [1147] It's encouraging. [1148] While there's life there's
hope. [1149] The flies, considered as external traumatic agents, hardly call for
mention. [1150] [⁁] I suppose they might bring me typhus. [1151] No, that's rats. [1152] I have seen
a few, but they are not yet reduced to me. [1153] A humble tapeworm? [1154] Not
interesting. [1155] It is clear in any case that I have lost heart too
lightly. [1156] It is quite possible I have all that is required to give
them satisfaction. [1157] But already I'm beginning to be there no longer,
in that calamitous street they have made so clear to me. [1158] I could
describe it, I could have, a moment ago, as if I had been there,
in the form they chose for me, diminished certainly, not the man
I was, not much longer for this world, but the eyes still open
[p. 53r] to impressions, and one ear, sufficiently, and the head sufficiently obedient, to provide me with at least a vague idea of the
elements to be removed from the setting, for all to be empty
and silent.