MS-HRC-SB-5-9-2

[p. cover]

[p. ins.cover]

[p. 01r] November 1957 [1048] abandoned me ^as inutilizable, and (restored me) to myself. [1049] Then then I can apply myself at last to saying what I was, and where, during all this lost time. [1050] But who is he who is waiting for that from me, if my guess is right? [1051] And who those others whose designs are so different? [1052] And into whose hands I play when I ask such ^things. [1053] But do I? [1054] In my jar did I ask myself questions? [1055] And in the arena? [1056] I dwindled.[1057] I dwindle. [1058] Not so long ago, with a kind of shrink of my shoulders and head, as when one is scolded, I could disappear. [1059] Soon, at the rate I am decreasing, I may spare myself the effort. [1060] And spare myself the trouble of closing my eyes, so as not to see the light, for they are blinded by the jar, a few inches away. [1061] And I have only to let my head fall forward against the wall to be sure that the light from above, which at night is that of the moon, will not be reflected in there either, in those pretty little blue mirrors, I used to look at myself in them, to please them. [1062] Wrong, wrong, this effort and this trouble will not be spared me. [1063] For the woman, displeased at seeing me sink lower and lower, has raised me up by filling the bottom of my jar with sawdust which she changes every week, when she makes my toilet. [1064] It's softer than the stone, but less hygienic. [1065] And I was used to the stone. [1066] Now I am getting used to the sawdust. [1067] It's an occupation. [1068] I could never bear inaction, it saps one's strength. [1069] And I open and close my eyes, open and close, as in the past. [1070] And I move my head in and out, in and out, as formerly. [1071] And notably at dawn I often bring it in, after having left it out all night, and this with a very definite purpose, namely in order to taunt the woman, and lead her astray. [1072] For in the morning, when she has rattled up her shutters ? (rideau), the first look of her eyes still moist with sleep and fornication is for the jar. [1073] And when she does not see me she takes alarm and comes running to see what ^{is wrong}. [1074] For one of two things has happened, either I have escaped during the night, or else I have diminished again. [1075] But just before she reaches me what do I do but suddenly pop up my head, like

[p. 01v]
DOODLE 1

[p. 02r]DOODLE 2 [1075] a jack-in-the-box, the old eyes starting out of their sockets glaring up at her. [1076] For I can make them ^goggle too, I can open them and close and make them goggle or beady like a pig's, as the fancy takes me. [1077] And while it is true I cannot turn my head, the neck having stiffened before the rest, this does not mean that it is always turned in the same direction. [1078] For with a kind of tossing and writhing, I finally succeed in imparting to my trunk the ^{degree of} twist required, and not merely in one direction, but in the other also. [1079] This little game, which I would have thought ^inoffensive, has cost me dear, and yet I could have sworn I was insolvable. [1080] It is true one does not know one's ^treasures, until they are lost. [1081] And no doubt I have others still that only await the thief to dawn upon me. [1082] And today, if can still open and close my eyes, as in the past, I can no longer, because of my roguish ways, move in and out my head, as in the good old days. [1083] For a collar, fixed to the mouth of the jar, now secures my neck, just below the chin. [1084] And my mouth which used to be hidden, and which I sometimes pressed against the freshness of the stone, can now be seen by all and sundry. [1085] But it is only fair to say this changed is tempered with certain advantages which I did not enjoy before, among others the possibility of catching flies. [1086] I snap them up, clack! [1087] Does this mean I have still my teeth? [1088] To have lost one's limbs and preserved one's dentition, what a mockery! [1089] But it would surprise me. [1090] Flies. [1091] They are not perhaps very nourishing, or tasty, but that is not the point, the point is elsewhere, far from the useful, and the agreeable. [1092] I also catch moths, attracted by the lanterns, but not so easily. [1093] But I am only a beginner, at this new exercise, I am far from having reached my peak. [1094] Now to revert to the gloomy side of this affair I may say that this collar, or ring, of cement, makes it very awkward for me to turn, in the way described. [1095] I take advantage of this to learn to stay quiet. [1096] To have before my eyes, when I open them, ^{approximately} the same ^set of hallucinations exactly, is a joy I might have never known, but for my cang. [1097] There is

[p. 02v]
DOODLE 3

[1097] [p. 03r] really only one thing that worries me, and that is the prospect of being ^{[↑]throttled}, if I should ever happen to shorten further. [1098] Asphyxia! [1099] I who was always the respiratory type, [1100] witness this thoracic cage (?) mine still, together with the abdomen. [1101] I who murmured, when I remembered, at every inhalation, Here comes the oxygen again, and each time I breathed out, There go the impurities, the blood is bright red again. [1102] The blue face. [1103] The obscene protrusion of the tongue. [1104] The tumefaction of the penis. [1105] The penis, that's a surprise, I'd forgotten I had one. [1106] What a pity I have no arms, there might be something to be squeezed from it. [1107] No, tis better thus. [1108] At my age, to start masturbating ^{manstuprating} again, it would be indecent. [1109] And fruitless. [1110] After all, one never knows. [1111] With a yo heave ho and concentrating with all my strength on a horse's rump, at the moment when the tail rises, who knows, I might not go empty-handed away. DOODLE 4 [1112] Heavens, I almost felt it flutter! [1113] Does this mean they didn't geld me? [1114] I could have sworn they had gelt me. [1115] But perhaps I am getting ^{muddled up} with other scrota (bags, pouches, purses). [1116] Not another stir out of it in any case. [1117] I'll concentrate again. [1118] A Cleveland. [1119] Come, come, a little cooperation, please, finish dying, it's the least you ^might do, after all the trouble they've taken, to bring you to life. [1120] The worst is over. [1121] They've sufficiently assassinated you, sufficiently suicided you, for you to stand now on your own feet, like a big boy. [1122] That's what I tell myself. [1123] And I add, in a passion, Slough off this immortal inertia, it's out of place, in this society. [1124] They can't do everything. [1125] They have put you on the right road, they have led you by the hand to the very edge of the precipice, now it's up to you, with an unassisted last step, to show them your gratitude. [1126] I like this colourful language, these bold metaphors and apostrophes. [1127] Through the splendours of nature they dragged a paralytic, and now that ^{there is} nothing ^more to admire my duty is to jump, so that it may be said, There goes another

[p. 03v]
DOODLE 5 DOODLE 6

[1127] [p. 04r] who has lived. [1128] It doesn't seem to occur to them that I was never there, that these glassy eyes, this gaping mouth and the froth therein owe nothing to the Bay of Naples, or ?. [1129] The last step! [1130] With what? [1131] I who could never manage the first. [1132] But perhaps they would consider themselves sufficiently repaid if I simply waited for the wind to blow me over. [1133] That with pleasure, it's in my repertory. [1135] The trouble is there is no wind equal to it, the cliff would have to cave in. [1136] If only I were alive inside, one might look forward to heart failure, or to a nice little infarctus somewhere. [1137] It's usually with sticks they finish me off, the idea being to demonstrate to the backers, and spectators, that I had a beginning, and an end. [1138] Then, planting the foot on my chest, in which all is as usual, to the sight-seers, Ah if you had seen him fifty years ago, what push, what go! [1139] Knowing perfectly well they have to begin me all over again. [1140] But perhaps I exaggerate my need of them. [1141] I accuse myself of inertia, and yet I move, at least I did, could I have missed the tide by any chance? [1142] Let us examine the head. [1143] There something seems to stir, from time to time. [1144] There is no reason therefore to despair of a fit of apoplexy. [1145] What else? [1146] The organs of digestion and evacuation, though sluggish, are not wholly inactive, witness the attentions I receive. [1147] It's encouraging. [1148] While there's life there's hope. [1149] The flies, considered as external agents, hardly call for mention. [1150] They might bring me typhus. [1151] No, that's the rats. [1152] I have seen a few, but they have other fish to fry. [1153] A little tapeworm? [1154] Not interesting. [1155] It is clear in any case that I have lost heart too lightly. [1156] It is quite possible I have all that is needed to give them satisfaction. [1157] But already I'm beginning to be there no longer, in that disastrous street they have made so clear to me. [1158] I could describe, I could have, a moment ago, as if I had been there, in the form they wished for me, diminished certainly, not long for this world, but the eyes still impressionable, and one ear sufficiently, and the head sufficiently obedient, to ^provide me with ^{at least} a vague idea of the things to be removed from the site, for all to be empty and silent. [1159] It was always thus. [1160] Just at the moment when the world is set up, and it begins to dawn on me how to leave it, all fades and disappears. [1161] I shall never see