[1968] But let us leave these dreams and try again, if only I knew what
they want, they want me to be Worm, but I was, I was, what's wrong,
I was, but ill, it must be that, it can only be that, what else
can it be, but that, I didn't report in the light, the light of
day, in their midst, to hear them say, Didn't we tell you you were
[p. 88r] alive and kicking? [1969] I have endured, that must be it, I shouldn't
have endured, but I feel nothing, yes yes, this voice, I have
endured it, I didn't fly from it, I should have fled, Worm should
have fled, but where, how, he's riveted, Worm should have dragged
himself away, no matter where, towrads 
them, the azure, but how
could he, he can't stir, it needn't be bonds, there are no bonds
here, it's as if he were rooted, that's bonds if you like, the
earth would have to quake, it isn't earth, one doesn't know what
it is, it's like sargasso, no, it's like molasses, no, no matter,
an eruption is what's needed, to spew him into the light. [1970] But
what calm, apart from the discourse, not a breath, it's suspicious,
the calm that precedes life, no no, not all this time, it's like
slime, paradise, it would be paradise, but for this noise, it's
life trying to get in, no, trying to get him out, or little bubbles
bursting all around, no, there's no air here, air is to make you
choke, light is to close your eyes, that's where he must go, where
it's never dark, , but here it's never dark either, yes, here it's
dark, it's [/]they who make this grey, with their lamps. [1971] When they go,
when they go silent, it will be dark, not a sound, not a glimmer,
but they'll never go, yes, they'll go silent perhaps, and go away,
one day, one evening, slowly, sadly, in Indian file, casting long
shadows, towards their master, who will punish them, or spare them,
there's nothign else, up above, for those who lose, punishment,
pardon, so they say. [1972] What have you done with your material? [1973] We
have left it behind. [1974] But commanded to say whether yes or no they
filled up the holes, have you filled up the holes yes or no, they
will say yes and no, or some will say yes, others no, at the same
time, not knowing what answer the master wants, to his question. [1975] But both are defendable, both yes and no, for they did fill up
the holes, if you like, and if you don't like they didn't, for
they didn't know what to do, on departing, whether to fill up the
holes or, on the contrary, leave them gaping wide. [1976] So they fixed
their lamps in the holes, their long lamps, to prevent them
closing of themselves, it's like potter's clay, their powerful
[p. 89r] lamps, lit and trained on the within, to make him think
they are still there, notwithstanding the silence, or to make him
think the grey is natural, or to make him go on suffering, for he
does not suffer from the noise [⁁] alone, he suffers from the grey too,
the light, he must, it's preferable, or to enable them to come
back, if the master commands them to, without his knowing they have
gone, as if he could know, or for no other reason than their ignorance of what to do, whether to fill up the holes or let them fill
up of themselves, it's like shit, there we have it at last, there it is
at last, the right word, one has only to search, search in vain,
to be sure of finding in the end, it's a question of elimination. [1977] Enough now about holes. [1978] The grey means nothing, the grey silence is
not necessarily a mere lull, to be got through somehow, it may be
final, or it may not. [1979] But the lamps unattended will not burn on for
ever, on the contrary, they will go out, little by little, without
attendants to charge them anew, and go silent, in the end. [1980] Then
it will be black. [1981] But it is with the black as with the grey, the black
proves nothing either, as to the value of the silence which so to speak it
inspissates. [1982] For they may come back, long after the lights
are spent, having pleaded in vain for years before the master and failed to convince him there is nothing to be done, with Worm,
for Worm. [1983] Then all will start over again, obviously. [1984] So it will
never be known, Worm will never know, let the silence be black, or
let it be grey, it can never be known, as long as it
lasts, whether it is final, or whether it is a mere lull, and what
a lull, when he must listen, strain his ears for the murmurs of
olden silences, hold himself ready for the next instalment, under pain of supplementary thunderbolts. [1985] But Worm
must not be confused with another. [1986] Though this has no importance, as
it happens. [1987] For he who has once had to listen will listen always,
whether he knows he will never hear anything again, or whether he
does not. [1988] In other words, they like other words, no doubt about
that, silence once broken will never again be whole. [1989] Is there then
no hope? [1990] Good gracious, no, heavens, what an idea! [1991] Just a faint
[p. 90r] one perhaps, but which will never serve. [1992] But one forgets. [1993] Or if there is only one he will depart all alone, towards his
master, and his long shadow will follow him, across the desert,
it's a desert, that's news, Worm will see the light in the desert,
the light of day, the desert day, the day they catch him, it's the
same as everywhere else, they say not, they say it is purer,
clearer, fat lot of difference that will make, oh it is not necessarily the Sahara, there are others, it's the ozone that matters, in
the beginning, yes indeed, in the end too, it sterilizes. [1996] But this
livid eye, what use is it to him? [1997] To see the light, they
call that seeing, no objection, since it causes him suffering,
they call that suffering, they know how to cause suffering, the
master explained to them, Do this, do that, you'll see him wriggle,
you'll hear him weep. [1998] He weeps, it's a fact, oh not a very firm
one, to be made the most of quick. [1999] As for
the wriggling, zero. [2000] But there is this to be said, things are only
beginning, though long since begun, they will not get lose heart
they'll remember the motto of William the Silent and keep on
talking. [2001] That's what they're paid for, not for results. [2002] Enough
about them, they can talk of nothing else, all is theirs, but for
them there would be nothing, not even Worm, he's an idea they have,
a word they use, when speaking of them, enough about them. [2003] But
this grey, this light, if he could escape from this light,
which makes him suffer, is it not obvious it would
make him suffer more and more, in whatever direction he went,
since he is at the centre, and drive him back there, necessarily,
after forty or fifty vain excursions? [2004] No, that is not obvious. [2005] For it is obvious that the light would lessen as he went towards
it, they would see to that, to make him think he was on the right
road and so bring him to the wall. [2006] Then the blaze, the capture and
the paean. [2007] As long as he suffers there's hope, even though they
need none, to make him suffer. [2008] But how can they know
he suffers? [2009] Do they see him? [2010] They say they do. [2011] But it's impossible. [2012] Do they hear him? [2013] Certainly not. [2014] He makes no noise. [2015] Perhaps a
little with his weeping. [2016] In any case they are easy in
[p. 91r] their minds, rightly or wrongly, he suffers, and thanks to them. [2017] Oh not yet sufficiently, but gently does it. [2018] An excess of severity
at this stage might darken his understanding for ever. [2019] Another thing. [2020] The problem is delicate. [2021] The dulling force of habit,
how do they deal with that? [2022] They can combat [Stet] it of course, raising the
voiice , increasing the light. [2023] But suppose, instead of suffering
less, as time flies, he continues to suffer as much, precisely, as
the first day? [2024] That must be possible. [2025] And but suppose, instead of
suffering less than the first day, or no less, he suffers
more and more, as time flies, and the metamorphosis is accomplished,
of unchanging future into unchangeable past. [2025|001] Eh? [2026] Another thing,
but of a different order. [2027] The affair is thorny. [2028] Is not a uniform suffering preferable to one which, by its [/] ups and downs,
is liable at certain moments to encourage the view that perhaps
after all it will not last for ever? [2029] That must depend on the object pursued. [2030] Namely please? [2031] A little access of impatience, on
the part of the patient. [2032] Thank you. [2033] That is the immediate object. [2034] Afterwards there will be others. [2035] Afterwards he'll be given lessons
in keeping quiet. [2036] But for the moment let him toss and turn at least,
roll on the ground, damn it all, since there's no other remedy,
anything at all, to relieve the monotony. [2037] Damn it all, look at the burnt
alive, they don't have to be told, when not lashed to the stake, to rush
about in every direction, without method, crackling, in search of a little cool [2038] There are even those whose sang-froid is such that they throw themselves out of the window. [2039] No one asks him to go to those lengths. [2040] But simply
to discover without further assistance from without the assuagements
of flight from self, that's all, he won't go far, he won't need to
go far. [2041] Simply to find within himself a palliative for what he is,
through no fault of his own. [2042] Simply to imitate the hussar who gets
up on a chair the better to adjust the plume on his busby, it's the
least he might do. DOODLE 12 [2043] No one asks him to think, simply to suffer,
always in the same way, without hope of diminution, without hope of
dissolution, it's no more complicated than that. [2044] No need to think
to despair. [2045] Agreed then on monotony, it's more stimulating. [2046] But how can it be ensured? [2047] No matter, no matter how, they are
[p. 92r] doing the best they can, with the miserable means at their
disposal, a voice, a little light, poor devils, that's what
they're paid for, they say, No sign of hardening, no sign of
softening, impossible to say, no matter, it's a fair average,
we have only to continue, one day he'll understand, one day he'll
thrill, the little spasm will come, a change in the eye, and
cast him up among us. [2048] To be on the watchout and never sight,
to listen for the moan that never comes, that's not a life worth
living either. [2049] And yet it's theirs. [2050] He is there, says the master,
somewhere, do as I tell you, bring him before me, he's lacking
to my glory. [2051] But one last effort, one more, it may be the last,
that's the way, each time as if it were the last,
the only way not to lose ground. [2052] A great gulp of stinking
air and off we go, we'll be back in a second. [2053] Forward! [2054] That's soon said. [2055] But where is forward? [2056] And why? [2057] The dirty pack of fake maniacs, they know I don't know,
they know I forget all they say as fast as they say it. [2058] These
little pauses are a poor trick too. [2059] When they go silent so do I. [2060] A second later. [2061] I'm a second behind them, I remember a second,
for the space of a second, that is to say long enough to blurt it out,
as received, while receiving the next, which is none of my
business either. [2062] Not an instant I can call my own and they want
me to know where next to turn. [2063] Ah I know what I'd know, and where
I'd turn, if I had a head that worked. [2064] Let them tell me again what I'm
doing, if they want me to look as if I were doing it. [2065] This tone,
these words, to make me think they come from me. [2066]
Always the same old dodges, ever since they took it into their
heads that my existence is only a question of time. [2067] I think I must
have blackouts, whole sentences lost, no, not whole. [2068] Perhaps I've
missed the keyword to the whole business. [2069] I wouldn't have understood it, but I would have said it, that's all that's required,
it would have spoken in my favour, next time they judge me, well
well, so they judge me from time to time, they neglect nothing
. [2070] Perhaps one day I'll know, say, what I'm guilty of. [2071] How many
[p. 93r] of us are there altogether, finally?