MS-HRC-SB-5-10

[0332] Method or no method I shall have to banish them in any ^{the end,} case, the things, shapes, sounds and lights with which my haste to speak has encumbered this pla[p. 11r] to speak has encumbered this place. [0333] In the frenzy of utterance the concern with truth. [0334] Hence the interest of a possible riddance ^deliverance by means of encounter. [0335] But not so fast. [0336] First dirty, then ^make clean up.

[0337] Perhaps it is time I paid a little attention to myself, for a change. [0338] I shall be driven ^reduced to it sooner or later. [0339] At first sight it seems impossible. [0340] Me, utter me, in the same foul breath as my creatures? [0341] Say i^of me that I see this, feel that, fear, hope, know and do not know? [0342] Yes, I will say it, and of me alone. [0343] Impassive, still and mute, propping up his jaw, Malone revolves, a stf^ranger for ever to my infirmities, [0344] one who is not as I can never ^not be. [0345] I am motionless in vain, he is the god. [0346] And the other. [0347] I have assigned him eyes that implore me, offerings for me, need of help ^succour. [0348] [x]^He does not look at me, does not know of me, wants for nothing. [0349] I alone am man and all the rest divine.

[0350] Air, the air, is there anything to be squeezed from that old chestnut? [0351] V^Close to me it is grey, faintly ^dimly transparent, and beyond that charmed circle deepens and spreads it^s fine impenetrable veils. [0352] Is it I who cast the dim ^faint light that enables me to see what goes on under my nose? [0353] There is nothing to be gained, for the moment, by si^upposing so. [0354] There is no night so deep, so I have heard tell, that it may not be pierced in the end, a little way, with the help of no other light than that of the blackneed sky, or of the earth itself. [0355] Nothing nocturnal here. [0356] This grey, first murky, then frankly opaque, is luminous none the less. [0357] But may not this screen which my eyes probe in vain, and see as denser air, in reality[p. 12r] be the i^enclosure wall, as compact ^solid as plumbago ^lead? [0358] In order t^To throw light on ^elucidate thsⁱs question ^matter I should need a stick or pole, and the means of plying it, the former being of little use without the latter, and vice versa. [0359] I could also do, incidentally, with future and conditional participles. [0360] Then I would dart ^{flourish dart} it, like a javelin, straight before me and know, according ^by to the sound made, whether that which hems me round, and prevents my seeing, ^{obstructs my vision,} is the old void, or a plenum. [0361] Or else, without letting it go, I would wield it like a sword and thrust it through the ^{[⁁] empty} air, or against the wall. [0362] But the days of sticks are over, here I can rely on my body alone, my body incapable of the least ^smallest movement and the ^whose very eyes of which can no longer close as they once did ^could, according to Basil and his consorts[⁁] ^{gang crew}, to rest me from seeing, and not sleeping ^{to rest me from waking,} or simply to help me to sleep, nor[⁁] ^{and [xxx] cannot} look away, nor be lowered or raised open to heavenn heaven, ^{and cannot look down or look up open or down, or up open to heaven} but must remain centred ^{[stay] for ever fixed and} staring wide on the narrow space before them where there is nothing to be seen, ninety-nine percent ^99% of the time. [0363] They must be as red as live coals. [0364] I sometimes wonder if the two retinae are not facing each other. [0365] And come to think of it this grey is shot with rose, like the plumage of certain birds, among which the cocatoo I believe.

[0366] Whether all grows black, or all grows bright, or all remains grey, it is grey we need, to begin with, being ^because of what it is, and able to do what it is able to do ^{of what it can do}, made of bright and black, able to shed the former, or the latter, and be the latter or the former[p. 13r] alone. [0367] But perhaps I am the ^a prey, on the subject of grey, in ^the grey, to delusions.

[0368] How, in such conditions, can I write, to consider only the mechanical ^manual aspect of that bitter folly? [0369] I don't know. [0370] I could know. [0371] But I will not know. [0372] Not this time. [0373] It is I who write, who cannot raise my hand from my knee. [0374] It sⁱs I who think, just enough to write, whose head is far. [0375] I am Matthew and I am the angel, I who came before the cross, before the sinning, came into the world, came here.

[0376] I add this, for safety's sake ^{to be on the safe side}. [0377] These things I utter ^say, and shall utter ^say, if I can, are no longer, or are not yet, or never were, or never will be, or if they were, if they are, if th they will be, were not here, are not here, will not be here, but elsewhere. [0378] But I am here. [0379] So I am obliged to add this. [0380] I who am here, who cannot speak, cannot think, and who must speak, and the therefore perhaps think a little, cannot in relation only to me who am here, to here where I am, but can a little, enough ^sufficiently, I don't know how, unimportant, in relation to me who was elsewhere, who shall be elsewhere, and to those places where I was, where I shall be. [0381] But I have never been elsewhere, however uncertain the future. [0382] And the simplest is to say that wa^hat I say, what I shall say, if I can, relates to the place where I am, to me who am there, in spite of my inability to think of these, or to speak of them, because of the compulsion I am under to speak of them, and therefore ^perhaps to think of them a little. [0383] Another thing. What I say, what I may say, on this subject, the subject of[p. 14r] me and of my abode, has already been said, since, having been here always; always, I am still here. [0384] At last a piece of reasoning that pleases me, ^and worthy of my situation. [0385] So I have nothing to worry about ^{no cause for anxiety}. [0386] And yet I worry ^{am anxious}. [0387] So I am not heading for disaster, I am not heading anywhere, my adventures are over, my sayings said ^{sayings say said}, I call that my adventures. [0389] And I greatly fear, since my speech can only be of me and here, that I am once more engaged in putting an end to them. [0390] Which would not matter, on the contrary, ^{far from it,} but for the compulsion, once rid of them, to begin again, to start again from nowhere, from no one and from nothing and win to me again, to me here again, by fresh ways to be sure, or by the ancient ways, unrecognizable at each fresh faring. [0391] Whence a certain confusion in the exordia, long enough to situate the condemned and prepare him for execution. [0392] Yet I do not despair ^{have not given up hope} [Stet] of one day sparing me, without going silent. [0393] And that dau^y, I don't know why, I shall be able to go silent, and make an end, I know it. [0394] Yes, the hope is there, once again, of not making me, not losing me, of staying here, where I said I have always been, but I had to say something quick, of ending it ^here, it would be wonderful. [0395] But is it to be wished? [0396] Yes, it is to be wished, to end is to be wished, to end w would be wonderful, whoever ^{no matter who} I am, wherever ^{no matter where} I am.

[0397] I hope this preamble will soon end ^and the statement begin that will decide my fate ^{dispose of me}. [0398] Unfortunately I am afar afraid, as always, to go any further ^on. [0399] For to go any further ^on means going from here, means finding me, losing me, vanishing and beginning[p. 15r] again, a stranger first, then little by little the same as always, in another place, where I shall say I have always been, of which I shall know nothing, being incapable of seeing, moving, thinking, spek^aking, but of which little by little, in spite of these handicaps, I shall ^{begin to} know soe^mething, just enough for it to turn out to be the same as always, the same which seems made for me and does not want me, which I seem to want and do not want, as preferred ^{take your choice}, which spews me out or swallows me up, I don't ^{I'll never} know, which is perhaps merely the inside of my f^distant skull, where once I wandered, now am fixed, lost for tininess, or straining against the walls, with my head, my hands, my feet, my back, and always ^ever murmuring my old stories, my old story, as if it were the first time. . [0400] So there is nothing to fear be afraid of. [0401] And yet I am afraid, afraid of what my words will do to me, to my hiding-place, yet again. [0402] Is there really nothing new to try? [0403] I mentioned my hope, but it is not serious. [0404] And i^If I could speak and yet say nothing, really nothing? [0405] Then I might escapedbeing nibbled ^kgnawed to death as by an old satis^ated rat, and my little tester-bed along with me, a cradle, or I would not be nibbled ^gnawed to death ^not so fast, in my old cradle, and the lacerated ^torn flesh would have time to knit again, as in the Caucasus, before being torn again. [0406] But it seems impossible to talk ^speak and yet say nothing, you think you have succeeded, but you always forget ^overlook something, a little yes, a little no, enough to exterminate a regiment of dragoons. [0407] And yet I do not despair, this time, while saying who I am, where I am, of not losing l^me, not going from here, ^of ending here. [0408] What prevents the miracle is the spirit of[p. 16r] method to which I have benn perhaps a little too given ^addicted.