MS-HRC-SB-4-3

[0022] I shall suffer more, then less, without drawing any conclusions,
I shall pay less heed to myself, I shall be neither hot nor cold
any more, I shall be tepid, I shall die tepid, without entusiasm.
enthusiasm. [0023] I shall not watch myself die, that would spoil every-
thing. [0024] Have I watched myself live? [0025] Have I ever complained? [0026] Then
why rejoice now? [0027] I am content, necessarily, but not to the point
of clapping my hands. [0028] I was always content, knowing I would be
repaid. [0029] There he is now, my old debtor.

[0030] Shall I then fall on his
neck? [0031] I shall not answer any more questions. [0032] I shall even try
not to ask myself any more. [0034] While waiting I shall tell myself
stories, if I can. [0035] They will not be the same kind of stories as
hitherto, that is all. [0036] They will be neither beautiful nor ugly,
they will be calm, there will be no ugliness or beauty or fever
in them any more, they will be almost lifeless, like the teller.

[0037] What was that I said? [0038] It does not matter. [0039] I look forward to their
giving l^me great satisfaction, some satisfaction. [0040] I am satisfied,
there it is^[₰], I have enough, I am repaid, I need nothing more.
[0041] Let me say before I go any further that I forgive nobody. [0042] I wish
them all an atrocious life and then the fires and ice of hell
and in the execrable generations to come an honoured name.
[0043] Enough for this evening.

[0044] This time I know where I am going, [0045] it is no longer the
ancient night, the recent night. [0046] Now it is a game, I am going
to play. [0047] I never knew how to play, till now. [0048] I longed to, but
I knew it was impossible. [0049] And yet I often tried. [0050] I turned on
all the lights, I took a good look att^ll round, I began to play