[2222] Take
advantage of the brand new soul and substantiality to abandon,
[p. 119r] with the only possible abandon, deep down within. [2223] And fianlly, 
the
these and other decisions having been taken, carry on cheerfully
as before. [2224] Something has changed nevertheless. [2225] Not a word
about Mahood, or Worm, for the last — ah t [place = overwritten] yes, I nearly forgot,
speak of time, without flu [place = overwritten] inching, and what is more, it just occurs
to me, by a natural association of ideas, speak of space with the
same easy grace, as if it were not bunged up on all sides, a few
inches away, after all that's something, a few inches, to be
thankful for, it gives one air, room for the tongue to loll, to
have lolled, to loll still. [2226] When I think, that is to say, no,
I said nothing, when I think of the time I've wasted with these
sacks of sawdust [place = supralinear] bran-dips, beginning with Murphy, who wasn't even the first [place = inline] ,
when I had on the premises, me, on the pri [place = overwritten] emises, within esay
easy reach, staggering [place = supralinear] tottering under my own skin and bones, real ones,
rotting with solitude and neglect, till I doubted my own existence, and even still, today, I have no faith in it, none, so that
I have to say, when I speak, Who speaks, and seek, and so on and
similarly for the all the other things that happen to me and for
which someone must be found, for things that happen must have
someone to happen to, someone must stop them. [2227] But Murphy and the
others, and last but not least the two boyos [place = supralinear] scarecrows [place = supralinear] [⁁] hearties here present, could
not stop them, the things that happened to me, nothing could
happen to them, of the things that happened to me, and nothing els [place = inline] e
either, there is nothing else, let me [place = supralinear] ud [place = overwritten] s be lucid for once, nothing
else but what happens to me, such as speaking, [place = supralinear] and such as seeking, and which
cannot have [place = supralinear] happen to me, which prowl around me, like bodies in torment,
the torment of no abode, no repose, no, like hyenas, howling and
laughing, no, no better, no matter, I've shut my doors against
them, I'm not at home for [place = supralinear] to anything, my doors are shut against
them, perhaps that's how I'll find silence, and peace, by opening
my doors and letting myself be devoured, [place = supralinear] wolfed [place = supralinear] devoured, they'll stop howling,
they'll start eating, the maws [place = supralinear] now howling, Open up, open up, you'll
be all right, you'll see. [2228] What a joy it is, to turn and look
astern, between two visits to the depths, scan in vain the horizon
for a sail, it's a real pleasure, upon my word it is, to be
unable to drown, under such conditions. [2229.1] Yes, but there it is, I
[p. 120r] am far from my doors, far from my walls, someone would have to
wake the turnkey, there must be one somewhere, far from my
subject to, let us go [place = supralinear] get back to it, it's gone, no longer there where
I thought I last saw it, strange this mixture of solid and
liquid, no longer the same, or else I mistake the place, yes,
it's the same, still there, in the same place, it's a pity,
I would have liked to lose it, I would have liked to lose me,
I'd like to lose me the way I could long ago, when I had some
imagination, close my eyes and be in a wood, r [place = overwritten] or at the seashore,
or in a town where I don't know anybody, it's night, everyone
has gone home, I walk in the streets, I take [place = supralinear] [⁁] lash into them one after
another, it's the town of my youth, I'm looking for my mother to
kill her, I should have thought of that earlier in the day [place = supralinear] a bit sooner,
before being born, it's raining, I'm all right, I stride along
on the crown of the street with great yaws to right and left,
[2229.2] now that's all over, with closed eyes I see the same thing as
with them open, namely, wait, I'll say it, I'll try and say it,
I'm curious to know what it can possibly be that I see, with
closed eyes, with open eyes, nothing, I see nothing, well that
is a disappointment, I was hoping for something better than that,
is that what it is to be unable to lose yourself, I'm asking
myself a question, is that what it is, to see nothing, no matter
where I look, nor, eyeless, the little creature in his different
disguises coming and going, now in shadow, now in light, doing
his best, seeking the means of staying among the living, of
getting off with his life, or shut up looking out of the window
at the evr [place = overwritten] er changing sky, is that it, to be unable to lose myself,
I don't know, what did I see in the old days, out of my eye,
when I ventured a quick look, I don't know, I don't remember. [2230] There I am in any case equipped with eyes, which I open and
shut, two, perhaps blue, knowing it avails nothing, for I have
a head now too, where all kinds of things are known, can it be
of me I'm speaking, can it be possible is it possible, of course
not, that's another thing I know, I'll speak of me when I speak
[p. 121r] no longer [place = supralinear] more. [2231] In any case it's not a question of speaking of me, but
p [place = overwritten] of speaking, of speaking no longer [place = supralinear] more, this slight confusion augurs
well, now I'll have to find a name for this latest surrogate,
with his head burst splitting with vile certainties and his
doll's eyes, later on, later on, first I must descriv [place = overwritten] be him in
more detail, see what he is capable of, whence he comes and whithe
he returns, in his head of course, we don't intend to relapse
into picaresque, with the stink of Mahood and Worm still in our
nostrils. [2232] Now it's I the orator, the besiegeres [place = supralinear] beleaguerers have departed,
I am master on board, after the rats, I no longer crawl between
the thwarts, under the moon, in the shadow of the lash, strange
this mixture of solid and liquid, a little air is all we need now
to complete the elements, no, I'm forgetting fire, unusual hell
when you come to think of it, perhaps it's paradise, perhaps it's
the earth, perhaps it's the shores of a lake beneath the earth,
you sca [place = inline] rcely breathe, but you breathe, it's not certain, you see
nothing, hear nothing, you hear the long kiss of dead water and
mud, aloft at less than a sco [place = inline] re of fathoms men come and go, you
dream of them, in your long dream there's a place for the waking,
you wonder how you know all you know, you even see grass, the
grass at dawn, a little grey [place = supralinear] glaucous with dew, not so v [place = overwritten] blind as all that
my eyes, they are not [place = supralinear] 're not mine, mine are done, they don't even weep
any more, they open and shut by the force of habit, fifteen
minutes exposure, fifteen minutes shutter, like the owl cooped
in the grotto in Battersea Park, ah misery, will I never stop
wanting a life for myself? [2233] No, no, no head either, anything you
like, but not a head, in his head he doesn't go anywhere either,
I've tried, [2234] lashed to the stake, blindfolded, gagged to the
gullet, you take the air, under the elms in se, quoting S
murmuring Shelley, impervious to the arrows [place = supralinear] shafts. [2235] Yes, a head, but soli
solid, solid bone, and you buried in it, like a fossil in the
rock. [2236] Perhaps there go I after all. [2237] I can't go i [place = overwritten] on in any case. [2238] But I must go on. [2239] I'll go on. [2240] Air, air, I'll seek air, air in
time, the air of time, and in space, in my head, that's how I'll
be able to go [place = supralinear] on. [2241] All [place = supralinear] [⁁] That's all very well [place = supralinear] fine, but the voice is failing, it's
the first time, no, I've been through that, it has even stopped,
[p. 122r] many a time, that's how it will end again, I'll go silent, for
want of air, then the air will come back and I'll begin again. [2242] My voice. [2243] The voice. [2244] Yes, I don't hear it so well. [2248] I'm going
silent. [2249] No longer hearing this voice, that's what I call going
silent. [2250] That is to say I'll hear it still, if I listen hard. [2251] I'll listen hard. [2252] Listening hard, that's what I call going silent. [2253] I'll hear it still, broken, faint, unintelligible, if I listen
hard. [2254] Hearing it still, without hearing what it says, that's what
I call going silent. [2255] Then it will flare up, like a kindling fire,
a dying fire, Mahood explained that to me, and I'll emerge from
silence. [2256] Hearing too little to be able to speak, that's my silence. [2257] That is to say I never stop speaking, but sometimes too low, too
far away, too far within, to hear, no, I hear, to understand. [2258] Not
that I even [place = supralinear] r understand. [2259] It fades, it goes in, behind the door,
I'm going silent, there's going to be silence, I'll listen, it's
worse than speaking, no, no worse, no better. [2260] Unless this time
it's the true silence, the one I'll neve [place = inline] r have to break any more,
the one where I won't have to listen any more, where I can
dribble in my corner, my head gone, my tongue dead, the one I have
tried to earn, that I thought I could earn. [2262] I'm going to stop,
that is to say I'm going to look as if I had, it will be like
the rest. [2263] As if anyone were looking at me! [2264] As if it were I! [2265] It will be the same silence, the same as ever, murmurous with
muted lamentation, panting, exhaling of impossible sorrow, like
distant laughter, brief spells of hush, as of one buried too soon.
before his time. [2266] Long or short, the same silence. [2267] Then I resurrect
and begin again. [2268] That's what I'll have got for all my pains. [2269] Unless this time it's the real silence at last. [2270] Perhaps I've said
the thing that had to be said, that gives me the right to be done
with speecj [place = overwritten] h, done with listening, f [place = overwritten] done with hearing, without my
knowing it. [2271] I'm listening already, I'm going silent. [2272] The next
time I won't go to such pains, I'll tell one of Mahood's old
tales, no matter which, they a [place = inline] re all the same, they won't tire
me, I won't bother any more about me, I'll know that whatever I
say the result is the same, that i [place = overwritten] I'll never be silent, neve r
[p. 123r] never at peace. [2273] Unless I try just once more, one last time,
to say what has to be said, about me, I feel it's about me,
perhaps that's the mistake I make, perhaps that's my sin, so
as to have b [place = overwritten] nothing mo [place = inline] re to say, nothing more to hear, till I
die. [2274] It's comin [place = inline] g up again [place = supralinear] back. [2275] I'm glad. [2276] I'll try again, quick before
it goes. [2277] Try what? [2278] I don't know. [2279] To go on. [2280] Now there is nobody
left. [2281] That's a good continuation. [2282] Nobody left, it's embarrassing,
if I had a memory it might tell me that this is the sign of the
end, of the pause that may be final, this having nobody left,
nobody to talk to, nobody to talk to you, so that you have to
say, It's I who am doing this to me, I who am talking to me about
me. [2283] Then your breath fails, the end begins, you go silent, it's
the end, short-lived, you begin again, you had forgotten, there [place = inline] 's
is somebody [place = supralinear] someone there, somebody [place = supralinear] one talking to you, about you, about him, then
a second, then a third, then the second again, then all three
together, these figures just to give you an idea, talking to you,
about you, about them, all I have to do is listen, then they
depart, one by one, and the voice goes onn on, it's not theirs,
they were never there, there was never anybody [place = supralinear] one, but you, never
anybody [place = supralinear] one but you, y [place = overwritten] talking to you about you, your breath fails,
it's nearly the end, your breath stops, it's the end, shortlived, I hear someone calling me, it begins again, that must be
how it goes, if I had a memory. [2284] Even if the [place = inline] re were things, a
thing somewhere, a morsel [place = supralinear] [⁁] scrap of nature, to talk about, you might
reconcile yourself to having no one left, to being yourself
the talker, if only there were a thing somewhere, to talk about,
even though you couldn't see it, or know what it was, simply to
feel it there, with you, somewhere, you might have the courage not
to go silent, no, it's to go silent that you need courage, for
you'll be punished, punished for having gone silent, and yet you
can't do otherwise than go silent, than be punished for having
gone silent, than be punished for having been punished, since
you begin again, your breath fails, if only there wa [place = overwritten] ere a thing,
but there it is, there is not [place = supralinear] n, they took away things when they
departed, they took away nature, there was never anyone, anyone
[p. 124r] but me, anything but me, talking to me of me, impossible to stop,
impossible to go on, but I must go on, I'll go on, without anyone,
without anything, but me, but my voice, that is to say I'll stop,
I'll end, it's the end already, short-lived, what is it, a little
hole, you go down into it, into the silence, it's worse than the
noise, you listen, it's worse than talking, no, not worse, no
worse, you wait, anxious, have they forgotten [place = supralinear] [⁁] me, no, yes, no, someon [place = inline] e
calls me, I climb [place = supralinear] crawl out again, what is it, a little hole, in the
wilderness.