MS-HRC-SB-5-9-3

[p. 19v]
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[p. 20r] what it was, that will be fun, I xx I sum up, I and this noise, I see nothing else for the moment, but I have only just taken over my functions, I and this noise, and what about it, don't interrupt me, I'm doing my best, I repeat, I and this noise, two things, on the subject of which, inverting the natural order, we would seem to know for certain among other things, what follows, namely, on the one hand, with regard to the noise, that it has not been possible up to now to determine with certainty, or even with approximately with xx approximately, what it is, in the w by way of noise in the way of noise, nor or how it comes to me, nor by what organ it is emitted, nor by what perceived, nor by what intelligence apprehended, in its main drift, and, on the other hand, that is to say with regard to me, this is going to take a little longer, with regard to me, nice time we're going to have now, that it has not yet been given to us ^{yet our good fortune} to establish with least degree of accuracy what I am, where I am, whether I am words among words, or whether I am silence in the midst of silence, to recall only two of the hypotheses xxx ^launched in this connexion, though to tell the truth silence to tell the truth has not been very conspicuous up to now, [2206.11] but appearances are deceptive, I resume, not yet been xxx our good fortune to establish, among other things, what, no, already mentioned, what I'm doing, how I manage to hear, if I hear, if it is I who hear, and who can doubt, I don't know, th doubt is there is felt is present, in this connexion, somewhere or other, I resume, how I manage to ^{succeed in} hearing, if it's I who hear, and to understand how to in understand^ing, ellipse when possible, it's time it saves time, how in understanding, same observation, and how it happens, if it's I who speak, and it may be assumed as it may be questioned, it is, as it may be suspected it is not, if it's I who speak, that I speak without stopping, that I long to stop, that I can't stop, I indicate the xxx xxx the indicate the principal divisions, it's more synoptic, I resume, not the good fortune to establish, with regard to me, if it's I who seek, what exactly it is I seek, find, lose, find xxx xxx, ^{find again} xxx away, xxx xxx find again, throw away, find once more, again, throw away

[p. 20v]
DOODLE 52

[p. 21r] again, no, I never threw anything away, never threw anything away of all the things I found, never found anything that I didn't lose, never lost anything that I might xxx xxx might not have thrown away, [2206.12] if it's I who seek, find, lose, find again, lose again, seek again, seek in vain, seek again, find again, lose again, seek no more, if it's I what it is, and if it's not I who it is, and what it is, I see nothing else for the moment, yes I do, I conclude, the good fortune to establish, seeing the fut in xxxing t considering the futility of telling oneself even any old thing, to pass the time, why I do it, if it's I who do it, as if reasons were necessary required for doing any old thing, to pass the time, no matter, one the question may be asked, off the record, why time does not pass, does not pass from you, why it piles up all about you, instant on instant, on every hand all sides, hi deeper and deeper, thicker and thicker, your time, others' time, the time of the ancient dead and of the unborn dead yet unborn, why it x buries you grain by grain neither dead nor alive, with no memory of anything, no hope of anything, no knowledge of anything, no story history and no future, buried under the seconds, saying any old thing, your mouth full of sand, xxx oh I know it's beside the point immaterial, time is one thing, I am another, but the question may be asked, why time does not pass, just like that, off the record, en passant, to pass the time, I think that's all, for the moment, I see nothing else, I see nothing whatever, for the time being. [2207] [^/ ]I mustn't ask myself any more questions, if it's I, I really mustn't. [2208] More resolutions, why not, that's right, bravely, bravely, more resolutions. [2209] Make abundant use of the principle of parcimony , as if it were familiar to me, it is not too late. [2210] Assume notably henceforward that the thing said and the thing heard have a common source, while resisting for this purpose the temptation to call in question the possibility of assuming anything whatever. [2211] Situate this source in me, without specifying where exactly, no finicking, anything is preferable to the awareness of third parties and, more

[p. 21v]
DOODLE 53
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DOODLE 54

[2211] [p. 22r] generally speaking, of an outer world. [2212] Carry if necessary this process of compression to the point of renouncing renouncing all other postulates than that of a deaf and exceptionally incap ^{deficient [⁁]} idiot, hearing nothing of what he says, and understanding even less. [2213] Evoke at painful junctures, when discouragement threatens to make itself felt, the image of a huge, cretinous mouth vast cretinous mouth, red, blubber and slavering, shut up inside in solitary confinement, extruding indefatigably, with a noise of washing and wet kisses, the words that obstruct it. [2214] Set aside once and for all, together at the same time as the analogy with traditional damnation, all idea of beginning and end. [2215] Overcome, need that goes without saying, the fatal leaning towards expressiveness. [2216] Equate me, without scruple or pity, with him who exists, somehow, no matter how, no finicking, him whose story this story had the brief ambition to tell. [2217] Better, ascribe to me a body. [2218] Better still, arrogate to me a mind. [2219] Speak of a world of my own, sometimes referred to as the inner, without choking. [2220] Doubt no more. [2221] Seek no more. [2222] Profit Take advantage of the soul, the substantiality, brand new, to abandon, with the only possible abandon, deep down within. [2223] And finally, these decisions having been, and and other decisions having been taken, carry on happily as before. cheerfully as before. [2224] x Something has changed nevertheless. [2225] Not a i word about Mahood, or Worm, for the last — ah yes, I nearly forgot, speak of time, without flinching, and what is more, it just occurs to me, by a natural association of ideas, speak of space with the same familiarity (unconcernedness), as if it were not bunged up a few inches from my nose on all sides, a few inches away, it might be worse after all that's something, a few inches, to be thankful for, that gives one it gives one air, room for the ^my tongue to loll, to have lolled, to loll still. [2226] When I think, xx that is to say, no, I didn't speak, when I think of the time I've wasted with these sacks of sawdust, beginning with Murphy, who wasn't even the first, when I had me, on the premises, within easy reach, staggering under my own skin and bones,

[p. 22v]
DOODLE 55

[2226] [p. 23r] real ones, rotting with solitude and neglect, till I doubted my own existence, and even still, today, I don't believe in it have no faith in it, none, so that I have to say, when I speak, Who speaks, and seek, and when I seek, Who seeks, and seek, and so on and similarly for all the other things that happen to me and for which someone must be found, for things that happen must have someone to happen to, someone must stop them. [2227] But Murphy and the others, includ and last but not least our the two boyos hearties here present, could not stop them, the things that happened to me, nothing could happen to them either, of the things that happened to me, and nothing else either, there is nothing else, let us be lucid for once, nothing else but what happens to me, such as speaking, seeking, and which cannot happen to me, which prowl around me, like bodies in torment, the torment of no abode, no repose, xxx no, like hyenas, howling and laughing, no, no better, no matter, I've closed shut my doors against them, I'm not at home for anything, my doors are shut against them, perhaps that's how I'll find silence, and peace, by opening my doors and letting myself be devoured, they'll stop growling ^howling, they'll start eating, the xxxling maws maws howling, Open, open, you'll be all right, you'll see. [2228] What a pleasure to joy it is, to turn and look astern, between two visits to the depths, scan the horizon in vain the in vain the horizon for a sail, it's a real pleasure, upon my word it is, to be unable to drown, under such conditions. [2229.1] Yes, but there it is, I am far from my doors, far from my walls, someone would have to wake the turnkey, there must be one somewhere, far from my subject too, let's get back to it, it's gone no longer there, no where I thought I last saw it, strange this mixture of hard and liqu solid and liquid, no longer the same, or else I mistake the place, yes, it's the same, still there, in the same place, it's a pity, I would have liked to lose it, I would have liked to lose myself, I'd like to lose mysef myself the way I used to, in the old days I could long ago, when I had some imagination, close my eyes and be in a wood, or at the seashore, or in a town

[p. 23v]
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[p. 24r] where I don't know anybody, it's night, everyone has gone home, I walk in the streets, I take them one after another, it's the town of my youth, I'm looking for my mother to kill her, I should have thought of it earlier in the day, before I was born being born, it's raining, I'm all right, I walk in the middle of the roadway, I stride along in middle of the roadway, with great yaws to right and left, [2229.2] now that's all over, with closed eyes I see the same thing as with them open, namely, wait, I'll say it, I'll try and say it, I'm curious to know what it can possibly be that I see, with closed eyes, with open eyes, nothing, I see nothing, well that is a disappointment, I was hoping for something better than that, is that what it is not to be able to lose yourself, I'm asking a question myself a question, is that what is, to see nothing, no matter where I look, nor, eyeless, the little creature so variously disguised in his different disguises coming and going, passing from shadow to now in shadow, now in light, doing his best, seeing seeking the means to stay among the living, to get off with his life, or shut up looking out of the window at the ever changing sky, is that it, not to be able to lose myself, I don't know, what did I see in the old days, ^{out of my eye,} when I ventured a quick look, I don't know, I don't remember. [2230] There I am in any case equipped with eyes, which I open and close, two, perhaps blue, kno knowing it avails nothing, for I have a head too now, where all kinds of things are known, can it be of me I'm speaking, is it possible, of course not, that's another thing I know, I'll speak of me when I speak no more ^longer. [2231] In any case it's not a matter of speaking of me, but of speaking, of speaking no longer, this slight confusion augurs well, now I'll have to find another name for this latest surrogate, with his head splitting with vile certainties and his doll's eyes, later on, later, first I must describe him in more detail, see what he is capable of, whence he comes and whither he returns, in his head of course, we don't intend to relapse into picaresque, after hav with the likes ^stink of Mahood and Worm still in our nostrils. [2232] Now it's I who holding forth, the besiegers have departed, I am master on board, after the rats, I no longer crawl between the thwarts, in the xx under the moon, in the shadow of the lash, strange this mixture of solid and liquid, a little air is